Ask The Answer Dogs, Vol. 2


Dear Answer Dogs,

My dogs are not as cultured as you guys. They're much more "red-neck" than your cultured answer dog selves. They're favorite toy is vermin they catch in the back yard. Last night, they found a possum. My dogs have played with "dead" possums before, but the possums have always been playing possum. However, this morning the possum was right where they left it. Dead.
My question is: What is the proper etiquette for hiding a dead xbody?



Anonymous owner of 2 stinky redneck dawgs in tobacco country


The dogs were very excited by this question and all talked at once.

"I'm not allowed in my yard", said Dogger. "All I did was free a faucet and, okay once upon a time, I ate the heat pump, but is that reason to not allow me in my own yard? There could be dead things in my yard! I want my own dead thing! Can I hear an Amen, cousin Dogs?"

Bandit is chain chewing twigs and pacing back and forth "Dead thing? A whole dead thing? Right there in their yard? Damn."

Winston lies down and cries about the unfairness of the other dogs having a dead thing while he has no dead things.

Dogger continues. "I saw a dead thing once. It was squashed in the street and it smelled so good, it was wonderful! I could have stayed there in the middle of the street forever! But No!, (snorts) we had to go! We couldn't stay there and bask in the dead thing. I hate my life!"

"Oh, young dog! You don't even know from Dead Things!" says Bandit. "I have known some dead things. I have rolled - Dogger interrupts, "Rolled? In a dead thing!"

"Oh, I have rolled in dead things!" Bandit answered. "I have gotten dead thing all over me! You have not lived until you have rolled in dead thing".

"I hate my life" repeats Dogger, so depressed she doesn't even try to taste Bandits lovely ears.

Winston answers "Not all dead things are dead. Some dead things just pretend to be a dead thing.

No! Dogger is aghast.

"I have sniffed at a dead thing and got called back inside, and then whimpered until they had let me out again and then the dead thing is gone!"

No!

"You have to roll in the dead thing to tell for sure that the dead thing really a dead thing", explains Bandit.

"There is so much to learn they don't teach at Dog School. Sit, Stay, Come. Nothing they should call it Order Dogger Around School, I should be learning about dead things!"

Winston comforts Dogger "I feel you on that young Dogger."

My person is not the Giver Goddess I thought she was. She has never let me roll in dead thing! How am I supposed to learn about how dead things work if I never get to be with a dead thing? How am I supposed to grow as a dog?…" Dogger said.

"I Know!" says Bandit. "How are we supposed to fulfill our roll as carnivores and hunters if we can't hunt anything! And if we do find something to eat we have to spit it out? We get yelled at if we roll in dead thing. I can't get close enough to hunt for a Thing if I smell like a Dog. To catch the Thing you have to smell like the Thing. I feel subjugated."

"Damn The Man!" says Dogger. Dogger has not been the same since she screened Empire Records.



Dear Anonymous owner of 2 stinky redneck dawgs in tobacco country,

Get a shovel and put the body in a plastic trash bag. Two bags if it's a very gross dead thing. Seal the bag up and out it outside in a trash bin with a secure lid. Try not to think about the dead thing and hope trash day comes soon.

Sincerely,

Diana, on The Answer Dogs behalf.