Trick or Treat




Dear AARP,

Dude,

Yo. Thanks for sending me that Membership Registration Information stuff. You are very efficient. It was sharp of you to know that I am a very busy person, very young person who might be too busy to answer your membership letter in a timely manner, or at all.

Due to my busy, youthful lifestyle, I might have put it in a drawer and then forgot about it only to find it many, many years later after I am actually old enough to join and then I can at 2003 rates! That is super nice of you! I’m also pretty sure that you are behind the funeral pre-need post card that I received the other day – again, I am to busy and youthful to really need these things now. I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to file this information away, years and years and years before I actually need it.

It really shows you are on top of things and possibly afraid of losing your job due to inefficiency, someone must have talked to you and now you are really trying to stay on top of things. I also have this personality quirk that causes me to work very slowly on things like this. It can take me years to decide about magazine subscriptions

Membership has its benefits and I’m sure that when I am old enough to join, and let me be clear – I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO JOIN. I mean I’m like, really, really, really too young to join, it’s kind of laughable really. You need to cut back on the meth and take up yoga or tai chi or something else calming. You are really scaring the folks around you. Really. You are about a week away from an intervention.

Look, I eat dinner after it gets dark, I have no clue what is on PAX, I don’t even own a Buick! – I have a working knowledge of programming on The WB! I know what a Mandy Moore is!

To my knowledge I love Lucy is just something that comes on in the afternoon, after Hogan’s Heroes and before My Favorite Martin. Space Ghost Coast to Coast? I know what it is! I will be all over membership but - not for many years. Like decades.

I’m sure that this was a mistake, I know that a few years ago while at college, in a fit of youthful public mindedness, I registered to vote and someone at where ever they deal with that, somebody mis-entered my date of birth. I know that somewhere it is written in an out dated, possibly buggy data bank that I was born in 1952 (according to your in- correct records you obviously bought from some fly by night date of birth salesman) I was not born in 1952. This was a mistake that I had corrected as soon as I discovered it. I was so young a few years ago at college that I was tempted to use my incorrect birth date on my voters registration card to buy beer. I did not use my incorrect voters registration card to buy beer. Honest. Girls didn’t have to buy their own beer.

This isn’t the first time I have had to write you and point out your wrong data. I know how much paper you must deal with - I feel you on that – but even I am not this far behind. As I told you a couple of years ago when we had this same conversation, I am really, too young for your club. Like very. Notice, I use “like” as a modifier.

So to sum up. I not old enough for your service, not now and not soon. Don’t call me again, ever and keep your preneed funeral plan post cards out of my busy, youthful life. I’ll call you as soon as my busy, youthful lifestyle allows.



Peace Out Dawg!