Title


I am older and wiser this year. I will not blindly inflict the misogynistic whims of the fashion industry on myself or let them defeat my fragile sense of self, and I will not spend too much for an ego enhancing bathing suit that, if past history is any indication, will only see the light of day once or twice all summer.

I should have made a rule that if I was going to go out to the store at all that I had to wear sandals because it has been proven in laboratory studies that wearing socks while trying on swim wear can cause an extra twenty pounds to form out of spite; It doesn’t matter how flattering the suit is, if you’re wearing knee socks while you are wearing it, you're going to look chubby - a lot of that extra weight comes from your brain turning to mush and dribbling down to your thighs after you have flipped through racks and racks of spandex bandanas in sizes 0-2 and after you begin to wonder that maybe you took a wrong turn and ended up in the toddler suit section by mistake and once you know the truth that your figure is more like that of an 18 month old then an 18 year old you will find yourself drawn to the nearby Hagen Daz display. Do not shop for swim suits in a store that also stocks ice cream!

Wal-Mart. Bathing Suits. If you were wondering what they did with all the burkas we “liberated” the Afghan women from – this is where they ended up. Even I do not want to go to the beach in a burka! I have some pride and a good rack so it’s not like I want to hide all of me, just most of me... maybe a bikini style burka would be the right choice? I wonder if I could go to the beach in a floor length skirt and a bikini top? I could use it as a cover up and a beach umbrella? but, nothing says “I’m Fat!” like a huge cover-up. So. Moving on. I was going to have to do this stealth style.


Me and my inner voice go to Wal-Mart to gas up Minnie. I hate Wal-Mart but I love their cheap gas. I like to think that they are holding a bunch of orphan Saudi princes at a Days Inn in Dubui, forcing them to produce cheap crude oil 18 hours a day for $23 a barrel.

Inner Voice – Go inside!


Me – Why? I hate Wal-Mart. I want to go home.

Inner Voice – Look! over there! new Weekly World News”?

Me – Ohhhh! “Worlds Fattest Cat meets Bat Boy!” Wait! Why is this magazine rack in with the...

Inner Voice - Cackle

Me - Bathing Suits!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Inner Voice – Oh! Look Bathing Suits! Don't you need a new bathing suit?

Me – No. I don’t. I found my last year’s suit. I’m good suit wise.

Inner Voice – Look stumpy, I didn’t want to do this but (shows photo of self in last year’s suit)

Me – My eyes!

Inner Voice – Boy leg style shorts aren’t for everyone. More specifically, not for you. Think knee length skirt! Think wet suit! Think spandex burka!

Shopping for bathing suits at Wal-Mart is an exercise in pain. Oddly, even with the fun house mirrors in the changing rooms, the unflattering lighting and the less then empowering atmosphere? its possible to actually find a suit that may look decent in real life - because if it can try it in that environment and not reflexively burst into tears? buy it! If all else fails they also sell Hagen Daz.