Dear Sam’s Club,

If that’s your real name… See, the suspicion? It burns.

I went to your store today, I mean I am assuming it was your store, but that with Identity theft being such a problem these day, it could have been almost anyone's. I blame the internets. I chose your establishment because I could both buy gas for my car and pizza for my lunch at the same place!, I thought How Neat!

Well, I dutifully flashed my membership card to the young lady at the door. I could have flashed my library card at her as much as she cared, but that is beside the point. She didn’t even notice that I walked past a display of plasma screen TVs and didn’t steal any of them.

And then I walked past a huge display of valentines candy and while no one was looking, I didn’t steal any.

I decided to eat lunch first so as to not have gasoline on my hands while I was eating. I’m really into the science of scentology and I know it’s not a scent that facilitates digestion. So, I went to your Bistro and bought a slice of pizza and a soft drink, I paid for it with my Sam’s Club credit card. The counter help gave me my recipt and I found a seat, I mean not everyone lives to ponder the circle of life where you can have cheese pizza and tires sold in the same building. What came first the tire or the cheese, they are both made from the same petroleum based products... Boy were there a lot of empty seats! I had to get up and get a napkin because the pizza was a little greasy – have you thought about selling your excess grease? Does your store do lube jobs? or would the public have to buy those in bulk too? Perhaps marketing towards fleets? Just a suggestion!

I finished my meal and prepared to leave the store. I walked past a huge display of deodorant and while no one was watching, I didn’t steal any.

I was at the door when it struck me that my receipt at become adhered to my napkin and was accidentally thrown away! I felt just awful about it and told the gal at the door right off.

She contacted her manager and the manager took my Sam’s Card.

And I stood there.
And I stood there.
And I stood there.
And I stood there.

I was begin to feel a little bit like I had done something very wrong. They were assuming I would steal from them.

The manager had my card and he had been gone a very long time. I began to wonder what he was doing tapping away at his computer.

And I stood there.
And I stood there.
And I stood there.
And I stood there

And I finally went to his computer and while no one was looking I did not steal their credit card machine

I went to remind him that like Old Glory, I was still there.

He smirked at me. At Me! Old Glory!

He said he was printing out a new receipt for me. I told him I didn’t want my receipt, I wanted to go back to work. He said the gal would ask for it.

I walked back to the door and while no one was looking, did not steal their suggestion box.

The gal looked embarrassed. The only one demanding to see my receipt was him. Anyway, I just wanted to write and share with you a new marketing slogan:

Sam’s Club - Where making you feel small is our business.

Yours Truly,