The Other Me

I got a late Christmas present last week.

My bank sent me the cancelled checks that my thief wrote. I can't say she is solely "my" thief anymore but if she hadn't stolen from me first she wouldn't have had the opportunity to steal from them, I got the ball rolling on her crime wave. I am victim zero.

I was excited to see what her handwriting looked like. To see how this person who would be me wrote my name. It made me feel better. My thief isn't a phantom anymore. Seeing her writing makes her real, She's right handed, just like me! Does she wonder about me? does she fret about the marked differences in our signature's? Her printing is lovely (Why doesn't anyone notice she isn't signing the checks?! She makes the checks out in cursive yet prints her/my signature! Hello!!!) I ran my finger over the signature, I studied the way she writes her numbers to see if there was any message any clue as to who she is and why she does what she does. I called the bogus phone number she uses - it's a fax machine.

She shops at the same places I do, Kroger, Harris Teeter, Food Lion, Target. I was very disappointed that the faux me spent retail on a computer though. The real me would never do that. The real me could never afford to do that.

The faux me, doesn't have any such compunctions. I can see how much she spent but not on what. I want to know what "I" bought. It might tell me more about "me". I want to know everything about us. Is she pretty? Is she funny? What kind of car does she drive? If I hadn't all ready planned out in detail how I was going to ruin her life, remove her parenthetical children from her custody, jail her friends and acquaintances and ultimately, kill her, would I like her?

I know she wrote our first check at Staples for $640 at 8:31 pm on January 8th. I guess she wanted to make a big splash. But why did she stop? Why did she spend $595.02 at grocery stores? two Food Lions for $144.99,two Harris Teeters for $259.21 (where she used my Vic card!), two Krogers for $187.74. I mean, I know why but if she was/is in the business of printing her own money, why slum? Are malls too hard to escape from if she needed to? Does she need a door close by? Is some one outside keeping an eye on her? or is she just trash with very low expectations? Can she not see beyond Staples? Would I feel sorry for her if I found out she was just some sad Poor-Little-Match-Girl-Gone-Bad? No, the bitch stole my purse. Not sorry enough that I suddenly would not want to kill her. Perhaps it would be putting her out of her misery. She might welcome death.

She worked fast. In the checks that have been returned to date she wrote one 1/8, one on 1/9, five on 1/10 and three on 1/11. She always remembers to write in the correct year. I also suspect that she might be more than one person...

Thus far she has stolen $1677.28. My detective called me, 26 days after I filed my police report. Do you know why Nancy Drew went Girl Detective? Because she had to wait 26 days to speak the detective assigned to The Case of The Missing Purse!