Girl looks like a Lady

Pwetty, ohhhh! Shiny… I’m sorry; I was totally distracted by the luster and glammer of my nails.

I decided to get them “done” for the baptism. It’s been a while, oh, I don’t know twelve years since I’ve had them professionally painted. They are all shiny now and reflective and I keep trying to see myself in them, but I can't, not really.

After the ceremony I wanted to say “Well, I can’t walk in heels and managed to walk right out of those shoes walking up the stairs to the alter (Does that sound hugely embarrassing? Yes, yes it was! And was this all captured on tape? Yes, yes it was!) . I may look like a total loser but my look how great my nails are!”.

I had the nails of a woman who could not only walk in heels but who also climb stairs in them! And would have never experienced a shoe related mishap. Ever. I walked up to the alter with the nails of a woman who would never buy discount shoes on sale. I walked up to the alter with the nails of a woman wearing Jimmy Chew shoes. Sadly, that woman’s nails were attached to my hands and I wasn't wearing Jimmy Chews.

Shiny, shiny! Prwetty

I think you have to pay more for the truly mirror like finish, but still. I would paint my nails myself, probably more frequently than my once every twelve year schedule that I have been working on, but I suck at it. Not just kind of suck, I mean really, really suck. A three year old would do a better job. A three year child with pink fingernail polish all over their hands and face and clothes and walls and the cat… It’s cute. An issue for your insurance to resolve, but cute. When a grown adult woman can’t put polish on her nails without ending up looking like some sort of Circ de Soloa wannabe, it’s just sad.

Oh, so smoooooth…

Oh, wait, sorry. I had to pet my nails for a second.

All of a sudden I’m noticing my fingers. I spent the weekend with them splayed out on table tops because I was so entranced by their shiny newness and their sudden, tragic fragileness. All it takes is single bad idea and they aren’t perfect anymore and polished nails are all about perfection. I know now why they say ladies don’t drink out of cans. It’s not that ladies shouldn’t drink out of cans, it’s because they can’t open those cans. Those pop tops play havoc on your manicure! I’ve opened hundreds of cans but all of a sudden I had to think about it and I was like Oh my gawd! This is totally going to mess with my nails! Damn.. I was goingto ask for assistance but I was afraid that suddenly setting back the woman's movement by 25 years would cause waves. I don’t really want to get a pissy cease and desist letter from Ms. magazine or a pissy letter of congratulations from the Eagle Forum.

I wonder if I was trying to open a diet coke would the pop top have been more manicure friendly. Maybe they come with a wider pop top or a springier release? Or padding? Or something? I don’t it’s too much to expect. If they can make huge buttons in Dodge trucks to serve guys wearing work gloves, they can make better pop tops for woman wearing nail polish.

While I am really enjoying the new shiny state of my nails I also want to start picking on the polish. I mean, really I want to peel it off in sheets . The longer my nails are covered the more I am beginning to relate to my shiny overlords like they are a particularly insidious form of band aid.

You know the good thing about having your nails painted a really dark color? If you happen to get dirt under your nails? It’s invisible! I mean, not that I have dirt under my nails at present, but it’s an interesting solution. Perhaps during spring planting season I will visit the manicurist again…