One Day at a Time

Yeah, the vet just sounds cheerful all the time. I don't know if it's a product of youth or something she learned at school or maybe something that only will be defused by many more years of passing on very bad news. She's a great doctor but she lack gravitas - Your! Dog! Is! Going! To! Die! just lacks something comforting. When she told me the cost of treatment was going to run even more than she had estimated and I told her that there as no way I could afford it, she told me that maybe I could start playing the lottery. I laughed but it was a hollow laugh, through my tears.

And then I went back to my desk and went back to work. It's really hard to process tragedy when you are tied to your desk. But I had time to start my official position on it : I'm just going to be grateful for everyday that I have with her. I don't know how long I'm going to have her but I'll be happy every day. I was not going for teary. I was going for stiff upper lip, I was going for brave I was going for keeping calm, keeping it mellow and keeping the tears out of it. I was being a Grown Up. As I said, in my head it sounded really good. In my head I didn't cry at all.

I sat at my desk and I looked up grief support groups for people who have lost pets, I looked up cremation costs, a lot by the way. It costs a fortune to treat my large breed dog and it's going to cost a fortune to cremate her too. Big Dog bigotry, sizism if you will, sucks, its the only approved of "ism" out there. Oddly, the cremation folks seemed to do most of the grief group sponsoring, not vets. I put some thought into calling my people doctor and getting a scrip for some sort of sedative when the time comes because I know I'm not going to handle it at all well. I'm going to need to be drugged.

Hearing it out loud ruined everything. I was standing there going Are you hearing what you are saying? Are you out of your mind? Your dog is going to die and you're being all casual about it but in real life you are really freaking out, you are trying to be all cool, but you just aren't that good of an actor.

I said it to myself a lot. It sounds like I accept whats happening, I know I made the right choice and that I'm in touch with my feelings and I'm embracing reality. In my head it sounded great. I was very proud of myself. And then I tried to say it out loud and I got all teary. A blubbery mess. This isn't what it was supposed to be like.

Remember when we were little and we talked about how cool bring a grown up would be? What a cruel joke. We were lied to. We thought it was all about staying up as late and wearing whatever we wanted... Eating ice cream for dinner!. Being an adult was supposed to be the most fun ever. I'm not having fun yet. No one mentioned the part where you have to weigh your quality of life againts your dogs life.

I guess its for the best. If anyone had told us how really awful being a grown up is none of us would ever grow up. It would be a world of thirty-seven year old third graders and nineteen year olds being carried in snuggies

And all morning I'm immursing myselk in her death...And then I went home for lunch and there she was standing in the doorway, all wiggly and smiling and happy so glad to see me, Alive.

Whatever will be, will be

The vet got back with me and all the replacement therapies are out of my price range ($140-$270 per month). The vet and I decided that we are not going to treat Daisy. She had a very good year after the last crises and she could have another just like it or she could have several months. The next time she has a crises it will be the last. I am okay with this. I also get to start stepping down the dreaded pred .

Good Stress and Bad Stress

The vet called me today. At home. During the work day. I didn't get it until too late to reach her. Now, I'm going to have to call her during work tomorrow and find out what she learned. I'm worried that she called me at home. I'm worried that she did that so she wouldn't have to tell me bad news while I'm at work - Which would be a good thing because I don't really want to burst into tears at my desk, we have no doors and no privacy at all. She sounded so cheerful though but she always sounds cheerful, even when she's giving me very bad news. If she was going to give me good news wouldn't she say I've got good news! like right up front?

This is all freaking me out. I see Dogger sleeping at my feet and I think IS this because she's sick? Did she sleep before? Does this mean something bad is happening? If she drinks a lot of water, I worry, if she doesn't drink a lot of water, I worry. I suddenly have no working memory of what she was like "before". Everything she does now makes me suspicious because now I'm looking at everything through Addison's glasses.

There is mention of AD dogs not handling stress well and the importance of keeping your dog calm, and avoiding both bad stress and "good stress", i.e greeting a friend! Some places define stress as surgery, illness or traveling. And I say "What kind of traveling? Traveling in the baggage compartment flying to Vegas or the back seat driving to the store? To counter act the stress you are supposed to up the dogs pred dosage. Fine, but Dogger can't go to Marquette and be in the car all the time if she is going to be on a heavy dose of pred and peeing all the time. Is a trip to see my parents going to stress her out too much? Will I be able to go anywhere again?

