Bedazzled

I went shopping over the weekend. I was allegedly on a mission to find new sneakers. I have all terrain SUV sneakers but what I was supposed to be looking for on this trip was more sedanish in nature. I need something that is not as big and clunky and all terrain to wear when I’m just running over to the store. I needed Keds ™.

This is easy. There are Keds™ everywhere.

There are Keds™ everywhere; they just don’t have my size or a color I like. So, I was thwarted. I had a check book and a mission and I was thwarted. It isn’t nice to thwart a shopper. It makes us testy and may cause dangerous amounts of off topic purchases that will end up causing the shopper unhealthy amounts of buyers remorse.

For instance. Instead of buying perfectly rational sneakers I actually need, I was forced out of the shoe department of two different stores and into the dangerous and sale riddled non-shoe departments where I found many things I did not need. It is really important that store shoe department buyers keep plenty of each style and size and color on hand at all times! It is vitally important that prospective shoe buyers are not forced into the rest of the store to buy irrational things that are not shoe related! I was on a mission damn it! I was programmed to buy and that programming was thwarted! I was forced into some irrational purchases and I blame the shoe buyers at JC Penny’s. It is their entire fault that I ended up with (on sale!) bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans I did not need instead of the sneakers that I did.

I did not need bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans, before I saw the bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans. I did not want bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans but as soon as I saw the bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans I had to have the bedazzled, rhinestone studded jeans. I was not going to leave the store with out them if I had to use them as a purse! Damn it, those jeans were going to me mine.

I hate J.C Penny’s. I also hate the designer for putting the wrong size indulging in “creative sizing” with them and causing me to buy into the lie that I may actually be the size on the deceitful bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans of my dreams, when I know for damn sure I am not and have not been for a very long time that size. I hate me for taking the bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans into the changing room and being really impressed that the bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans fit so well and I also hate Bill Blass for being a jean bedazzling rhinestone studding size lieing asshole.

Thanks to J.C Penny’s I now can pass as an act at the Grand Old Opry and never even open my mouth! Yes, I now have in my wardrobe a piece of clothing that might not look out of place on an American Idiot contestant! Oh, My Gawd! I have Clay Akin jeans! And I like them!

They are really cute though and despite the fact they should not fit, they look really cute, I don’t have many opportunities to wear bedazzled rhinestone studded jeans, another reason to hate Bill Blass for reminding me I have no life and no need for his bedazzling tool – that bastard!, they are really cute. I now have jeans for “good”, which is exactly what my wardrobe was calling out for, jeans appropriate to wear for the more dressy occasions that come my way like club openings or Paris Hiltons 9th annual 21st birthday party…

I was also forced to buy a Christmas ornament shaped like a (big surprise) bedazzled cupcake and two plastic plates with snowmen on them as well as a much marked down fall print mock turtle neck. I never did find my sneakers. Damn You J.C Penny’s!!