Chance of Flurries

On the front page of the local paper yesterday morning was one word PARALYSIS . The correct headline would have been : PROFOUNDLY RETARDED. If I were the city fathers I would not want it published on the front page of the paper that we lost our minds and were freaked out to the point of city wide paralysis because a half and inch of snow fell. I think that’s the kind of thing they like to have buried on page 23 in the City Section under “News Briefs” along with the rise of violent crime and the graduation figures from the local diploma mill.

What happened was that it started to snow. Yes, in January, snow was falling. This is another thing the city fathers would like covered up, they like to say “Why, it never snows here! Look! Fresh seafood! Hardly snows here ever at all… just sometimes… just three or four times between December and March… just a few inches… not much more then 20 inches. If the city fathers didn’t want to be lying through their tobacco stained teeth they should say “It snows every winter, at least a couple of times. We shut everything down and empty the stores of milk and bread and the kids run in the streets for a few days a month, our schools really suck so it’s not like the kids are really missing anything. Hey, ya’ll wanna go to the beach?!”.

Losers.

This is what happened. We were supposed to get flurries. We got more. All over the city the little red necks looked out their windows and said “Looky thar! Its done started to snow! I best go on home before the traffic gets bad”. Well. One little red neck went out to his car and then another and another and all of a sudden the whole damn region was heading out early to beat the traffic. All at the same time. But right before they left, they called each other and said “Hey, ya’ll wanna go to work tomorrow?” and the answer was “Hell no!”, so they found a way to make sure they didn’t have to.

And the then little red necks at the schools looked out their windows and got the same idea. You know what happened? A lot of kids got stranded at school because the busses couldn’t get through. That’s right, we are so lame we couldn’t get the busses out because we got a half an inch of snow and it was cold and all the little red necks were on the road at the same time. They have no plan for snow happening during the school day. If it snows falls after dark the plan is to cancel classes out right, just in case, just in case of what is up for speculation. I imagine it snows in Minnesota and North Dakota and many other places where it snows every damn year and I bet they can get their kids home from school in the snow with out breaking into Law and Order to breathlessly share what complete morons they are while they are at it.

The roads were shut down. Nothing was moving, it was one giant parking lot all the way from the South Carolina welcome center to the Virginia border, because of a half an inch of snow. And we knew it was supposed to snow! Its not like it was a surprise or August or anything. Morons. Red neck morons.

And now, it’s going to snow tonight. More snow. In January! Oh, the humanity! To make sure that it doesn’t wind up with an apocalypse, I went to the store over lunch and stocked up on chocolate covered doughnuts, Pringles and Shiner – ‘cause you never know. If I’m going to be cold and stuck in the house all weekend I might as well be happy while I’m cold and stuck in the house. Drunks die of hyperthermia but at least they die happy.