Gawd.

I got my new Real Simple and its all about Energizing!My!Life! didn't they know this was the July issue? I don't want to know about energizing my life in this heat, I want tips on staying inside with my air conditioning and going outside as little as possible. Period. Talk to me about energizing in October. Layers make me energized.

Who has "energy" in this heat? Do they have any idea how humid it is right now? DO they know how much energy it takes me to get up and stand in front of my refrigerator? I nearly died  deadheading my flowers! died! I tell you! I was soaked through and breathless and I was outside for forty minutes.  If I did any more energizing I would probably have died of heat stroke.

Also? they could compare and contrast mosquito candles. Mine just seems to confuse the mosquitoes and ultimately, I think being around them alot gave them the munchies. I would like an entire issue dedicated to new and exciting ways of  watching Law and Order reruns and scheduling our lives  around Curb Appeal episodes! I want tips on the best positions for lounging on the couch

 And  instead of recipes for things that mean I have to turn on my oven, I want recipes for DIY popsicles - whither food coloring? or go with Kool Aid?  I do not want to learn fun new ways of looking sporty on a budget at yard sales and I will never, never never appear in public in white jeans. Who does that? White jeans? What? Clearly they have spent too much time riding on the "jitney" and being  rich and thin and East Coast. Only the too rich, too thin and too jitney ready would think that plastic earrings from Avon were clever. If they were really good they give us ways of making plastic earrings from Avon clever.

And yet I love this magazine. This issue just pisses me off. It's just too hot for breathless excitment about  peplums.

You know what would be really cool? Fans A whole section on fans! Big fans, little fans, cute fans, plastic fans! art fans! That's what I want! I want a whole section on which fans blow the hardest  the most aggressively and at the same  most quickly because I keep these puppies going 24-7. I want a fan that doesn't just blow the same hot air from point A to point B, I want to know which fan creates its own environment and then blows it in my face.

It would also be cool if they could have a feature on creating artsy things with my mosquito bites.