Blue Velvet pt. 2 – Blue Twill

After I baked enough dog cookies over the weekend to make Purina executives wake up and wonder what happened to their market share, I had to get out of the house. Sadly, when I finished the cookiepalooza it was pouring rain and 33 degrees outside. I couldn’t leave the house until Sunday. I awoke to blinding sunshine and 30 mile an hour gusts of wind. I imagine it would be like being in a room with Paris Hilton, pretty but chilling, okay, it wasn’t that cold, my very soul wasn’t frozen by exposure to the wind so it wasn’t quite as bad as I would assume, exposure to Paris Hilton would be... I was also looking forward to being able to wear a coat inside and not look like a weirdo. Walking around a store with your coat on? Fine, walking around your house with a coat on? Issues !. I was just tired talking to the animals.

If I was going to go out I needed more of a reason then the fact that the animals and I had run out of things to talk about. I needed a real reason to go out. Money was going to be spent and I wanted to have a plan. I had to think. Did I need more chocolate covered donuts? Probably not. I mean, I wanted more chocolate covered donuts but I didn’t really need more. I finally settled on needing blue slacks. Remember, many moons ago when I searched the world over for black pants and I couldn’t find them to save my life? today there are black slacks stacked to the ceiling in the stores, I find them under the refrigerator and breeding in the basement. Blue slacks? Not so much. I have a pair of blue slacks but they were cheap and they were past their expiration date. The cheaper or more over priced an article of clothing is, the sooner you’ll have to replace it, try it out, it’s the truth. The extremes will kill you.

I decided to start my search after church (also, very cold inside). I thought I would try Wal-Mart first since there is one close to my house and I can buy cheap gas there. I needed cheap pant for me and cheap gas for the car and I thought it would be a good way to kill two birds with one stone, or one credit card but the “two bird’s one stone” sounds much nicer than “putting two more charges on my credit card”. Anyway, I got to the Wal-Mart; they don’t have any blue slacks. They had blue elastic waste jobbers, blue sweat pants and blue clam diggers. All of the above for sizes 20 and up. No petites, which I can’t wear either, nothing for any one who isn’t either big boneded or knocked up. Yeah, they had blue slacks for pregnant girls, fat girls, very fat girls, morbidly obese girls – nothing for this girl. I weigh more then I did in high school, but not that much more,and I think I should be able to find cheap Wal-Mart quality clothes too. In Wal-Marts view of the world, their female customers can’t wear clothes with out elastic waistbands and everyone who shops with them are right wing reactionaries hell bent on protecting their chillrins from Jon Stewart and The Daily Show. They don’t want to sell things to me because I can still button my pants and I vote blue. Wal-Mart doesn't think I deserve blue slacks.

So. I tried Target, further from home, cleaner, with better quality, smaller sizes – no still blue slacks! Has someone started a blue twill draft? Is this a sign of things to come? Then it was off to K-Mart. Horrible. Terrible, place. Awful. Made Wal-Mart look like Nieman Marcus – but, they had one pair of blue slacks in my size, I had finally found the prodigal blue slacks! I then took us both home we both had showers to scrub clean the residual K-Mart related scuzz from us, sadly, my psyche was scarred, and no amount of scrubbing would remove the K-Martness. Martha Stewart worked for these people? Was she in charge of housekeeping? ‘cause, ya know they need to fill that position pronto. The K-Mart I went to was the “nice” K-Mart, I don’t even wanna think about the condition of the other K-Mart I stopped going to months ago because it was too gross then. Ew.