Doggy Got Blech


I’m never more then about eighteen inches away from Dogger, I didn’t notice the odd little patches on her coat. I did notice the icky rash on her belly. I fixed it. I congratulated myself for being such a good pet owner and saving myself the big ticket vet visit.

I should have congratulated myself on being such a good vet client. I am now paying for big ticket toys for my vets’ sailboat.

Dog has something. It’s not mites or fungus or fleas. She doesn’t itch, lick or shed more hair then normal or display symptoms of discomfort. She’s just going bald one little patch at a time.

So I went to Dr. Gimmy Cash, DVM

There is a theory that you should check out a mechanics waiting room before you let him work on your car. If it’s a nice, clean, comfortable space with magazines, coke machines, comfy couches… Run don’t walk from this guy. You’re going to get screwed. This same theory relates to vets offices as well.

Lots of seating, up to date magazines, separate waiting areas for dogs and cats.Designer pet food, hand made pet toys. Bad signs. Fluffy or Rovers check up is going to cost more then yours. There will be no little problems.

Saturday morning I pack up Dogger and her rash and head off to Dr. Cash’s’ office to empty my checking account and to buy a new depth finder for the doctors sailboat.

After poking, prodding and scratching Dogger the vet declares that Dogger has a rash. A Rash. She ran a little comb through Dogs fur, scratched a little surface skin, She gives me an $18 bottle of dog shampoo and $60 worth of antibiotics, two ten second tests and a sick pet visit surcharge. Total for rash? $170. $170 for a rash. The last rash I had, I scratched myself until I bled and was miserable. It didn’t cost me $170. And it was my rash. Shite. Hint, pink moss? . Don’t pet the “pretty” moss. Green moss good, any other shade of color known to man? Bad.

Have you been feeling pretty full of yourself? Started to think what a cool person you have become? Need a way to bring yourself back to earth? Take a bath with your dog.

Put your bathing suit on; be sure to eat a big meal just prior. Get your dog into the tub. Soak it down. Pull out the very expensive. Medicated dog shampoo out. Apply. Thoroughly work into dogs fur. Just climb right into the tub, scrub, scrub, scrub. Make the dog stay in the tub with the soap on it for 10 minutes.

Think about how long ten minutes is. Think about 10 minutes with a wet, soapy, intermittently highly motivated to escape dog. A big lathered up dog and you in a bath tub with $18 a bottle medicated dog shampoo. For 10 minutes.

You are covered with dog fur, dripping wet and smelling of wet dog and $18 a bottle medicated dog shampoo. You look fat in your bathing suit.

Dog is wet, soapy, balding and looks better then you do.

You are totally in touch with yourself, grounded and deeply at one with your totality. You write a book about your experience and your new self-image, grounding and newfound totality. You never have to bath the dog again.

Only you do. Twice a week for the next month. Because it keeps you in touch with yourself, grounded and deeply at one with your totality.


Found Art

I had planned to attend a very nice Garden Party / Art Show. I did. It was nice. I learned about elephant garlic and I found a Hydrangea variety that I want to plant. On the way to the show we drove through the Historical District. There was a sign that said “Art Show”. This could have been anything. Little Kyle and Jessica showing off their finger paintings or Betty and her portraits of Shelties and she wants to show you what she can do with your dog, as long as your dog is a Sheltie. Betty only paints Shelties. You take your afternoon in your hands when you go into a strangers backyard to look at their "art".

It was an art score. A real artist selling real art and he had the best back yard ever. He had priced the art for Gallery Sale prices instead of Garage Sale prices, but it was so neat. Art just sitting there, up against the fence, under a tent, in the carport. Sculpture, oils, watercolors, collage, photography. Some of the larger pieces were almost murals the smallest were the size of large postage stamps. All in the most gorgeous backyard with lovely music wafting through the trees. What a kewl way to spend the afternoon. I ended up with a new coffee table (not art, just for sale) and a small clay figure of a sitting man in a tank top and jeans. He’s blue and I’m going to call him Steve.