Raining Cat Spas


The other night it rained. Hard. As I was lying awake listening to the ancient shingles on my roof being beaten to death – I thought about how nice the rain sounds in the morning. At night the rain keeps me awake.

While I was deciding whether I was going to start inspecting the attic for leaks, or try again to sleep, I went to the futon and bonded with The Kitty. Actually, I went to the futon and used The Kitty like a pillow until he woke up and realized how cooperative he was being of it and got out of the pillow business. It’s a shame, his girth and bunny like fur makes him an outstanding pillow. Anyway, before he bailed on me. I was laying there on The Kitty and thinking about the roof being punched full of holes, I decided to think less about the roof and more about The Kitty Spa. I mean, the world does not need a Dog Spa

Okay! This is Max and he is going to worship you until 3:30! whatever. Take your low self esteem to Hazeldon all ready and get over it. A cat will pay attention to you only when the cat wants to, you have to deserve the cats attention. All dogs are whores.

Cats on the other hand This is Fluffy. He's going to ignore you till he wants dinner. Feed him. I tried to imagine how I would staff the spa. Cats, I think, would not make the best employees, some how I don’t see them really enjoying the service industry. Most likely, I would be looking for kittens or very elderly, sedentary cats. I think it would take a lot of interviews and meetings with applicants to really be able to successfully staff the place. I see a very in-depth questionnaire for the cats and kittens to fill out, with questions about their kneading habits, are they declawed and if not, length of claws and regularity of clipping? What is their take on the cat-human relationship? There would be personal questions re: how much they groom themselves and how often they groom others, and the incidents of fur balls. Do they have cat breath and are they open to breathe fresheners. There would also be a section on how they feel about being picked up carried around and what is their view on the Cats as Free Weights debate? And how they feel about staying in one place for an extended period of time, say functioning as a heating pad.

I would have one group of cats that really like making biscuits. These are guys who would knead the couch cushions when there isn’t a person around. I would have our guests hide packets of catnip under their clothing and lie on the table and have the cats make biscuits on the guests cat nip fortified “trouble areas”. I think a herd of 9 pound cats getting themselves stoned while settling on your lower back and kneading it for forty five minutes would be heaven. I think this would really get the kinks out and relax the client. After the kneading there would be the Warm Cat treatment. In this treatment, differing from the Hot Stone technique used in non-cat friendly environments, we would use several now very stoned sleeping cats arranged on the client to best bring about relief from their stiffness and stress. And because we would be a full service spa, other less stoned but still immobile cats would purr through out the session to add a hypnotic white noise feature onto the Warm Cat treatment.

We would also have a skin refreshing option. In this treatment, after the client rinsed their faces in designer tuna brine, specially trained cats would perform micro-abrasion on the clients by grooming their faces and necks.

Once I got the spa staffed I would have to decide how to best serve our clientele. It goes with out saying our clients would be cat people, so I wouldn’t have to waste time on cat allergy whiners or people with cleanliness fetishes and issues with the added texture of cat hair in their meals.


I think it could work.