The Bummies™



That was about as many laughs as the Oscars™ were the year Schindlers List won. Gawd.


I was expecting a load of California Recall jokes and I was not disappointed. I was not laughing, but I got what I asked for. It wasn’t that I counted a lot or them, six actually, counting a prolonged and painful “skit” dedicated to it.

It is such an easy target and the opportunities to snark on it plentiful. If Dennis “Sell Out” Miller had not had his newly short hair wedged up Rupert Murdochs ass, he could have been terrific. John Stewart did all right and I actually laughed out loud a couple of times but considering the amount of screen time he had, I could have been hyperventilating . While speaking of Stewart, he can never razz anyone for being less then inclusive, the Supreme Court has fewer white men working on it then his does. I laughed at the picture of Bernie Mac standing next to that Caucasian Kick Line and laughed. I laughed at Stewart when he bitched at the director for letting us all see it. No, he can’t win an Emmy™ for directing the Emmys™, but he can win a Snarky™ for making Stewart look like an ass.

On to what we really sit through this three hour Toast To Trash for, the clothing.

I saw very few men in tuxedos. They all had suits on. How do they get away with the relative comfort of a suit when they could be trapped in a tux? I blame Dylan McDermott for that. He showed up in a tone on tone suit and looked dead sexy. The next year they all did and most of them just looked like Goombas. Now they wear whatever they wore to their kids last ballet recital.

The women have to spend the time in layers of fabric in varying levels of torment. Tight girdles ( don’t even try to tell me some of those women aren’t synched into those gowns) tighter stockings, torture bras, slips, petty coats ( itchy, uncomfortable) layers of shellac on their face and hair, heavy earrings ( we will talk about those earrings) terrible, beeeyootiful shoes and some of the men weren’t even wearing ties. Bastards.

I thought most of the women really looked nice this year. I didn’t have to look at any of David E. Kellys lollypop kids, so I was happy. I thought Debra Messing looked nice but that Tyn Daly was wearing my slip cover and that the usually stunning Alfe Woodard showed up in a bathrobe and nightgown combo my grandmother donated to a thrift store two years ago.

Sara Jessica Parker looked like she got lost on the way to a road show production of Grease - and not a well funded road show, a back road show. She should never wear anything that appears to weigh more then she does.

I thought there was something familiar about Jane Kazametskys earrings, I have some just like them, but I use them as Christmas ornaments .

The whole chandelier earring thing is tired. Practically every woman shown was wearing them and they all looked bad, it totally ruined the outfits. I remember that style, it was 1986. It didn’t look good on me then and it doesn’t look good on them now.

Did Christina Applegate piss off the make up people? She looked like she ran into a buffing machine. . It was not a good look. Speaking of little blondes, when did that chick from Clueless start to e n u c i a t e every single syllable? It was distracting and made her seem affected. Or new to reading.

Did anyone else know that George Lopez is Hispanic? I had no idea until he told us. Over. And. Over. And over. I would have never thought it. I thought he was kin to Jim Belushi . Speaking of Belushi, what has happened to Courtney Thorne – Smith? She looked awful. Is that what being stuck on a nowhere sitcom on a nowhere network does to a pretty woman? She needs to escape to the Spelling mansion and go into beauty rehab.

Martin Short was too talented for the room. He rocked more in the little bit of time he was up there then the rest of them did all night. I am so looking at you, Wanda Sykes. Thanks to you Dogger got to enjoy multiple trips outside. Sykes sucks. And to suck to Cosby? so wrong, so many ways. True he looked like he had a stick up his ass the size of his Life Time achievement trophy, but still? to harsh on Cosby. Shame on you.

I called this the Bummies™ because we keep getting smacked around the head with dead people all night. I am sad for the dead people, really. But, awards are for the living. Dead people do not need the validation. Bob Hope, Mr. Rogers, John Ritter, Lyn Jacobson, Tony Shaloubs nephew… all damn night. If they didn’t say nice things to these people when they were alive, why wait till they’re dead? It’s hypocritical . If you weren’t going to remember then in your speech while they were alive, why are you doing it now?

It just went on an on. I was really glad to see Tony Shaloub bring it home and William H. Macy walk back and forth . I am heartened to see actual actors being rewarded for their work.

Anyway. Fun was had, fun was made of and hopefully next year more shows I care about will win.