Yeah. Right

I got the assignment of putting up the office Christmas Tree. Operative word “Office”, it’s the tree for the whole office, it is Our Tree. I put up Our Tree.

People around the office are all about “team work” and working together as a team, and the joys of blah blah team stuff, until there is actual Work to be done. Suddenly the office isn’t about team work its about one of you being a long distance runner and everyone else standing on the sidelines drinking hot chocolate and chatting about minivans.

I take the key to the closet where the tree lives in between gigs. I see only one tree. On the top shelf. I haul it down and try to not hate the whole world. Fail at this.

I get the tree to the buildings Official Christmas Tree location and leave it there to go do my real job. An elf comes to my office and suggests that maybe the tree I hauled off the top shelf and dragged down the hall is not the right tree.

Elf - Is that the tree from last year?

Me - I think so.

Elf - Are you sure? Do we have another tree?

Me - Why would we have two trees? That tree is the tree.

Elf - Could you go check?

Me - I didn’t see two tree boxes.

Elf - I think there is another one there. Go check.

Me - Grumble, grumble, hatehatehate

And what to my wondering eyes do appear?

There is another box.


I drag Tree One back to the closet and heft Tree Two back down the hallway. Tree Two is much less fun to carry by myself. I leave Tree Two in the hallway.

Later, after I recovered from the wrong tree trauma and I’m ready to go. How do you assemble your tree? Do these limbs have little color coded stickers on them? Are they different sizes? Is there a chart? A map? There is something that tells you in what order you put them on. I know there is. Tree Two does not have directions. I have a box full of limbs some with color coded stickys and some with out. Some of the limbs seem to be shorter then others, but its hard to tell. They all look alike. I am sitting in the middle of the hallway surrounded by piles of fake tree limbs in front of a treeesque pole. Every single person that passes me says some variation on “So, are you got the job of putting the tree up?”. I’m sitting with a tree box, piles of tree limbs and a tree. No asshole, I’m doing my taxes! After the eighth variation, I felt like saying “No, not my job. This is a guerilla action. I just grabbed the tree and I’m putting it up. I don’t care who’s “job” it is. I’m doing it!”.

Eventually, after much cursing and limb throwing, I got the tree up. It looks very tree like, more or less. It looks like it looks every year. I stand and admire my creation.

Elf #2 -“Was it taller last year?”

Me -I don’t think so. I think it was this same height.

Elf #2 - “Did we have a different tree?”.

Me - No, this tree.

Elf #2 - It needs to be taller.

Me - Kneel. It makes it look taller.

Elf #2 disappears and comes back with phone books. She wants me to go get more phone books. We lift up the now fully assembled tree and slide lifts under it.

Elf #2 goes away because she knows what’s next.


The Lights. The less said about this the better. I went to lunch hopeful that some elves would take pity or some initiative and finish the tree. I come back from lunch. The tree is still naked and dark. I get the lights on the tree. Because I didn’t actually kill anyone while I was trying to assemble it, the lights work. Thank You God.

Now, I start to put the ornaments on the tree. Its pretty obvious what I’m doing. So:

- “Getting the Christmas Spirit?”
-“Getting the Christmas Spirit?”
-“Decorating the tree?”
-“Hey! That’s the spirit!”
-“You putting the tree up?”
-“You need Christmas Carols - La, La, La....”
-“Getting the Christmas Spirit?”
-“You got the job of putting the tree up?”
-“Getting the Christmas Spirit?”

After the ninth time I hear “Getting the Christmas Spirit?” I choke back the urge to reply “No, after watching you walk up and down the hallway all damn morning and not even trying to help me, I had the Christmas Spirit, but I lost it. Now, I hate everybody and its ALL YOUR FAULT!”.

p.s - I am Not taking it down after the holiday.