Better Living Through Letting The Other Guys Do All The Work


I think I’ve decided what I want. I don’t want to have to paint my own walls or deal with clean up. I want to live on a home improvement show!

Everything is so neat and tidy in those worlds. The walls get painted, the wood work gets done and there is isn’t a drop of stray paint anywhere. Their clothes are even more or less clean. They aren’t walking smurfs or white haired before their time. They glow. They just wander around watching the show’s elves do all the real work. Sure, the host may come by once ain a while and whine about getting stuff done, what a fake out, all that created drama - Of Course It’s Going To Get Done! It’s the whole point of the show, everything gets done,. No one spends the better part of a week with a damp dresser in the middle of their living room or have their basement full of even damper dresser drawers. If they are ever put out, they are put out “cute”. Bastards..

In also want a band of elves to do most of my work for me. I mean, I would some of it, the cute parts of it, the easy eye level work, no bending down. I might even use a step stool if the paint was thick and not likely to drip down my arm or get in my eyes. I hate that. I also think having a designer on site would be good too, I pick colors fairly well, but I am lost with furniture placement and fabric choice. I think the elves could also take stuff back to the home improvement store for me too. I think I should eat lunch over lunch. The elves would live for returning stuff to the store.

It would also be nice to have a lot of people around, people who could stay up late and finish all the jobs for me so I could sleep. I think the elves could also clean the brushes and deal with the paint pans too. The elves could also be responsible for supplying me with clothes that I could just throw away after I was finished for the day. I don’t like ruining my clothing. There are only many paint shirts one girl needs.

Where was Paint Shirt One? Paint Shirt One is hidden somewhere in one of my closets, safely away from the paint. Paint Shirt One is very sensitive to color and seems to prefer the richer colors, light blue would have made it depressed. I’m sure it is very sad it missed the stain experience, brown is such a rich color. And so stain-y so permanent in nature, so hard to get out. Paint Shirt Two is going to kick Paint Shirt One’s ass. Paint Shirt One is going to be all “Sheeeeit, you don’t know from stained until you have had bright red oil based exterior grade paint splashed all over you, you don’t know from stain. and then Paint Shirt Two is going to be all Red? Red is an okay color, with red you score a Halloween costume, splashed red paint is nothing. Brown Stain is mush worse, brown is just nasty.

My clothing and I are no longer on speaking terms, I need What Not To Wear to stage an intervention.