Law and Order – Animal Control


This morning I woke up to this note on my nightstand

I have had it. Leave tuna snacks in the food bowel and we can talk negations

Had enough? I went to the dog’s room and counted heads. There was only one head!! I opened the curtains to see and found only Dogger and an empty tin of dog cookies.

Me – Where is Nephdog!

Dogger – Chew, Chew, Slurp!

Me – Talk to me! Where is Nephdog! Who has him!?

Dogger – I don’t know! I was here by myself! I watched TV, ate some cookies and then went to bed early!

(HooowwwwllllllllllOOOoooooWWWWooowwWOooo)

Me – That’s a Lie! We know you were involved! Where is your partner! Where did you get those cookies?

Dogger – I don’t know! I don’t know!

Me – (slams hand on top of crate ow! ) Before or after the other dog disappeared? Talk, Dogger, do what’s right. Where is he?! I know you know where he is!

(HooowwellllllOOOOOoooOOOOoWWWwwwwOOOO)

Dogger – It was dark! I was scared! Other dog was sleeping and suddenly the door opened!

Me – Who was at the door?!

Dogger – He told me not to talk!

Me – He?!

(HooowweeellllllOOOOOOOoooWWWWooooWWw)

Dogger – No! Wait! I don’t know! It was dark! One minute the other dog was there and the next he wasn’t!

Me – Where is the other dog?! He only has so long before he needs to pee! Save yourself.

(HoooowwwleeeeeeelOOOooooWWWWWooooWWOO)

Dogger – I’m so afraid! Make it stop! Make it stop!!

Me – I’m your buddy, here have a cookie. Tell me where he is and I’ll make it stop.

Dogger – (shudders) of the Kitty! The Kitty has him!

(HoooweelllllOOOooooWWWooooWWWoo)

I left the Dogger in lock up and went on a room to room search for the Kitty and the kidnapped Nephdog. Where would the Kitty hide a huge dog? Why would a huge dog go with Kitty? How could Kitty get a huge dog to go with him?

On my way to the kitchen I found another note.

It read

“Negotiate or else

I didn’t know that this meant and also? I don’t negotiate with dognappers. I bend over and give them anything they want. I tried to think of why The Kitty took the dog. Kitty doesn’t even like dogs, why saddle himself with one? What was he trying to prove? I think that someone has spent too much time in front of Girls Gone Missing or CNN whatever you prefer. I have to hide the remote better.

I announce: “Kitty, time for food! foodfood, come one!"

“HowwwwweeeeelllllllOooooooooWWWOooooo”

Me – Kitty!

Kitty slinks into the room. It’s a testament to the strength of his kittyness that he can still slink into a room while riding on the back of Nephdog.

Kitty – Yes?

Me – Nephdog!? HOOOOwwwwwOOeelllllLLL!

Kitty – I don’t know what you are talking about.

(HooowelllllleeeeoOOOOOOoooOWWWW)

Me – Kitty.You can’t hear what I’m talking about.

“HowwweellllllllOOOooooOOOOOoWWWWwwoooo”

Kitty – Are you ready to negotiate?

Me – Not so much.

Kitty – What do you mean “not so much?”. I have the dog. You want the dog; you are going to have to negotiate to get the dog.

Me - I’m going to have to put his leash on and take him out to pee.

Kitty – I don’t see how that will be possible.

“HowwwwwweelllOOOOOoooooooWWWWWWooooWW”

Me – (attaching leash to collar) Whatever.

Kitty – I am tired of sharing this house with dogs! I just wanted my house baaaaaaccckkkk! I was willing to work to get my life baaaccckkkkkk!

Me – “Baaaccckkkkk”? It’s been 19 hours?

Kitty - I was here first and then out of nowhere, you brought a dog to my house. I just wanted my house baaacccckkkkkk!

Me – By spending even more time with a dog?

Kitty – It was a crime of passion!

Me - You aren’t even “passionate” enough to walk to your food dish under your own steam! Let the dog go. How did you think you were going to get away with this? Didn’t you know I watched 34,974 hours of Law and Order just last week alone? Not to mention 10 years of NYPD Blue viewership? If you didn‘t turn over the dog, I was going to feed The Baby to Dogger.

Kitty – you wouldn’t dare…

Me – I also watched a Shield promo.