Those are the breaks


My breaks were dehydrated. I had no idea. Someone made an anonymous complaint to The APS (automobile Protective Services) and they and their clip boards were very unhappy. Have you ever been clucked at in a disapproving manner by a guy in greasy overalls? It is not an uplifting experience. They gave me an action plan and told me if I didn’t make some changes that I may very well lose custody of Minnie.

They told me that my brakes were dehydrated and Minnie was going to die of thrist if I didn’t do something about it now.

I was like “I should go find some puddles and drive through them?”.

Readers Digest lies. Laughter is not the best medicine. Also? Breaks don’t drink water! There is something else in your car that drinks water but it is not the break system. It is another system or the battery or something else. I know you put water in something. But it is not the breaks. The breaks drink Break Fluid! But before you buy the break fluid you have to find the break fluid and before that you have to go into to a gas station - I know, how retro, right? Yeah, but you can still do that! And they sell more then just porn mags, lottery tickets and beer. As it turns out they also sell automatic transmission fluid and frosting. Together. On the same shelf.

Do not confuse the two.

And next to the peanut butter they sell Break Fluid!!! , but only one kind! If you go get your oil changed, there is like a thousand different kinds of oil! You can get oil in really cute vintage cans and oil that is totally specialized and oil in color coordinated containers so if you have a red car you can get the oil from the red container or if your car is yellow you can use the yellow container and you feel like you’re shopping! but if you are in the market for break fluid its just the one kind and the container is not cute. Gah.

And so I got the break fluid and I went home and I walked up to the front of the car all empowered and wearing a skirt so I felt all Grrrrl Power! and everything and then I tried to make the lid thing go up, the hood! and I couldn’t do it.

I was running my fingers all underneath the edge and not finding anything and I was getting really frustrated and my hands were getting all oily and the engine was all hot and I was not enjoying myself and not feeling all Grrrly anymore.

I was thinking of all the movies I’ve seen where the heros just casually raise the hood and all they have to do is touch it and it springs open. Bastards. And I’m standing there thinking How do they do that?, they get out of the car, usually they spring out of the car and they go to the front of the car and the hood just opens for them and then they wave their hands around and they tell the female lead to see if that worked and depending on where they are in the plot , the car either turns over “Purrs like a kitten” or the guy gets grabbed by the waiting serial killer and is never seen again or if it’s a post feminist picture, the car fails to turn over and the female leads swings out of the passenger seat and sighs at the guy who puts his hands up and walks away. The female lead waves her hands over the engine and then the car starts and they drive off with her at the wheel and him in the passenger seat.. I was not going to be able to wave my hands over the engine if I could not get to it.

Then I remember. There is a thing and to make the hood open you pull the thing and the hood pops open. Hazzah! Mission accomplished! Whooo! Que the aircraft carrier! Grrrl Power Ya’ll! Woo! ... Except. It doesn’t just magically pop open. It doesn’t even open. Hollywood lies like a rug.

But. I finally got it open and it only took not that much time to figure out how to keep it open - also made to appear much easier in the movies - but I gave Minnie her break fluid. She’s all hydrated now and hopefully she isn’t going to die of thrist. Starve to death maybe, $3.04 gas! But when she dies she will do so at a complete stop.

Look! Look! Dogger is Famous !!!