The House Guest

Finally! @#$%^ servers!, you know it is always first thing in the morning somewhere...)

The Kitty has an undeserved reputation for being a bad cat, hence his nicknames of “Bad Kitty, Mean Kitty, Devil Kitty”. In reality, The Kitty is actually a real pussycat.

He sits on my lap while I watch TV in the evening and at night he curls up on the pillow and purrs into my ear. He’s soft, he’s furry and he likes to be picked up. He is really a nice little guy. He and I get a long, it took awhile , six or seven years, but we worked it out; in the fullness of time we were getting a long so well that I was even able to integrated Dogger into the household with limited blow back.

The Kitty and I communicate.: when he wants food, he lets me know this by tipping over light weight items I have left out in the kitchen . I feed him and he stops tipping things over. If he gets hungry at night he knows exactly what books he needs to put off the shelves to best express his hunger. He pulls them off and I feed them. Some may see this as a sick turn on behavior medication but I see it as inter-species communication.

It hasn’t always been easy: everything I own now is plastic or wrapped in bubble wrap, but like all good relationships it’s been worth the hard work.

I am baby sitting Mini Kitty AKA The Most Evil Cat Ever.

This is from his MySpace page:"This is me telling you to back the meow off" 


She has been in the house for a day and so far the nicest thing she has has had to say to me was when she asked me to go to hell. The other times we’ve spoken she has told me to go to hell. There are other things she’s said to me but they defy human language and sound more like RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!! I‘m not sure what this means but I’m sure it’s something ugly.

Me - Hiya Mini!!
Mini - RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!!
Me - Damn!
Mini - HSSSsSSSSSSS! type b, my favorite!!

At this point he runs upstairs and I tend to my wounds and do some chores

BANG

WHAP

THUNKATHUNKATHUNKA

I go up stairs to investigate and The Kitty is sitting on the his cat tree looking stricken.

Me - Kitty? Are you okay
Kitty - Get. Out.
Me - What’s wrong baby? Your eyes are huge!
Kitty - NOW!
Me - What’s going on up here?

At this point The Kitty grabs me around the neck and says

Kitty - I’m begging you! Get Out Now! Save Yourself!!
Me - This is my house.
Kitty - Did Eddie Murphy teach you nothing? When you are told to GET OUT NOW you GET OUT NOW!!

I decided at this point I need to go to the source.

I find “the source” hiding under the futon.

Me - Mini?
Mini - RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!!
Me - Mini! little baby kitty! Come on!
Mini- RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!!
Me - Ow. That hurt my feelings. I’m hurt.
Mini - Come any closer and I’ll show you “hurt” (at this point she pulls an iron file suitable for executing a prison escape and begins to work on her claws) You killed my people.
Me - My Gawd! (she has talons like a Ming Dynasty Empress WTF)They went on a trip! They’ll be back.
Mini - RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!! I want my Mommy and Daddy!
Me - OW! hurting me is not going to bring them back sooner.
Mini - What if I smother you in your sleep? Will that bring them back?
Me - No! It most certainly will not!
Mini - RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!!
Me - Ha! Missed me!
Mini - RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!!
Me - Can you come out from under the futon, my back is starting to hurt.
Mini -Do you take me for an idiot?
Me - No!

(Time out for grooming. I brush my teeth, she sharpens hers)

Me - Fuzzy baby! Come here honey! Come see me!
Mini - RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!!
Me - Ow! I just wanted to pet you!
Mini - nasty, sing song voice “Oh, I just wanted to pet you, I just wanted to violate your personal space, I just wanted to take advantage of your size, I just wanted to TOUCH you”... I’ve heard it all
Me - Bu-
Mini - RrrrrwwwHIIITHRAPZZZZ!!! GET OUT!!!

I did listen to Eddie Murphy, this stupid white person doesn’t need to be told twice.