Won’t get Fooled Again

See, it all started because my lunch buddy wussed out on lunch and left me by myself. It was not my fault. If she hadn’t felt it was more important for her to get her hair cut, or get her dog monogrammed or refinance her boat loan or whatever lame reason she came up with, it wouldn’t have happened. It’s on her.

It started off very well. I remembered I needed Dogger and Kitty food and I have a Sams™ card...

I get the Dogger food. 52 pounds of Dogger food and the considerably lighter Kitty food and I’m maneuvering the cart around and mulling over the statistical chances of the Drug Dealers customers being parked in front of my drive way every time I bring home Dogger food, and carrying on a little inner dialogue with myself

I need that! That is sooo cute! And it’s cheap!
No. You need that like another hole in the head. It is not that cute and since you don’t need it, it really isn’t cheap.

I know who wants this! This is perfect! And I get two of them! Kewl!
No, no they don’t. That would be tacky. And they do not want one they certainly do not want two. Move on.

That I do need. I have needed one of those.
No

Then I heard it. The magic word. FREE. I am the cheapest woman on the planet. The only thing better then “Free” is a Kohl’s sale. I wasn’t at Kohl’s so “free’ was going to be as good as it was going to get. They made the announcement again.

Attention Members! There is a FREE knife available for all Members in the building. Go to the Red Table to the Right of the building and pick up your FREE knife

I didn’t even think about the consequences of free knives in the hands of all the members. I just heard the FREE part. I was intrigued.

Intrigued in a “Where is the red area and what side of this cavern is the right side?! Gimme my FREE knife!” way, so I made my way, coolly to where I sussed out was the Right side. I tried to be chill about this. I didn’t want to attract attention of the other Members who might have been to into their own inner dialogues to process the FREE knife message. I skulked around the Khristian Self Help book section. So far, so good. I was the only person paying attention! But at the same time. I am not seeing FREE knives. There isn’t even anyone Official and FREE knife-y warming up around the Red Area. I had to look at a lot of Khristian Self Help titles before I started to see a group forming about a dead eyed guy standing on a box in the Red Area.

At Last! FREE knives!

Somewhere along the line it has been explained to me that There is no free lunch. I know that. This was a FREE knife.

I join the crowd. All ready the guy has started his spiel. I bet he starts this spiel in his sleep. I bet his wife owns many, many FREE knives. He goes on to tell us in order to get our FREE knife we are going to have to hear his presentation. Okay , no free lunch. Listen to his deal, pocket the knife and get out.

To make a long story shorter. I got my FREE knife and several other knives and a Euro Chopper. Not free. Not even kinda. Me? Stoooopid, Them? Richer.

And the Euro Chopper? Not Euro and not a Chopper. A masher maybe, a Chopper? Not even in my dreams. If someone offers you a FREE knife? Keep in mind, the whole There – Is – No – Free – Lunch thing, There – Are - No - FREE - Knives either.