Love Thy Neighbor



I came home yesterday afternoon and got ready to turn into my driveway. Emphasis on my driveway.

One of the Drug Dealers customers was blocking my drive way. This is not unusual. I do a u-y in the street and by the time I’m back to my drive way the offending vehicle has moved. Sometimes.

Most of the time I do the u turn thing and creep up behind the disobedient car and wait. And creep up closer to their bumper and wait. I am not willing to work any harder then that at getting them to move, I don’t have to. Its my drive way and they are in the way, they can move. I am not going to honk, unless I have to; I hate that sound and besides, it is between me and the offending car not the rest of the neighborhood.

So I creep up on their bumper, hands on the wheel and look at them. Sometimes I look at them and smile in an encouraging and non judgmental way, you are going to move your car, I know you are, you just haven’t yet. Sometimes I look at them and smile in a Hello! I’m here, hello! Move your car, okay? Kind of way. It irks me when I have to Look at them in any way. Because looking at the at the back of some ones head who knows for damn sure they are blocking my drive way and know I am there now and still aren’t trying to move their car really pisses me off. They studiously ignore me. Bastards.

If there isn’t anyone in the car I might tap the horn a little. Sometimes there is a Look Out outside the Drug Dealers house and if I get that persons attention he will go inside and the car will get moved. Not a problem. No harm no foul.

In the case there is a person in the car and they continue to ignore me and the car on their bumper, I start to send Move Your Car NOW vibes. If the simple MYCN vibes aren’t getting the drivers attention I start thinking more vehement MYCN vibes Move Your Car Now Damn It, movemovemoveyourcarnowdamnit. Usually by this time, they will heave a deep sigh ( I watch them get all heave-y) and the car gets moved. Or Not. Heaving a sigh or laughing, I can’t always tell. Bastards.

If they are still not moving the car I may open my window and think out loud, using their maiden tongue Move Your Mutha Fuckin’ Car, Mutha fucka. This doesn’t always work since I whisper.

Then I roll up the window and start shouting Move Your God Damned Car, God Damn it You Mutha’ Fucker. NOWNOWNOWNOW!!!AAAAAHHHHHH while I bang my head on the back of the seat and wave my arms around in a I am very angry, I have Liddy Dole on Speed Dial, mutha fucka way. The sight of the white girl losing her shit in the car has in the past got the driver to move the car because the freaked out white girl might get out of her car and cause a scene that could get one of the elderly neighbors to call 911 because they heard a woman outside screaming obscenities. Or even worse, and far more terror causing, I may call 911 myself, and scream about drug dealers.

After I have lost my shit in the car and the disruptive car is still blocking my drive way, I get out of the car and slam the door very, very hard. It’s bad for the car but it helps me work out aggression.


Yesterday, I was ignored all the way to door slamming. I slammed the door, gave the driver of the shameless car a hard look and stomped up my drive way to look in on my garlic. I was still in the drive way when the Drug Dealer came out roaring out of his house, screaming at the top of his lungs at the car and its obviously malevolent driver Move yo’ Mutha Fucking Car! Move it Right Now!! Move Your Mutha Fucking Car!! Don’t you EVER block that drive way! That lady ( with the cell phone and Tom Ridge on speed dial) lives there! Move your fucking car!!!

My Knight in Shining Kevlar.