Well?

Dear DeNiece,

I know you are busy with last minute things, getting your eye lashes in , making sure your eye brows are straight, getting your nails right... I know, it’s a lot of work. I’ve been there, We’ve all been there. Do you remember when your spleen formed! Wasn’t that cool?

I know, I know “it’s a fetus thing” and I wouldn’t understand, Hey, I was a fetus. It was a long time ago but I know how you feel. It’s getting crowded, your legs are getting a little squished. It is getting really hard to properly do your yoga and totally forget about doing 15 laps a day anymore... But you have all these other things to do! Last minute meetings with your hair people, the guy who does your make up... Your schedule is totally booked.

Here’s the deal. If you were waiting around for me to get my house cleaned up, its done. The house it clean. I knew you didn’t want me to be running around at the last minute trying to get it all done at once, and that’s really nice of you. I got the message and the house is clean. From gleaming bathroom tiles ( I scrubbed it! On. My. Hands. And. Knees. It's an inside joke, ask your folks) To shiny kitchen linoleum, also Scrubbed On Hands And Knees! Did you know that Formula 409 is a bang up floor cleaner? They don’t market it as that but in a pinch it does a good job. My hands are a little worse for wear but don't worry, I have some nice lotion that clear that right up I promise. But any last minute “poor Aunt Diana has a really dirty house and I don’t want her to be embarrassed about how it looks when Grandma and Grandpa get here, so I’ll wait around for her to get it taken care of”, issues you might have let them go. The house is ready. I may even invite the neighbors over.

But if you were waiting around for me to get my shit together, consider it boxed up and thrown away. I vacuumed, I polished, I laundered and I deodorized. You don’t have to worry about Aunt Diana being embarrassed about the state of her house. It’s fine.

Well, it will be fine for the next 24 - 48 hours, after that, it’s really going to be pushing it. I’m not sure I can stay in the house and maintain this level of cleanliness for much longer with out having to live in Minnie Van. You don’t want me to have to live in my car do you? Would you do that to your fur cousins? Think of others. Think of The Kitty and Dogger. So cute, so furry, so not designed in live in a van.

I didn’t do anything about the sorry state of my back yard but I don’t think that should have any bearing on your move out schedule. I think you should just go a head and not mind me - except to note that my house is not going to stay this clean for long. I may not ever scrub the floors on my hands and knees again in my life much less yours, so I really think you should take advantage of this while you can.

A cousin third or fourth removed was born last Tuesday and the longer she has a chance to be older than you the longer she is going to lord it over you. She all ready shares a birthday with Brittiny Spears baby and that must be a real feather in her belly band. She is going to be impossible to live with. You don’t want to be bossed around by some one who is a week or so older than you who’s only claim to fame thus far is that she shares a birthday with a member of the new Beverly Hillbillies’s do you? You have to represent here, you know?

I know you're busy with getting your stuff together, deciding what to keep, what to give away what to throw away, but you can totally feel free to leave, you have much better stuff waiting for you. Like your Mom and Dad.

Love,

Aunt Diana