The contractually obligatory Oscar ™ prediction entry

Performance by an actor in a leading role
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones, In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises

First up, I didn’t actually see any of them. The only nominated films I saw this year were Ratatouille and Sicko I have seen ads for the Michael Clayton DVD. The others, really I know about only because they were written about online because they were “important films” . In The Valley of Elah did play briefly at the Art House near me.

Everyone, including George Clooney says that Daniel Day Lewis is going to win. How is this character different from the very ambitious, crazy person he played in Gangs of New York? He always plays these very tightly wound, very “deep” characters and I can’t fault him for playing to his strengths, but what about comedy? And this is from the only person on the planet that owns a copy of Stars and Bars. Dieing/killing/losing your mind is easy, comedy is hard.

Should – Clooney, because I lurve him.
Could – Tommy Lee Jones
Will – Daniel Day Lewis

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men"
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook in Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson in Michael Clayton

I have no experience with any of these films, and they are films thank-you-very-much, sooo serious and "important". If you interviewed the scripts they would spend a lot of time talking about "it’s process" and sense memory and "going to that place" and its acting coach. Blah. How deep and unpleasant is TAOJJBTCRF that even of Brad Pitt couldn’t save it? I would love to see a Movie get critical attention.

Yawn. And the winner is … Javier Bardem and his hair!

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away from Her
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney, The Savages
Ellen Page, Juno

I want to see E:GA even though I have read that it kind of sucks, I bet everyone looks fabulous. Julie Christie plays a the prettiest Alzheimer's patient ever. And of course, again I am completely unfamiliar with the movie – I am however completely familiar with Alzheimer's patients. Is AFH maybe told in flashbacks? I refuse to see Juno or any film that says that teenage pregnancy is cute, okay, funny or that pregnant teenagers should act as substawombs for sterile forty-year-olds. It is not the responsibility of the too young to carry the burden of pregnancy for the too old.

And the winner is: Julie Christy for daring to be old.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Ruby Dee, American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Usually the province of the producers girlfriend or other women the voters want to have sex with. They catagorie is normally made up of the one hit wonder, the newbie, and the good lay. Tilda and Cate will cancel each other out because they are actually the same person, Ms Dee has been in the business for so long that the voters may have all ready sex with her, and Miss Ronan is too young voters to have sex with. Roman Polanski non-withstanding.

Winner – Amy Ryan as she is young and spends the film crying in a tube top.

Achievement in directing
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly Julian Schnabel
Juno, Jason Reitman
Michael Clayton, Tony Gilroy
No Country for Old Men, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
There Will Be Blood, Paul Thomas Anderson

I know there is a Julian Schnabel in the world because he is mentioned in Six Degrees of Separation, where someone in the art world is referred to as a “Schnabel Ho!” . I think it’s going to be a toss up between No Country... and There will be blood, both are very well reviewed, sensitive portraits of testosterone poisoning . Jason Reitman is a fetus who made a movie about a fetus, staring fetus, no. The diving bel...? Depressing! Strong male lead! Smart, smart, smart! but maybe a little Television for Men?

Winner – Michael Clayton Tony Gilroy, for daring to make a procedural.

Best documentary feature
No End in Sight
Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience
Sicko Michael Moore and Meghan O'Hara
"Taxi to the Dark Side"
"War/Dance"

Anti-War doc, Anti-War/Pro-Troop Doc, Anti-Health Industry (one of two nominated films I saw this year) and I’m pretty sure at least on Holocaust Doc.

Winner
Will - Holocaust Doc. Always and forever.
Should - Sicko.

Best motion picture of the year
"Atonement"
"Juno"
"Michael Clayton"
"No Country for Old Men"
"There Will Be Blood"

Winner : There Will Be Blood . Oil is important, George Bush was an oilman, failed, but he was in oil, he is evil, the lead is an oil man and he is ultimately evil. Everyone agrees that Shrub is evol. A vote for TWBB is a vote for saying Shrub is evil.

There are a 18 other categories, handicapping those, I leave up to you and The Academy.