Can't remember a thing about her, but gee, she's got great hair.

Alphagal introduced me to Ulta . Think of it as a feminine Pep Boys, a Toys-R-Us for grown women - Sallow skin? Bags under your eyes? break outs and crows feet? Isle 11-15, Listless hair? Isles 1-9, does your grocery store lipstick wear off before you even make it to the office? Isle 10 - Can all of your self esteem issues be traced back to your hair dryer? Back wall.

I can’t believe what I did. I should have to go pick my own switch and then go wait behind the woodshed for judgement.

I can’t believe I spent $31 on shampoo and conditioner! Do you have any idea how much I spend under normal circumstances? $4.29! Combined! . Under normal circumstances, $31 could keep me in clean and manageable hair for - Well, I use more conditioner then shampoo so I buy it twice as often... But still $31! I am so ashamed. Under normal circumstances, who needs hair that manageable? And I didn’t even buy the most expensive shampoo and conditioner on the lot, there were conditioners made of goat placenta blessed by the Dali Lama and holy water from St. Peters! This is all Alphagals and her lovely, healthy, managable hair's fault - They introduced me to the follicular crack industry! “Oh, just try the tester size, you can see if you like it..." If I like it? She was comfortable with "If"! Of course I was going to like it! Everyone likes crack the first time they use it! No one has ever said "Hmm. Crack is a monestrous high, but I think I’ll stick with Mountain Dew for now". "If" I was going to like having sleek, shiny, manageable, healthy hair of my very own?

For $150 they could help Ugly Betty turn herself into Eva Longoria.

Under normal circumstances I would take care of all my beauty needs at Kerr Drugs, home of the $1.99 lipstick and the $7 hair color and NC State themed bird houses but these are not normal circumstances.

I have my 20th High School Reunion in June. June is very, very soon. I don't have time to lose weight, improve my skin tone, get lasiks, land a sexy job, grow a husband and a couple of kids or become interesting before then. But I can do something about my split and brittle ends, and puffy eyes... and dull complexion, and my giant pores... I could probably solve the split and brittle ends issue if I stopped dyeing my hair, but I’m not going to my reunion with white hair - we aren’t all blessed with Merle Streeps' in the Devil Wears Prada white hair, most of us at my age look like Grandma Moses when we let our hair go white. And I’m not going to let my hair go white! I am not ready to capitulate to the inevitable. I’ve discovered Ulta damn it! If I write the enough checks, I can buy my way back to 28 years old - Forever.

I’m not going to go on a diet. I know me and I am not going to stop eating. I may have, but they scheduled the reunion for now instead of “Later”. When polled on the subject I suggested Spring of ‘08, but I guess nobody else wanted to celebrate their 21st High School Reunion. Selfish bastards.