I took her to the park today. Probably a bad thing, a lot of "good stress" there. We saw a lot of her friends and shared with them our news. They were all very sorry. I kept Dogger on her leash most of the time but we did do a little off leash wandering. Everything scares me now. She found a ball and went and lay down with it and my first thought was Oh damn! She's exhausted! This was too much. But she does that, she finds a ball and hunkers down to chew it - At least I think she does. Does she? is that normal? I don't know anymore.

I've been reading one of the canine Addison's groups and they are always reporting in with their dog's most recent electrolytes and the results from this test and that test and not a single person every says how much this all costs . Not a damn word. They can't all be wealthy, but no one ever says We had his 'lites tested this week and last week and the week before that and it ran us X number of bills every time, We love Fido but, gosh this is expensive!

I understand that it is am international board and the cost in X won't be the same as the cost in Y, but it wouldn't hurt to let other people know what kind of ballpark these things are running them.

I was reading on one Addison's forum and someone said "I shudder to think how many dogs are put down because of undiagnosed Addison's, when it is so easily treated" and I think, my dog may end up being put down because of cost of the treatment.

Work it

Wow, look at the time! I had no idea. I was so busy with my new work out routine I totally lost track of time. I call my workout routine Large Dog on Large Dose of Pred. It's a fabulous work out! You never stop moving. It's up and down all the time.

The work out starts slow, you pick up and carry loads of wet bedding and carpets to the basement, then you lift the heavy carpet up so it can dry out. Then you load the bedding into the machine. After that it's back up the steps to take the dog outside again and again and again and again. For your cool down, you fill her water dish again, and again and again.

Every once in a while, you do need to rest though. So then you scour the Internet for information that will help you keep your dog with you longer. For fun you can go to one of the canine Addison's groups on Yahoo and essentially get called a big newby geek because you haven't memorized your dogs blood panels and even worse, you don't know what the numbers and letters: K? CA? BUN? on your dogs blood panels mean. You also realize that eventually you will.

And you begin to recognize that if you are lucky this nightmare is not going to be over for a very long time.

The thing about my fab new workout is that I can only do it while I'm at home. There's a good ten or so hours a day that I am not here. Today before I left for work I did my workout at least four times with varying success. Even Dogger can't pee that often and she is an Olympic caliber pee-er. Then I went to work. I was gone for about five hours.I came home for lunch and I was pleasantly surprised, she had pee-ed but it was mostly confined to her bedding. I changed the bedding took Dogger out to parade around the yard three times - Yes, she could go to the backyard but if a dog pees without an audience, did she really pee?... and went back to work in time for lunch. Word to the wise, if you order the hamburger platter at Dix Grill ($2.20!) do remember to specify that you want your hamburger on a hamburger bun .

Then I came home, late of course because I had to deal with my other trauma. Oh, and when I came home and checked my mail? Letters from collection agencies. The perfect end to the perfect day.

And how was your weekend?

Remember last March?, she was very sick, but she had a good prognosis. This time she was sicker and she has a scarier diagnosis and the prognosis is not good.

Friday night, I took Dogger out for her last pee of the evening. She was walking funny, like her legs were made of spaghetti. My first thought was Oh shit is is trying to throw up! Outside!outside!outside! . We got outside and she did not throw up. She fell down.

I couldn't get her up. I was out in my yard in my nightgown at 10:30 at night and my dog couldn't get up. I tried and tried and tried. I begged, I ordered, I dragged. Nothing. I'm out in the yard holding her head in my arms and I'm thinking that I'm going to have to call Broskey to help me move her.

And then she got up.

I spent the night sleeping on the floor in "her" room. At 9am, I called the vet who told me to come in now.

First I had to get there. There was a run happening. And not, I find out a useful run or a charity run but a Run for the Donuts. I am so glad I didn't know that at the time because I would have run people over. The run was blocking all the available routes to my vet. So, a trip that started at 9:22am and should have taken fifteen minutes, took me forty-five. And Dogger is in the back seat getting worse.

I told the vet about the spaghetti legs and she said it might have been a seizure, maybe Dogger had developed epilepsy. Then the tech took Dogger outside to get a UA and on the way Dogger repeated the spaghetti thing and the vet said it was not a seizure. The vet drew blood and checked her UA and the results weren't happy. Panic values for her BUN, CREA, CA and TP levels. Bad, badder, baddest. Dogger needed to be hospitalized right now.

And so she was.

