Eat it, just eat it. Put it in your mouth and eat it

I woke up and went outside yesterday morning and got a surprise.

It was cold. Okay, "cold" might be too harsh a word. How about "the air was cooler than my body temperature. It was still a shock though. It's been months since I went outside first thing and didn't break into a sweat. It was also dark, It's been like that in the morning for several weeks now and I really do not approve. Clearly, mistakes have been made, its August for Gawds sake! High Summer! and even worse? I've found dead leaves in my yard but I've also found dead rats, so I know it's still summer. I don't find many dead rats in the winter time. Nothing says "summer" to me like bagging up a dead rat at 6:15 am.

This year through the dead rats are my dead rats. I think one of my neighbors is taking the initiative and poisoning the little beasts for me, which is nice but, my question being, Why do they always, all of them, die in my front yard? All. Of. Them.. It doesn't matter who is killing rats, next door, three blocks away, Garner, all the dead rats walking come to my yard to die. Over the years I have become the neighborhood rat undertaker, the problem this year is that I am shopping less and have fewer plastic grocery bags, the gold standard in dead rat disposal, and so I have been having to utilize plastic newspaper bags and they are turning out to be the green ribbon of dead rat disposal.

And then I went to work and the woman in charge of the snack basket promised me she was going to replenish it with chocolaty goodness. Somewhere between then and now, she attended a Wellness Committee meeting and got born again. Instead of candies and cookies she restocked the basket with off brand fruit roll ups, granola bars and crackers. The only bow to the majority she made was some chocolate biscotti of questionable origin. Have you ever tried to dunk a biscotti in a coke can? Oh, and before you ask, no we do not have a communal office coffee maker nor or we allowed individual coffee makers in our offices.

For my .50 I am expecting a sugar high. I don’t go up there hoping to lower my cholesterol.

Before that damn meeting she had promised me afternoon brownies! I’m a somewhat regular customer up there depended on what she has available on a given week - On Monday if all she has a bags of pretzels and crackers I'm done for the week. She knows their customer base prefers the chocolate/salt treats over the cardboard/window blind treats end of the spectrum and yet she is still pushing her health fascism. If the Wellness Committee gives her a hard time about her stock she should just remember who provides the funds for that stock. We’re not asking for much, myself, I am not asking for a selection of Little Debbie’s or Pringles and I’m not totally against healthy snacks on the whole, but granola bars? And plain granola bars at that! Special K makes some very nice energy bars that are quite healthy as well as being liberally drizzled with chocolate.

It’s about meeting us half way. Health, with a spoonful of sugar to make our medicine go down.