The Worlds Largest County Fair

I went to the fair again. I know better. It’s a sorry State Fair. I looked for the farm animals and only found rabbits, a single goat and a handful of depressed cows. I looked for farm implements and found only a couple of scrawny old fashioned plows. I looked for the Automobile show and they don’t have one. I looked for the crafts and they were crap, I looked for free stuff and all I found were Bush/Cheney stickers - you couldn’t find a decent squeegee! or a new and improved orange juicer , or miracle pots And no one was handing out free fudge. No animals, no cars, no crafts, no free stuff and they don’t even have a decent Ferris wheel.

There isn’t even a decent freak show, unless you count the freaks in line for the fried twinkies and even they aren’t all that freaky. Here, wearing a mullet isn’t the I’m A Freak Give Away that it might be elsewhere. I want to see people cashing in what they have. I want little people in giant chairs! I want Thyroid cases in small suits! Showing me an average sized South American Forrest beasty and passing it off as a Giant Rat... although, this year they won points for displaying the “giant rat” in a dumpster - is still not good enough. I want to see a rat that would scare a New Yorker.

But it’s the State Fair and I can’t help it! The fair starts and I have to go be with it. I need to go be in the crowd, I need to hear it and be a part of it. I want to be a part of them.

But I’m not. I’m not one of them. I don’t ride the rides, eat the food or play the games. I bring nothing with me and I take nothing back. My life is complete with out a stuffed fish or a life sized blow up Spiderman. I do not need to shoot air guns at balloons to feel free. But I have to go. I need to be part of the swirl.

I said there are no freaks at this fair. There are, sort of. I saw signs for the World Biggest Alligator and the Worlds Biggest Rat. I saw signs for the Worlds Smallest Horse and the Worlds Smallest Woman. There was also a Snake Woman who they said had an “amazing” story - the amazing story of thalidomide, I suspect.


There was a lot of food at the fair. Fried food. Nothing smelled good, there wasn’t anything that smelled Fair enough o make me stand in line. I didn’t have to eat any of it to smell of it, I’m not going to be able to wash it out of my clothes and my hair reeks of fried smoke.

No one tried to sell me an Emu or an Emu farm or attempt to convert me to eating a diet rich in Emu. There wasn’t a soul there trying to talk me into become deeply involved in farming sponges either. What kind of State Fair do we have here?

I miss the State Fair of Texas.

The only good thing about this bloated county fair is that I can go at night. I love the fair at night. The 1/12 carrot diamel transforms into genuine jewel when the sun goes down and the lights turn on. Its like Las Vegas with out the expense or the travel or the show girls. Its what it must be like to be inside a Christmas tree. Everything becomes real, the music makes sense, the carnys become exotic, there are treasures in the trash. Its bright, its shiny and even the least interesting , least attractive duck race is transformed into NASCAR by the lights. I bet even the depressed cows are less sad at night.