The news there wasn't much better but they had a diagnosis. Dogger most likely had Addison's . She was not producing hormones that she needs to live. Essentially, her Adrenal gland is gone, she doesn't have one anymore.

The treatment is not cheap. The most effective treatment runs $200 a month. I don't have an extra $2400 a year, I absolutely can not do that, it's not possible. I started to think about euthanasia. I left Dogger at the hospital and went home and cried. I cried pretty much all day. I was absolutely prepared to take Dogger out of her misery no questions. But taking her out of mine was different.

So. All day Saturday Dogger is being treated at the vet hospital. She's getting better every time I call to check in. The healthier she got the worse I felt, I'm going to put down my healthy, bouncy, happy Dog. Because I can't afford to keep her that way. I am a terrible dog mommy. I am going to kill my dog.

At midnight they called me with her last test, she does in fact have Addison's. And I do have options. There are other treatments, one just came out with a new generic. another one is to do nothing. We did nothing last time and she was fine for a year, but she won't survive another crises, she is going to die, but I would much rather have a natural death for her than one I am the author of. The vet is doing a lot of research and calling pharmacies and other vets and she's working to find a way to help us. I joined a Canine Addison's yahoo group. I'm not crying as often.

HAPPY SUNDAY !!!!!

Friday Catblogging

A Place for my stuff

I got my first two bounce notices from vendors the purse thief ripped off. I dutifully called them and let them know that it sucks to be us. I gave them the case number the detectives name and offered his phone number Not good enough said Harris Teeter, "Not Good Enough?" I said, "The account was closed on the twenty-sixth of December. I called the police. Everything with my name on it is listed as Lost or Stolen. Look it up."

Harris Teeter wants more than my word. I wonder why? Someone with my name waltzed in, wrote a big check and waltzed out. But it wasn't me. The real me they can trust. HT wants me to get my bank to issue an official, notarized, legal statement that vows and declares that what they have is a forgery an "affidavit of forgery", so they can close out the check and tack on another .10 per item hate surcharge and hate people a little more. Harris Teeter is all ready a pretty hateful grocery. I guess I know why now. I'm getting pretty hateful too. But I don't charge more for it. I'm hateful for free.

I called my bank."Harris Teeter wants a what?" they said. I said "an affidavit of forgery", They said Did you give them the case number? And I said "Yes" and they said They want a what?. And so I explained and I told them it needs to be notarized and they asked Um. Do you have the checks in front of you?, and I said, "No, I received copies from you and I gave them to the police. I don't have them, oh, You're a bank! My bank! Copy something!". The girl explained that the checks have been sent back to the vendors, the bank doesn't have them . They have scans of them and they are going to have to search the ether for the ones from Harris Teeter. The girl I spoke to wrote everything down and promised to call me back.

Another girl called back. She said the bank doesn't have an official "Affidavit of Forgery" but they would work something out. She suggested I come in on Friday and pick it up. I have a feeling I should get it laminated, I have a feeling I'm going to be using it a lot.

So Happy.

I decided I needed to be in the market for a new purse.

I did my research, I looked to see what the design world was feeling for the spring. It is feeling over sized clutches and large purses with bitty handles. And having seen what the designers were offering and for how much, I went to Ebay to see what had been knocked off and for how much. Still pretty much. So I started to think Green.

I like green. I saw a very cute reclaimed licence plate purse at a store and I really wanted it, until I got a good look at the price. Going green is going to cost you a lot of green. Seems wasteful to me. And then I went to Ebay.



Please note the tiny handles and the candy colored graphic print. Score! Trendy! Spy bag! Woot. Not a summer purse, obviously. It's a little smaller than I am useing now and the trends are leaning towards large bags, but since all the stuff I used to carry around got stolen, I don't need the room. I was able to go green without a lot of green.

Title

My office is a snack free zone.

We had a less than satisfactory snack machine. It was undersized and stocked with grossly over priced “healthy snacks”. I blame overzealous members of the Wellness Committee in the building for this. Other buildings have full sized machines stocked with actual snacks at reasonable prices.

We complained about the mechanical health Nazi and nothing happened. It seemed to work, it was always full and it didn’t steal money. It didn’t steal money because no one ever gave it any, it seemed to work because no one used it, and it was always full because health care professionals would rather walk into traffic than eat plastic granola. They don’t pull machines that aren’t broken and they don’t agree that just because we have measured clinically dangerous levels of self-righteousness being emmited from the machine, that it is broken.

