Stealing Base

Since my purse has gone missing and I have heard nothing about it in weeks, I was comfortable with the idea my purse had somehow been raptured up. And then my bank called. Some bitch stole my damn purse! This bitch stole my stuff and is now wandering around Raleigh writing checks. Big checks . She’s been to Staples and Zales and Kohl's, and Kroger and Harris Teeter. This bitch is a real shopaholic.

I called one of the grocery stores she has been frequenting and told them about her. They were shocked. I told them the next time Faux Me comes in, that they call the police and then they should tell her she won a million dollars, take her into a back room and beat her to death. I was not joking about that. I was joking when I told them to call the police.

If the heifer was just using my checks to buy food, I might be less filled with purse thief blood-lust, but sadly for her, you can’t eat a computer… So I’m going to have to kill her And she has lousy taste too, She can spend all the money she wants, and she spends $130 at Zales, at Zales! Which is not what it once was, but still, jewelry and the bitch spends $130? Low class cow.

The woman at the bank read me a list of places she had ripped off and she says “Wow, she even has your same name” and I said “Hmmmm.” And then she says “But her signature is nothing like yours”, in other words its legible. I didn’t even think to point out to the woman at the bank that Of course she's signing the checks with MY name. Do you honestly believe that she would sign it Joan S. Pursethief? . The bank is going to send me the checks for me to give to the detective in charge of my case.

Speaking of the Detective. Have any of you heard from him? I haven't. Today, after I spoke with the bank I called him to share the good news that my purse is no longer missing it is indeed stolen and there is a real live crime to go solve. Real live money from real live business is being stolen. He didn’t call me back. I called him again and said “Look. I know this isn’t a big deal to you, but I am a victim and it's your job to talk to me".

I’m soon going to have genuine evidence, if this guy won’t talk to me, what am I supposed to do with it? I want this heifer in jail. Half the retailers in Raleigh are going to want her locked up and Detective Busy won’t return my calls.

In the past, I’ve seen reports of Saudi justice. Thieves having hands chopped off and I’ve thought “Oh my goodness! That is so mean! He stole a purse, how can you disfigure him forever for that? The poor guy!” But now, I'm thinking: Bitch deserved it.