(Don’t) Call me

You know what I do not want to hear when I pick up a call?

“Hi, I have this stupid woman on the line. I’m sending her to you. She’s a moron. Good Luck”.

This is how we in the profession health care field refer to members of the public. And oddly, the caller was as stupid as advertised and indeed, probably clinically a moron. I was glad for the heads up. It’s even worse when they just say

“Hi. I have a call for you” and then hang up and stick me with a moron with out any advanced warning. I like being able to prepare myself for the moronicness in advance. It keeps me from the pneumonia I would get from having to control sighing into the phone and ending up aspiration my You Are The Dumbest Creature On The Planet Why Are You Calling Me induced bile and the eye strain I would give myself from repeatedly rolling my eyes. I don’t think Workers Comp will pay a claim because you ended up in a hospital bed blinded and with pneumonia because were set upon by a moron.

I get a lot of stupid callers but normally to my knowledge, no one screens for stupid on purpose before they send them too me, at least I don’t think that the secretaries are screening for stupid before they send callers to me. They are nice ladies. I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me if a high degree of stupid was necessary to get sent to my number but usually, it isn’t as obvious. I think some people just pretend to be stupid thinking they can lull me into telling them what they want. For example,

Faux Stupid – Hi. I’m an attorney and I need to know the names of the staff your office interviewed in response to an incident.” ( pausing as if this is going to happen)

Me – Gawd you are dumb! That information is so completely confidential that I would be guilty of breaking a federal law and sent to jail and fined and most likely killed by my boss if I were to give that to you, but since you asked for it so bald faced like that and you should know better, here they are!

Right.

Some people call up and are just innocently ignorant. This is not their fault. They call up this number and they think that who even answers is going to make their minds up for them about what facility they are going to put their loved one in. We can’t do that. We have no opinions on the facilities and can offer no ratings or other measures of quality. I can read you complaint allegations all day if you would like. I would not like to spend all day doing that, but hey, public service isn’t for people with better things to do.

I would tell you that our investigators went out, looked at the medical record, interviewed the interviewable, toured the facility and checked all the bed pans and were able to find the allegations true. This is a bad thing . If I just finished reading to you twenty four allegations and I said each and every time “Facility failed to provide services to (fill in the blank)” SUBSTANTIATED”, this means it may not be the best place for your family member. I’m sorry it’s the closest one to you, I’m sorry it has open beds, I’m sorry it didn’t seem “that bad” when you went and visited and I’m really sorry you decided against Choice B Facility because it smelled “too much like a hospital”. It is at that point the caller goes from innocently ignorant to willfully stupid and I end up with eye strain and a head ache and pneumonia.