On The Road Again

I can’t wait to be the road again… By the time you guys read this I’ll be on the road again.

In the back seat of my Mothers truck. It could be the jump seat of my brother’s truck or the drivers’ seat of mine, so I’m getting out lucky.

I got myself all packed. Then I find out that while Spring had sprung where I live it is still the tail end of winter where I’m going. So change of plans, out with the tee shirts, in with the turtlenecks. I’m going to wear an almost coordinated jacket over my summer weight party outfit. My winter wardrobe is not party ready. My winter wardrobe says “Hi. My name is Sweater. I have a bad cough”.

In trying to find something to wear I realized I had nothing to wear on my feet. So over lunch I made an Emergency Shoe run. I didn’t have time to be picky, so I just found the right color and prayed for a size that wouldn’t hurt my feet too much.

I got lucky. On Sale even. The issue being is that they are sandals. My feet aren’t ready for sandals. I have about a thousand pairs of socks and everything I own has laces. I have chosen to say no to a foot fetishistic world. My toes are not ready for foot porn. My toes are going to be all naked and exposed. The toes are going to hit the stage, ready or not. I am a professional. We will be ready. I may have fingernail polish.

I went to Brosky and Alphagal’s house and raided Alphagals enormous supply of fingernail polish. Alphagals’ toes must be toe stars. She can paint her nails with out even touching her cuticles. Alphagal knows what cuticles are.

I found a very neat shade of pink. It even has sparkles. I applied it. I figure that a little is nice, a lot would be even nicer. It looks like I allowed a four year old to do my nails. A four year old with poor muscle control and a short attention span.

My fingernail polish only lasted fifteen minutes before it started to peal off. While this is a very interesting sensation, my nails look like crap now. I’m going to have to take it off, leading to my fingers and toes not matching and I think this may be a bad thing.

I missed the day they taught us how to apply fingernail polish in How to be A Girl 101. I must have been at soccer practice getting beaten up by girls named Tiny.

My cousins who I will be seeing this weekend, are good at those things. I don’t see them often but they always look nice. Effortlessly Nice. I achieve Nice only with enormous effort. Needless to say I show very little effort on an average day. They show more effort for a trip to the grocery then I do for spending the day at work. They did their homework in How To be A Girl 101.

I bet they did extra credit projects and cleaned erasers after school, while I was dodging cars in the street playing four square in the street with my friends.

I finally over came my hair issues and learned to use product to make it less shrubby. Letting it grow also seemed to help. Throwing away my hair dryer really helped. The hair dryer was acting as some sort of Miracle Grow Shrub Hair Food and my hair did not need to be shrubbier. I think they taught Hair Pruning in that How To Be A Girl Class while I was playing in the dirt in my back yard.

In college I so few female friends I had to get a subscription to Cosmo just to keep up with what other girls were doing. It became clear very quickly I was not a Cosmo girl. I am not as smart, easy, or willing to under go Brazilian Waxes or laugh his jokes no matter how much his car costs. The magazine requested I not renew my subscription.

Screw Em. I aced How To Be A Woman 4230, I ended up with a great rack, and I don't have to laugh at things I don't think are funny, like his jokes, but I can laugh at things I do think are funny, like his Kia.

Anyway, I’ll be back Monday with a report about the weekend and my 12 hours in a car with my family.