To A/C or not to A/C

I found this “meowmo” over the weekend. It read:

Dear Feeder,

We’re Hot.

Love,

The Pets

The minutes from the family meeting follow.

Me - Yeah. You’re hott. Totally. I expect whatever Olsen twin that still has the strength to walk and Lindsey Lohan and maybe, Paris Hilton to show up any day and take you away from all this. They won’t feed you and they’ll force you to live in a handbag Dogger, but if you’re so “hot” it may be worth the trouble. I hear their SUVS have air conditioning. Sadly, they are not coming to your rescue. It’s not going to happen. In theory one of you could figure out how to turn the A/C on by yourself but frontal lobe and opposable thumb issues aside, ain’t neither of ya’ll tall enough to reach it.

Dogger - I’m tall enough.

Me – Good for you. Where is the A/C control?

Dogger – Uh…

Me – Hint, it’s not located on a table top nor do I have it in my pocket.

Dogger – Then I don’t know where it is. Look, I’m panting! I’m soooooo hot! Look at the suffering Dogger! I’m sooooo hot! Pant! pant!pant!pant!

Kitty – I’m hot too! Look at me panting! Think of anything more pathetic than a cat panting! Stop twirling Dogger! You’re getting dog spit all over the floor! Gawd, you’re like a sprinkler in here! You’re hot. We. Get. It.

Dogger – You’re hot too.

Kitty – But with 85 percent less drool. Sit down and shut up.

Me – I agree. It is hot. Hotness has landed. The house is hot. It is hot outside. The house also has three ceiling fans and multiple floor fans plus many windows. Dogger, you have both a ceiling fan and a floor fan and an open window at your disposal all ready. You need to shut up .

Kitty – You could have a floor fan, you have another one.

Me – That’s right Kitty, I could but I don’t. Does any one know why?

Kitty – Because you’re stupid?

Dogger – Because you don’t know where it is?

Me – Bweeeeeeeep. Wrong answer. You are both wrong, and Kitty, I want to see you after the meeting. No. I am not stupid and I do know where the fan is.

Dogger – Where is it then?

Me – It’s upstairs.

Kitty – In the hot.

Dogger – Does the upstairs need its own fan?

Kitty – The upstairs needs its own ice age.

Me – Says the guy who goes up there on purpose!

Dogger – I want to go upstairs!

Kitty – No! Its mine! The upstairs is mine!

Me – The upstairs? Technically? Mine. The fan is upstairs and I have not found the need to go bring it downstairs. It’s not that hot yet.

Kitty – Yet? You are comfortable with your use of “yet”! Its a thousand degrees in here! We’re dieing.

Dogger – We can’t sweat!

Me – Thank Gawd.

Kitty – We have all this fur!

Dogger – Huge amounts of fur!

Me – I know and it’s all over. You shed. A lot. There is “all this fur” all over my house and car. I’m surprised neither of you is bald yet.

Kitty – I’m a little bald.

Me – We are not thinking about that! We are over looking that! You are not balding. You have that hair picking disorder thing! The A/C is not going on. Yet.

Kitty and Dogger – WHEN.

Me – When I am hot.

Kitty and Dogger – YOU HAVE NO FUR! You can sweat!

Me – Human!

Kitty and Dogger – Species-ist!


Talks subsequently broke down. Once you pull the species-ist card its time to go to your corners.