I got “the cold”. I feel so trendy. I feel like head is full of water and my nose has a steady leak. And sneezing? I forgot about sneezing. I must have blocked the experience because I can’t see how I would have otherwise managed to put the function out of my head - Everything is now trying to get out of my head., I know this because I stole a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom and it is almost gone.

The housekeeping ladies come to my office in little paper bunny suits – its’ not just me, my whole hall sounds like a TB ward, a ward of non-compliant TB patients. Yuck.

I got “the cold” from Tiny E. She and her cute little baby germs. Sweet, lovey, chubby little baby germs! So cute! See, a full grown person had a nasty cold there would be no way you would allow them anywhere near you. You would just politely tell them if they needed you that they know you email address and that you would prefer for any communication to be handled that way for the time being or they could call you or text! They could text you instead of infecting you.

You see the baby. You are drawn to the baby. You want to eat that baby up!. The baby's mother warns you not to eat her baby because her baby has a cold and you say to the baby Do you have a cold? Does babywaby have a cold? Cough for me, cough, cough! and the baby dutiful coughs in your face and you say That is the cutest cough ever! The baby goes cough, cough! Look at the baby go cough, cough! amd then the baby sneezes on you and you say to the baby's Mother OMG! that was so sweet! Does the baby have your sneeze or Daddys? Whose sneeze does she have? - Because you know, sneeze style is inherited like a big nose or too small ears.

And a few days later you wake up and want to die. Baby germs are the strongest germs per square inch of any germ. Look it up. If an adult blew a snot bubble in your face you would, you know, glove up and kill them. If a baby blows a snot bubble in your face, you would , you know, laugh and applaud, and then maybe , if there was some handy, maybe use some antibacterial hand wash. On your hands. Feet from the actual snot bubble.

If a grown up coughs two inches from your nose, they had better be allergic to your perfume because if they are infected with something and they cough in your airspace like that, it is permissible to throw them from the roof, it is , you can. It was passed during the SARS hysteria: If you have flu like symptoms and you cough in public without covering your mouth – You can be executed . Any anyone can do it, it’s like a citizens arrest. You have some sort of upper respiratory infection and you cough in my airspace as defined by individual municipalities, in NYC if you cough on the subway and fail to take precautions? Bernie Getz, I kid you not. If you cough on someone in Idaho? The affected individuals can plow you under. Really, in Vermont? The going rate for spreading “the cold” is being buried in a snow drift.

But a baby?, No one is going to get mad at a baby!. it doesn’t matter that they produce some of the most densely packed germs on earth, and due to the fact that most babies today are born with colds – Go to a Day Care and find one child without a cold. Try to find one. They all have colds. And it’s the same cold, they all have the same cold! They give it to each other, then their parents get it and their school age siblings get it and they pass it to their teachers who pass it to their husband who gives it to you when you press the elevator button after him.

It’s a control thing. They can’t talk, they can’t read and they don't drive but they have germs and they know how to use them.