More Letters From My Pets


Dear Feeder,

Nonobaddogthatisnotyours ate your socks. It also chewed your hair things, wet the carpet and chewed up Its bed. The back yard, that should be my yard, smells and is full of odd holes. NoNo is allowed in the yard whenever it wants to. Should I remind you that my ancestors prowled the Serengeti – I should not be banished to the basement to hunt bugs, while Its ancestors lived in caves, much like the basement! and ate my ancestors leftovers.

I should be the one in the back yard! NoNo has a box. It likes the box, it is comfortable in the box. I am comfortable in the back yard. I am useful in the back yard. I kill things. It kills your socks, I kill things, I would kill things if there were things to kill.

It intentionally, scares things out of the back yard. It makes noise and it makes bad smells. I contain what odors I may cause, in the house away from the back yard. Away from the things

It doesn’t even know what to do in the yard. It lays around, it chases round things that are not thing things. It thinks gray fur things are funny. It wants to play with the gray fur things. It has no respect for the natural order of the nature. It has never lived in the nature. I once spent several hours in the nature and I learned from it.

We also need to talk about my name. It is not Kitty-Kitty, Baby Meowmeow, Pooky, Itty Bitty Kitty, Baby Bunny Rabbit, or Tiny Dog . You are not physically equipped to say my name,. I’m not going to answer to your Pet Name. I am my own Cat. I will allow you, if you must, to call me Sir – but with respect. No baby talk.

We also need to discuss my food. My food should cost more then Its food, my food should come in interesting shapes and should taste better then Its food. My food should not have a language you can not speak as its’ primary wording. I will not eat the offal you have been feeding me. In the mean time until you buy me better food, I will work to make sure that the shelves are kept clean and free of objects. I will work all night if necessary, needless to say, I will keep you informed and will update you frequently, because I love you.

Love,
Sir


P.S – I can and will starve myself.




From Dogger


Dear Mama,

The Not Dog makes the house smell. It smells like Not Dog and I make it smell good, like Dog. I did not eat the foot clothes, I played with the foot clothes because it was like playing with you. You are my favorite smell. I want to smell everything that smells like you.

Not Dog does not need to be in the yard. Not Dog can not protect you from the Not You that are around the back yard, I keep those things that are not you away. Even the Not You things that are very small. They are Not You and Not Dog and they can not be good. I want to smell the Not Dog to see what the Not Dog is like. Not Dog will not let me. I need to taste the Not Dog so I can know what Not Dog really is. I will not eat the Not Dog because you got mad and made loud noise when I played with the foot clothes and the foot clothes were not even Not Dog. Also, the last Not Dog thing that I played with tasted bad and made me feel unhappy.

The Not Dog has a name. I have a name, a secret Dog name and I want to tell you, but you are a People . I am sorry. You can call at me any name you want, I like everything you call at me . I can not answer you, because you don’t know my name. Someday you will know my name. You can call at me Daisy.

I love my food. I want to eat more Food. I think you forgot to feed me. Feed me more.



Love,

Daisy


P.S – I love you.