TGIF

I finally decided I needed to wash my dishes. It was time that I stopped continuing to load dishes into my broken dishwasher and hope that the dishwasher elves would appear from where they appear from and that I would come skipping into the kitchen, happy birds fluttering around my head but not dropping shit on my floor - No wait, they would be cartoon birds! There are no bodily functions in cartoons! Okay, the cartoon birds would be happily fluttering around my head tweeting Aaron Copeland tunes and I would throw open the door of the dishwasher and my dirty dishes would magically be clean and streak free.

No, wait, that would mean I would have to put them away - I come skipping into the kitchen with the happy cartoon birds tweeting Aaron Copeland tunes and the elves would have done my dishes and put them away. .. Where I would put them, not where they would put them, and then make me figure out where things were because they knew better than me where my stuff should go. I would throw open my cabinets and they would be full of clean, streak free dishes . But, they would maybe still put things in weird places...

No, wait, another band of elves would appear and put away my clean dishes. Probably aided by the cartoon birds. Under my direction. Okay, that's better,

I do not love washing dishes. I don’t love doing it on special occasions. It is not fun or an adventure. I see no joy in "roughing it". The sink in my kitchen is merely a vestigial organ. It is the appendix of the house, it serves almost no purpose until it becomes inflamed and needs professional attention, as it does now.

And they don’t have Dishwashaterias or Dishmatts either. You would think by now they would have somewhere for you to take your dirty dishes. We would just load them up in dish hampers and we would take them to the Washateria and load them into over-sized industrial machines and then we would read three year old copies of Teen Beat and watch Telenovas until our loads are done. I mean, as it is now, your dishwasher breaks and suddenly it’s do-it-yourself time..

When your clothes washer breaks no on expects you to take your clothes down to the creek and beat them with rocks, you take your laundry to a public laundry and as long as you don’t make eye contact with anyone and you wash your hands immediately after you come home, everything is fine.

There is no such outlet for you if your dishwasher is broken. No, it’s dishpan ally for you bub.

You know what needs to happen? There needs to be a Telethon for the dishwasherless populous out there. They need to get a collection of celebrities together and have them pretend to answer phones for a few hours. They could get Cam Diaz to sit on stool, where she is beautifully lit, have her tearfully give her testimony about watching her Grandma wash dishes by hand, up to he elbows in hot water and how rough and raw her hands were and how little Cam promised, promised her Grandma that when she got famous she would never have to do the dishes by hand again! the But sadly, her Grandma died of acute chafing right before Cam made it big and now it is her goal in life to make sure no one suffers like her Grandma, ever again!

She will shuffle off the cry prettily into Dane Cook or Vin Diesel while Tom Hanks takes the stage to bring some gravitas to the proceedings to talk about how those of us at home can help out in this time of national need. And then Leo Dicaprio will take the stage and talk about how wasteful hand washing is and how it’s really important we do what we can to save water by using dishwashers and how dish washing detergent is poisoning the ground water...

And then Al Gore will take the stage and the celebrities will wet themselves with joy and then Al and the cast of High School Musical Goes To Broadway! will do a scene about the shame of dishpan hands and Al will be nominated for, and win a Tony and then Springsteen will take the stage and sing My Manicure In Ruin...

Yeah. Did I mention when I finished washing my dishes that I still had to plunge out the drain and that I found out where all the dirty water goes when it disappears down the drain? It goes directly to the dishwasher where it quickly over flows onto the kitchen floor.

Super.