Ms. Fix It

I decided that with vacation coming up there are things I need to get done.

1. Find out why the kitchen smells.

There are a couple of possible suspects, the first being that something died in my disposal. I poked around in it with my bare fingers and got all up in its business with a wooden spoon and couple of different flash lights but to no avail. I offered to sit down and talk to it rationally and with all the respect it deserves as a household fixture-American. It’s really hard to dialogue with something when it won’t even try to sit down at the table – it claims that I am behaving in non-sympathetic way, demanding that it as a sink bound appliance can not actually take a seat anywhere. I agreed and dropped my “sit down” request, instead we spoke sink side

M – Lets put our cards on the table

D – Excuse me! I can’t put anything on the table I HAVE NO HANDS!! Your lack of understanding is just another symptom of your overall lack of compassion for me.

M – Bad phrase use. I am sorry. Let us talk about the issue.

D – Fine.

Me - I need to know what is causing your anxiety and making it difficult for you to get your job done. What can I do to make your life more pleasant?

D – Being a disposal is my job it is not my life. I spent a lot of time in therapy because of that, the whole “work to live v. live to work” paragrim. Because I am called a disposal does not mean I am a disposal. My life is pleasant, my career is where my problems lie.

M – Again, poor choice of phrase. My concentration is off. Would you mind if I put your plug into place?

D – Mind? Do I mind? Would you mind if I asked you to put on a blind fold and stuff cotton in your ears? Do I mind?!

M - The odor is very strong.

D – You may use lemon juice as a disposal wash, if you must.

M - I Must.

gluck, gluck, gluck

D – Better now?

M – My eyes have stopped watering. May we proceed?

D - You hurt me with the spoon. I felt violated.

M – I was trying to find what if anything was some how causing your mechanism to not dispose. If I had found it I would have removed it. I didn’t mean to “violate” you. I was trying to help.

D – Help me or help you? I didn’t ask for help.

M - I don’t want to have to call in a technician…

D – Drain side manner of a plumbers snake…

M – That isn’t true of all technicians!

D – I would rather use natural remedies.

M - What if the “natural remedy” for what is wrong with you is to be replaced? , I don’t think anyone wants that.

D – You would do that to me?

M – Not if you see a technician, this might just be a minor problem. You have to trust the technician. They really care about drains; they are a very dedicated group of professionals!

D - If there was anything there that was not supposed to be there, if something was caught, don’t you think I would be the first to comment about it?

M – I don’t know.

D – Haven’t I in the past let you know that there was something wrong?

M – Only if you knew there was something wrong. You could be having some sort of internal problem that you might not be able to sense.

D – I know my mechanism.

M – You looked at the pictures in Our mechanisms, Our Selves but that doesn’t mean that –

D – I am totally in touch with my mechanism!

M – I didn’t say that you weren’t! I’m saying that you may have a problem and not know it. When was the last time you saw a technician?

D - I don’t need to check with the ATA to tell me how I feel about myself!

M – I’m just saying it may be time for your 30,000 grind check up.

At this point the drain spit some week old wet potato chips at me and we both left the "table".