Thursday, May 22, 2003

Them and Us

I finally had to sit down and get it done. Put my nose to the grindstone or magazine stock as it was and just do it. You go through the trouble to setting priorities for yourself and you work to maintain them and then this happens.

I hate it when I get lazy like this. I am pathetic.

I have two weeks of Entertainment Weekly and the newest Us just sitting around, unread. I blame sweeps for my lack of nose to the magazine stock work ethic.

If I didn’t have to watch Carter and Luka (pant, pant) sweating in the Congo, or David Caruso et al running around Miami not sweating, or Law and Order: CI or Buffy sigh or Angel getting all Wolf Ram and Hearty. I could have skipped NYPD Blue or Lucky or approximately 432 hours per week of Law and Order: Original Recipe.

Total loser.

So while I was neck deep in all the bathos I could handle, I could have read a magazine during the commercial breaks instead of selfishly using that time to take the dogger out. Bad Subscriber.

And since the EW I read was old, all the gossip was dated! The Horror of old news. Even worse, I think Britney has had the same hair color for like two weeks. She must be growing up. Xtina has also dumped the peroxide. She makes Betty Boop look down right wholesome. Or at least flat chested.

Us, they had a whole story on who is no longer banging who in Hollywood. Cam Diaz is on the market! Jared Leto is a free man! And shockingly, Jho and the only Strait Male Dancer in America broke up. I’m sure Ben Hackleck is glad to see that.
That the dumb kid from That 70s Show and his insipid blond girlfriend broke up. That is so old news. I read that weeks ago in EW. I think even had it before they did and they have no game at all.

They bravely went back in history to revisit Julia Roberts and Keifer Sutherland! Most of their readers weren’t even reading Teen Beat back in 1991! They are so Cutting Edge, you could cut your finger!

There was also a shocking feature on the shocking lives of the finalists on American Idiot, er, Idol. Wow. The little red headed boy lives in my town. In yesterdays Life Style section in the paper was dubbed Clay Style. 11-year-old girls everywhere think they are wetting their pants over him. Someday they will be very ashamed of that. I’m sure they will all lie and say their first celeb crush was an actual celeb, probably on one of the 7th Heaven trolls or one of the kids from Malcolm In The Middle. The other cast are not from here and I don’t know who they are. I plan on keeping it that way. I also plan on not knowing who the little boy is either. It may take work.

Entertainment Weekly is all about The Matrix Part Again, so soon? I’m going to see it this weekend so I had to read it carefully to avoid learning anything about it. I don’t remember anything from the first one except that Bill or Ted was in it and he was hot. There are other people in it who dress like Monks with a leather fetish and SMBD issues. I think they are the good guys.

They have a sizable feature on upcoming bands. I feel really old now. I think I’ll find a Dick Van Dyke vehicle and pop open an Ensure. The bands seem to be made up of geeks with out showers or tat covered morons playing at being the Ramon’s. And Failing. And a couple of chickies who want to be either the next Jewel or a younger less skanky Britney/Christina clone. I made myself feel better by knowing who Amy Sedaris is. She is also from my town but so far I have not seen Amy Style in the paper. We suck.

To honor Mothers day the magazine proudly printed Paparazzi shots of various Hollywood players hanging with their Moms. Did you know that Penelope Cruz wasn’t hatched? And that Lolly Pop Head Callista Flockharts bought child does appears to out weigh her? Does the Atkins diet make toddler food? I bet she knows. Ann Heche was also pictured.

I have to start on my second Entertainment Weekly before I can watch Law and Order – Original Recipe big 300th episode airs. It is all about priorities.

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