Babbling Your Pets


I was thinking how I really haven’t communicated with my pets very well. I’ve not put the time into our relationships. It would be easier if we understood each other better. I know that “No! No! put that down now!” means, “No, No! put that down now”, but do they. Kitty ignores everything I say out of hand, which leads me to believe that he may understand what I’m saying.

Dogger makes some effort to listen to me. She understands body language pretty well. If I make myself look bigger, she will usually respond by trying to look smaller. Which is good, she doesn’t stop what she’s doing. But she seems to recognize I’m not happy with what she’s doing. She doesn’t care. But she is sad that I seem unhappy.

I don’t want her to feel my pain. I want her to put my shoe down.

With Kitty I could burst into tears and his only reaction would be to lick his butt . Cats do not feel our pain. Kitty does know when I don’t feel well and I can forgive him a lot the times he has shredded my magazines for the times he has curled up in my lap.

Dogger tries to curl up in my lap, but it’s really not the same.

In the middle of the night I imagine if Dogger jumped up on my bed I would probably would either, worst case, have a stroke or best case, get squished. Kitty is a lot more graceful and less likely to kill me while jumping on the bed. Dogger would never try to use me as foot path even if she really wanted to go outside or wanted to eat right now. Kitty always needs what ever he needs right now. Dogger starts with whimpers that end in opera. I dread the day they decided to sing together.

I started to think that if I could understand them better, maybe they could understand me better. I needed a translator.

There are translator sites for every language you can think up a type face for. Some for languages that don’t even have a type face. There are site that will translate random clicks and whistles. Nothing for barks and meows.

I even found one to translate this site! It is my newest toy. Please use it. I think it’s fun .

Anyway. I had to go to every corner of the Internet, and there are some dark and nasty corners - I finally found one.

It requires a bunch of audio stuff that I had to down load and now I’m going to get sued by the Recording Industry, but I need to be able to talk with the animals.

Okay. So. I had Dog and Cat record a few phrases into the mike- both animals thought it was a neat new toy and that slowed the whole thing down a bit, and I ended up having to record them with out their express knowledge. Sue Me.

It turns out that meow, meow, meeeeeeeep means “There are not enough kibble chunks in my bowl” or if there is a slightly longer “ew” sound it means “I really want to go outside”. Meowmeowmeow“ means “my toy is under the oven and I want you to get it so I can put it back again” it depends on the number of syllables in the initial “meow” and whether or not it is preceded by a lift of the chin or a head butt. The language really doesn’t have a lot of words that translate back to human languages directly. Feline is all about body language, theirs. Human body language apparently does not register but our moods do. Odd.


Dog language is a lot more about making statement. Woof (pause) Wof means “I will tear off your head”, while Barkety, Bark, Bark, Bark means “ I know you are somewhere near my house. I want you to step away now. You aren’t going to out run me. I work out” . it is not all warnings, Woofy, Woofy, Mefwoof is “Hi! Hi!Hi!, lets go go,ballll!ball!”


I also learned I was totally mistranslating Wof, squeal, Arrghrr I was going with “Put Me Out Side Right Now”, what it really means is “ I want to dig up the azalea bush in the backyard. I started this morning and I need to finish it”.

If I could just teach them the lyrics to some Animals songs, we could go on tour.