The Wellness Community suggests we drink water when we are hungry. There are no water fountains on this floor and the soda machines do not stock it. They suggest that if we are still hungry after not drinking the water we don’t have, that we do some yoga. Until the lotus position comes in packs of eight and is covered in chocolate and available for .65, it isn’t going to do well in this building.

I was in another building today and their machine was stocked with Ding Dongs! for .65! In our machine the closest alternative was .85 pop-tarts.

Was being the operative word. We no longer have our machine. We came back from the long weekend and it was gone, in its place was another under-sized machine. An empty under sized machine. And days later, it’s still empty. Those cursed .75 cent candy bars are a thing of the past. I miss them all ready.

The only thing worse than snacks you can’t afford are snacks you can’t have.

Speaking of things you can’t have. You can’t have the house behind me, it is gone. Completely and totally gone. You remember this image?




Time passed.


And then we had



And finally, we are here




I tried to find a picture of the house, but I didn’t really spend a lot of time making sure I had properly recorded it for posterity since where was it going to go? Well. It went in the back of a gravel truck. This is as close as I could find to a before and after picture.

Before



After

The Other Me

I got a late Christmas present last week.

My bank sent me the cancelled checks that my thief wrote. I can't say she is solely "my" thief anymore but if she hadn't stolen from me first she wouldn't have had the opportunity to steal from them, I got the ball rolling on her crime wave. I am victim zero.

I was excited to see what her handwriting looked like. To see how this person who would be me wrote my name. It made me feel better. My thief isn't a phantom anymore. Seeing her writing makes her real, She's right handed, just like me! Does she wonder about me? does she fret about the marked differences in our signature's? Her printing is lovely (Why doesn't anyone notice she isn't signing the checks?! She makes the checks out in cursive yet prints her/my signature! Hello!!!) I ran my finger over the signature, I studied the way she writes her numbers to see if there was any message any clue as to who she is and why she does what she does. I called the bogus phone number she uses - it's a fax machine.

She shops at the same places I do, Kroger, Harris Teeter, Food Lion, Target. I was very disappointed that the faux me spent retail on a computer though. The real me would never do that. The real me could never afford to do that.

The faux me, doesn't have any such compunctions. I can see how much she spent but not on what. I want to know what "I" bought. It might tell me more about "me". I want to know everything about us. Is she pretty? Is she funny? What kind of car does she drive? If I hadn't all ready planned out in detail how I was going to ruin her life, remove her parenthetical children from her custody, jail her friends and acquaintances and ultimately, kill her, would I like her?

I know she wrote our first check at Staples for $640 at 8:31 pm on January 8th. I guess she wanted to make a big splash. But why did she stop? Why did she spend $595.02 at grocery stores? two Food Lions for $144.99,two Harris Teeters for $259.21 (where she used my Vic card!), two Krogers for $187.74. I mean, I know why but if she was/is in the business of printing her own money, why slum? Are malls too hard to escape from if she needed to? Does she need a door close by? Is some one outside keeping an eye on her? or is she just trash with very low expectations? Can she not see beyond Staples? Would I feel sorry for her if I found out she was just some sad Poor-Little-Match-Girl-Gone-Bad? No, the bitch stole my purse. Not sorry enough that I suddenly would not want to kill her. Perhaps it would be putting her out of her misery. She might welcome death.

She worked fast. In the checks that have been returned to date she wrote one 1/8, one on 1/9, five on 1/10 and three on 1/11. She always remembers to write in the correct year. I also suspect that she might be more than one person...

Thus far she has stolen $1677.28. My detective called me, 26 days after I filed my police report. Do you know why Nancy Drew went Girl Detective? Because she had to wait 26 days to speak the detective assigned to The Case of The Missing Purse!

Buy!

The Fed, confronted with recession fears, cut a key interest rate by three-quarters of a percentage point today. The biggest cut in 24 years.

Stocks plunged at the opening bell, with the Dow industrials losing more than 400 points in the first two minutes of trading - U.S. investors ignore emergency Fed rate cut, join global selloff on recession fears.

Oscar Nominations


And the nominees are...

Tuesday, Monday, Tomato, Tomatoe

Dogger is sleeping. She is having a bad dream, she's dreaming that she just started a long weekend and all of a sudden she has to go back to work. Her nightmare and my reality intersect. But then she gets to wake up and remember Oh Thank Gawd!My whole life is a weekend!, while I have to wake up and go back to work.

In lieu of an actual entry go look at the pretty .

HAPPY DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY !!!!