Thursday, March 12, 2009


Deep Sigh. My power mower died. It was a family heirloom I inherited from my Grandmother. I'm sad now. I didn't use it very often because I also have the very fabulous and friendly to the environment rotary mower and I use that one all the time, most of the time, just about every time I have to mow the lawn but there are times when the lawn needs to be disciplined and the push mower is kind of  um, push-over sometimes.

I need power because there is always a weed or a patch of weeds that laugh at the manual mower! I can mow over them three or four times during a mowing and nothing, the weeds are all Did someone tap us on the shoulder? Did I feel a breeze? and I'm all like  Don't Push Me Asshole and the weeds are all like Push? Did you say push? Try to push us over lamo! And then I end up having to pull them manually and I think that just makes me look bad in front of the other weeds. And so the next week I pull out the power mower and I'm all like Say hello to my little friend!

But. My little friend is a twenty-five year old mower and its forcing gawd only knows what into the environment and I am officially against doing things like that - Which is why I use the Leo Dicaprio approved push mower - But, the push mower is so friendly to the environment  the yard has no respect for it. Yards need to feel fear of the mower, they need to respect the blade and they do not respect the push mower at all, the sharpness of the blade non-withstanding. It just doesn't have the huevos that the other mower has. It has little, non-antibiotic  free range, 100% organic huevos while the power mowers' huevos are steel belted with  a gas powered engine and spark plugs. It's Roar vs. Meow.

But.  Its moot now. My power mower is dead and I need a new one. Yes. "Need". I need a new one. So, armed with  the words "Briggs Stratton Engine", I set off to shop for a lawn mower. Se-xy. I went to the likely sources, first Wally-World because cheap is good. Wally-World had their mowers up on a shelf where I couldn't read the tags. Thank you Wally-World for being so customer-centric.  Assholes.

I didn't need to see the literature to see that Lawn Mowers  are expensive. The lowest end version which was essentially a goat you don't feed ran $124 and was plastic. I don't feel plastic lawn mowers. I feel steel. I want something that is more butch than my sandals. I want a thug in steel toed boots out there kicking my lawns ass, not some hippy in flip flops talking to it about it's feelings  If you want a thug you have to pay for the muscle. I want Vin Diesel not the cast of The Pineapple Express.

I got mad at Wally-World and I moved onto Home Depot. Do you know how much money you can spend on a push mower? OMG. And not  hard-core professional strength mowers either. Lawn mowers just for Joe Homeowner to use once a week on his yard. I'm discovering my grandmother had very good taste in lawn mowers. Very, very good taste. I would be surprised if her mower didn't come in a blue box, I'll have to check its leaf bag because I think it's a Pendelton. It is going to be a damn hard show to follow. Today if I bought that same mower would be almost my mortgage payment.

There can only be one mortgage payment.

I moved to a different section of lawn mowers and found essentially what I wanted. Self propelled, Brigs and Stratton, mulching, 20 inches wide, $179. Problem solved. I left and made a note to come back once my refund checks come in. But then I went  home to play with the computer and a thought came to me : Electric Lawn Mower. I did a search and Target sells them for $20 less than my pick!  although the electric is a little narrower and it's not self propelled. The non-mulching was an issue until I read a review that offered a ap to fix that. Ah ha!


Kind of awesome. But there was another mower, the dream mower, the mower to end all mowers.
The Mowmba! a total steal at $1,999

I'm now  going to excuse myself to go daydream about  it tooling around my yard.

No comments: