No (clothes) Horse Sense at’ll



I’m going to a 90 year old mans birthday and I haven’t a thing to wear!

Not just any 90-year-old man, my Great Uncle’s 90th birthday. He’s a lot sharper then some people I work with. I saw a picture taken of him years ago while he was in the service, he looked like he kicked a lot of ass in his day. Little guy, huge arms.

It’s not that I have no clothes to wear. I just don’t have anything I want to wear, in that I have worn everything I own and I don’t want to wear them again.

Brosky and Alphagal brought me a fab blouse from France when they were there last summer. I would love to wear it. But. My Mother said jeans weren’t on the dress code for the event. I could wear if I could find something out of the denim family to wear with it. So I would have to go shopping with it and look at every damn thing in multiple stores until I found the perfect thing and by that time my Uncle would be well on his way to celebrating his 91st birthday. I need it by Friday.

So, taking the cool blouse out of the running. I again look through my closet. Ew. Why does everything I own look the same? Who let me buy so many long flowered dresses? Why did I buy the same one every time? I need What Not To Wear stat. I also need to delete everything navy blue. That would leave only flouncy flowered dresses and that could get hard in January.

Every time I go to the store I find one cute thing, which I imeadiatly want. I remember that while I still have checks it does not mean I still have money so I tell myself “yes, that is cute, but where am I going to wear it? To work? To walk the dog? Mowing the lawn?” I should add in there “To my Uncles Birthday Party?” “Yes, I’ll wear it to the party! Of course!”

And on the odd chance I do find something I really like it is really expensive and I find it much less cute then I had thought. It would also make me look fat or is so tasteful I might fade into the wallpaper.

Since I am running out of time I went shopping over my lunch. I figured I would shoot over there, look at the sale racks and find nirvana for 60 percent off.

Outfit 1 – Very cute, very on sale and it fit! I found it in the Juniors Department and it fit! Woo-Hoo. The skirt was all swingy and the top made me look tastefully busty. Big Score, on sale and tasteful bustyness. Then I looked in the mirror. Peach is not really peachy on me it’s more like bruised peach. It made me look washed out in an I used too much bleach way. The yellows in the skirt were kind of ick yellows. I put it back and left, sob, the Juniors Department.

Onward and Sportswear - ford.

Not going to make dress code in this department. Camp shirts, Bermuda shorts, clam diggers and appliquéd tees. I need shorts. But I am on a Mission. There is nothing in this section. Moving On.

Purses! I need a summer purse, Hawaiian Print Purses! On sale. I need one, they have sparkles on them. I will be so tired of it by the end of the summer, but I must have one.

Okay, now I have broke my shopping cherry. I am really ready to do business.

Better dresses. This is where I should have started. Sales Racks a go go. Boy, these are exactly like I have in my closet. I need another flouncy, flowered dress like I need more navy blue.

Oh! A navy blue flowered dress! The synergy! The price tag! I need more flowers like I need more navy blue. Moving on.

I am running out of time. I paw through the racks and find

Outfit Number 2 – Red. It’s a good color on me. The skirt is too big (Yay Me!) and the blouse and skirt together make me look like a tall picnic table. It also looks vaguely uniformy in nature for some reason. Moving On.

Really running out of time. Ready to check out.

One register open. Methuselahs’ mother works at Kohl’s. There was only one lady in front of me. Methuselahs’ elderly neighbor. The woman only had four tee shirts and a couple of nightgowns. How long could this take? That Long. All the tee shirts were “Oh, that is so cute” all four times; the nightgowns caused a whole dialogue on choices in eveningwear. I grew old enough to care.

Finally. I have my check made out, my license ready and my keys in my hand. She couldn’t process my check. She called for help. Eventually the guy wanders over and tells her what to do. She looks at him blankly. He looks at her blankly. I look at both of them homicidally. Mr. Genius finally walks Methuselahs’ mother through the process and I’m out the door.

I’m going to wear something I found in my closet. It goes with my new purse. Be afraid.