Up your nose with a rubber hose

I spent entirely too much time this weekend fighting with hoses and hose attachments.  First I tried to reason with them then I moved on to force and then I was moved to consider surgical intervention. They sell all sorts of ways to repair your injured hose but ask me if they sell a way to repair my hose? No they do not. To make my hose fixable I would have to sever its head. I'm not sure how I feel about playing Madam Defarge.

The first hose problem isn't really the hose as much as it is the damn spray nozzle attached to the hose. The hose works well, no leakage no dripping no behaviors that cause me to become hosacidal. Very good. The only issue with Good Hose is that it kinks, badly - but I have learned to deal with its kinks. We all have kinks.

I did badly by the hose though, last fall instead of taking it downstairs to spend the winter like I have in the past, I cruelly and in retrospect stupidly heaved it on the roof of the shed and let it winter there. In the snow but really you can't plan for all eventualities, it was not actually snowing at the time. I thought it needed the alone time, maybe get to know Good Hose better...

It is working out its issues with me by hanging on to its broken spray nozzle. In my defence, it was broken last fall and I blame that on my lack of consideration for the hose  last fall, I felt betrayed. I had kind of hoped that the winter might be good for it in some way but sadly it did not bring the healing it might have, had it spent the winter in the hole.

I replaced evil nozzle with new and improved nozzle. I am pleased with new and improved nozzle.

Anyway. I fought with it too much and then I decided to go with Hose #2 - A hose I haven't used in two years and I couldn't remember why. I figured if it was a hopeless loss that I would have gotten rid of it - But I didn't, so I could just put it back into rotation and that would show that other hose that I could live without it, thank you very much. And then I plugged it in. New Nozzle worked well, old hose was a bitch.

It doesn't seal. You attach it to the spigot and the water pours out of all available places that water could pour from and after I tried to tighten it and hurt my hand and it didn't get better but got worse! I'm not sure any of the water actually makes it into the hose. So I said "Okay. I'll really tighten this down!"  that didn't work and I hurt my hand. So I said "I'll go get one of my jar open-er thingies and I'll just get this taken care of" and that didn't work and I hurt my hand. So I said  "Fine. I'll go out and get an attachment thing and that will fix this problem" so I went and got a new connection thingy and attached it to the spigot and the water flowed and I hurt my hand.

I threw things with my hurt hand.

So  I said fuck off and die! to Good  Hose and die in a fire! to Bad Hose . They sell hoses in the store you know. Cheaply, and today, you can buy hoses that are not green. Today I bought a yellow hose.