Live Earth

Did ya’ll watch? Do you know if you didn’t watch that you most likely stomp on baby rabbits or at the very least, shoot old men in the face - At least that’s what Move On told me in so many words in the many emails they sent me to remind me it was happening and that I should really go to a watching party properly get the whole Live Earth Experience.

Whatever.

I’m trying to go on vacation next week and I have things to do. Shoes to buy, for instance. My first stop was my favorite shoe store. It turns out the place you can buy strappy sandals is not the first place to look for hiking boots, the closest I found was a pair of hiking flip flops. Cute, but no sale. Moving on.

Then I went to REI. Hiking Boot Central. If you have a need, they have the shoe. Do you want to ride your bike to the wilderness and then hike? They have the shoe. What hemisphere will you be doing your hiking in? It matters. Is it a cool environment? How much rainfall do they average? Will you be using primarily existing trails or will you be going cross country? It matters! Are you foreseeing yourself using rocks or downed trees to cross streams? It matters. Will you be in desert environment? Sand stone or basalt? It matters. Will you be hiking around any active volcano ranges? Or are you planning on taking on the ice shelf? It matters! Remember, take only photo’s leave on foot prints! Going to Europe? Former Soviet Block or Western? It matters! . They have the hiking boot for you. It will cost you $289, but they have you covered. Sadly, while they may have you covered, I’m not spending $289 on a pair of glorified sneakers. It doesn’t matter that much. Very inspirational, but no sale. Moving on.

Do you know why they call Dicks Sporting Goods “Dicks”? Because signs saying “It’s a Man’s, Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World” would be really, expensive and they might get sued by Tom Jones, and if they called it “Excentuate Your Penis!”, they might run into community decency issues. So they just called it “Dicks”. I think “The He-Man Woman Haters Club” was all ready taken. Pity.

Everyone was having sales. The problem I was having is that I define “on sale” differently then the average retailer. If something is still in the triple digits, in my mind it is not on sale. However, after spending a very depressing hour at REI learning that not only am I poor but I am also lazy, I was somewhat cheered by the Dicks sale table.

I decided on my on sale shoes and went to see if they had anything else on clearance I wanted. REI had thoughtfully put a pair of pants I had really wanted on sale so I wouldn’t have to leave the store empty handed. Dicks also had a pair of pants I needed as well. I am going on vacation, I need pants. Wilderness pants! and I need two pair. The REI pants can be converted to shorts and they act as a sun screen, the Dicks pants also act as sunscreen but they don't convert to shorts, you know for those I-don’t-want-the-option-of-wearing- shorts days.

After wandering the store it became clear that “Dicks” isn’t called “Dicks” after some guy named “Dick”. “Dicks” is named “Dicks” because that is what they cater to. The shoe department was the entire back wall of the store, the women’s shoe section was about 1/8th of the total - And yet we have 51% of the feet? The women’s shoes, all five of them, were pink, pink and white or pink and orange and most of them were under “Life Style” shoes, they had three pairs under “Outdoors”, including my on sale shoes, brown and blue, thank you very much. Next season they will be pink.

And then I came home and watched Live Earth. Almost all of it. Madonna wore the same dress to perform in that I wore to my reunion, infact almost all the women seemed to be dressed for a cocktail party. The Police should have made a citizens arrest and thrown that jackass Kanya West off their stage.