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I was going to write an 800 word treatise on my various health complaints and how my much my job is kicking my ass - answer hugely, but I changed my mind. I don’t need to relive it and you don’t need to go there. Also Nephdog needed me and I got called away on a mission of mercy to help tend to him so I had to change my plans blogwise.

Instead.

I was slumped in front of the TV, eating some sugar free mini Reece's (TM) and feeling pretty smug about it. Yeah, I made a choice and it was a healthy choice. I didn’t have to ya know, I could have gone with the sugar version but noooooo, I went with the good and pure version instead. And so I’m slumped there watching MASH and I decided to go through my junk mail - some times there are freebies to be found and I have been burned by expired coupons. I ripped open an envelope because it said something was free and I like free stuff.

It was an ad for some magazine called Cooking with Cardboard or Your Colon, Your Self or maybe even You are Going to Get Cancer and Die!. The message being if you can actually taste what you are putting into your mouth it is going to kill you.

They enclosed a handy tip sheet to let us know what we should and should not be eating, for example, Sweet potatoes are good Marie Calender is bad.

Things that are bad that we should “NEVER EAT”. But really, would the people this magazine is aimed at ever eat these foods anyway? Isn’t it a bit like preaching to the choir?

1) Pepperidge Farm Chicken Pot Pie - it sounds really good, so of course its very, very bad for us. I make my own, so the warning is wasted on me.

2) McDonald's Chicken Strips and Burger Kings fries, Mrs. Fields cookies - What a surprise. I had no idea that vegans would want us to turn up our noses at random fast food. Gosh. I’m shocked that the chicken is salty or that the fries are 600 calories or that the quarter pound cookies might be bad for us. Nummy.

3) Haagan-Daz - Ice cream? Less then healthy? I am shocked I tell you shocked.

They also hate Campbell's soup, Hershey's Scoops, Starbucks blended cremes and anything from the Cheesecake Factory.

What do they approve of ? The TEN SUPER FOODS

Sweet potatoes. Grape tomatoes, skim milk. Blueberries - I can get behind that. Blueberries are tasty. Wild Salmon, none of that bourgeois farm raised salmon - that shit will give you cancer and play into the hands of the administrations plan to poison rivers and streams, ask David E. Kelly!, “crisp breads” A.K.A little bits of card board, Uncle Ben's wild rice - which lack “photo-chemicals” according to the hand out, I’m not sure what tribe Uncle Ben comes from but the only people I’d buy wild rice from (not that I would) but in general, were I to be running an errand for some one who would, I would only buy wild rice from those who sell it at the side of the road, no corporate wild rice for me, thank you very much, oranges “natures candy”, blah, blah... what really surprised me was the entries concerning pre-cut, pre-washed microwavable vegetables. Does some one have an all natural, guaranteed totally organic, farm raised, no added chemicals, anti-biotic free ax to grind?

I learned from the hand out though, I went to McDonald's and passed on the chicken and I'll never eat Burger King fries again.