Hanging on


I’m not ready to let her go. I thought I was, but I’m not ready.

The surgery is not an option. If I win the lottery, then Sure! Lets do this thing!- but I don’t play the lottery. I am going to do nothing. Dogger and I are going to go the Conservative Approach or as it is popularly known, Let Go and Let God. Dogger and I are going to let nature takes it’s course. And I'm going to pray. A lot.

I had Made The Decision. And I felt good about it, I looked at how she was when I brought her back from the vets office and how she really went down hill as the evening went on. I thought is this it? Is this what it is going to be like? Watching her lie there and rot? She would not go outside, she would not void. She was unhappy. I was unhappy. I cried a lot. We were unhappy. I looked at how she was and I would not make her live like this.

I told my family and I called my vet. I even alerted my boss that I was going to need time off.

On Friday instead of Dogger and I seeing my parents and going to the beach, my parents were going to come up here to see Dogger and say goodbye. A long time ago I “wrote” tiny little doggy and kitty DNRs for my animals, there would be no heroics no artificial support. When my animals were ready I would listen and I would do my job as the Human and I would be humane, which I believe is guaranteeing a death with dignity and a life as pain free as possible. I promised both of my animals that when the came into my life, that I would take care of them for the rest of their lives.

It also means, if it comes down to it, deciding when that will be. It’s a serious responsibility, to be Gawd for your animal. Oh sure they’re cute when they’re all little and healthy but what about when that puppy or kitten becomes chronically ill? Or suffers a debilitating injury? Sure, for $2000 you can “fix” it but does your pet want to be crippled? Will they understand the sickness that comes with chemo or the pain that comes with rehab? Are you a hero for giving the animal more time or a monster for demanding more time?

If you are lucky your pet will age gracefully and pass on in their sleep. Terrible, yes, but natural and painless. But what if that doesn't happen?  Yea! Your pet is 17! blind, deaf and paralyzed, but Woo! 17 years old! When is it enough? It’s is the quality of their life or quantity of their life that is important to you?

I was ready to let Dogger go. But. A day later and she was smiling at me. She voluntarily went outside. She figured out which steps are the easiest for her to navigate. One day of practice and she is hopping around much more gracefully. I want to give Dogger time to heal, it’s not going to be fun. I doubt she’s going to love it. Am I being a monster for demanding that she spend the next six weeks effectively bed-fast? Am I subverting nature? But see, I’ve already suborned nature with both animals. They are both all ready medicated for conditions that would kill them if they didn’t take meds every day for the rest of their lives. They did not get to vote on this.

Dogger and I are going to take it one day at a time, she is on a strict diet and more or less crate-fast. For my part,  instead of my daily dog walk, I’m going to pull out my  bike and as I peddle along every day I’m going to pray that I can put my bike away again and go back to walking my dog. Pray for Dogger.