Sprung

Dogger hates spring.

Just when she had become comfortable with being outside and only being threatened by stationary menaces like trees and over head wires - the evol birds are back.

Birds unlike the other Death From Above threats have the capacity to pick on her on purpose. The jet trails goad her from a distance and the over head wires aren’t given to dive bombing her while she is trying to pee. Dogger finds it hard to maintain the proper meditative concentration it requires to spend hours chewing on fallen branches when she is being used as bomber practice by wannabe jihadist mockingbirds looking to make a name for themselves by taking on bigger targets than the neighborhood cats. They could pick on the neighborhood pit bulls but they are not suicide jihadists.

So that is why on a perfectly good day when by rights I shouldn’t even allow her to sit inside and chew on her toy, that she is sitting inside chewing on her toy. If she were a child she would be spending the afternoon inside watching 35 year old Bewitched reruns instead of outside playing with her friends.

Me - Come on Dogger it’s nice outside!

Dogger - I have things.

Me - Things? What things?

Dogger - This chew toy isn’t going to chew itself. I have things.

Me - Chew that later!

Dogger -Later I’ll be napping and after that I have to lick my arm and after that I have dinner. I’m really over scheduled, actually. I don’t see when I’m going to be able to go outside. Why don’t I pencil “outside” in for, say, October.

Me - You plan on holding it until October?

Dogger - I took a class.

Me - A class?

Dogger - with a yogi? What do you think I do all day while you’re off in Office Land?

Me - I think you sleep all day.

Dogger - I’m deeply into meditation.

Me - How come when I come home you seem to be deeply into REM sleep?

Dogger - You're projecting now.

Me - Okay. Sometimes you sleep over here and then you wake up and move so you can sleep over there...

Dogger - I’ll have you know that I have a busy and active social life apart from you!

Me - How do you find the time when you are so busy "meditating? The only “social life” you encounter is are the Kitty and the dogs we meet on our walks and you hardly speak to them.

Dogger - You are so limited by your humanity!

Me - Humans really suffer from not being able stick our noses into each others butts.

Dogger - If you only knew!

Me - I can imagine.

Dogger -Anal sacks do not lie. For example, did you know that There is no identity theft in the animal kingdom? It’s impossible. We aren’t going to put on a random ID tag and try to become that dog, sure it would work on you - it’s not going to work with us. We are so much more than our names. We have a whole means of identifying each other that goes far beyond your puny senses. To you, that rat terrier may look alike all the other rat terriers, but we can tell the difference. I put my nose in your butt - I know who you are. You can’t fake that.

Me - What would it benefit a dog to steal a rat terriers identity?

Dogger - That is beside to point.

Me - Why are we still inside?

Dogger - Because now it is raining.

Me - Well played Dogger, well played.