Friday, March 4, 2016


People have a lot of theories why animals don't speak. They will talk about physiological issues, structure, evolution,  spiritual theory about their deep thoughts that were not granted speech because of their intimate knowledge of God and nature and things we just aren't ready for.

Most of it is bull shit. If they could talk to us it wouldn't be about God and nature and stuff we aren't ready for, it would be endless questions about food and when they are going to get food and when they can get more food and can they  have your food. What food they like the most, what food they don't need to eat more of and their position on grass as a wonder drug.

 And then if they have not been neutered, they would also talk about what they could hump and how often they could hump it and when they could hump it again. I imagine and unfixed dog of either sex would talk about sex a lot. And it would get pretty steamy and NSFW. I bet though it would end up with a lot more dogs getting fixed because no one wants to hear their family cocker spaniel talk about the dog park over and over or about that time they humped that cat because it was disrespectful.

I bet they would also have some pretty interesting things to say about power though and how to get it and keep it. How to best utilize it and to  how and when to make the other guy pee the floor. When you need to roll over and when you should lunge. I bet dogs would be amazing negotiators and would never leave money on the table - not that they care about money, but whatever the dog equivalent would be. Tennis balls! They would never leave tennis balls on the table.

And when they were not talking about food or sex, or power, they would talk a lot about chewing things. What to chew, how long to chew it, what to chew on next. I think they could get very deep very fast about what is and what is not a toy. Hours, and hours of  deep philosophical lectures, often at 3am! on Toy or Not Toy, and then when they have established what is a toy, they would start on the toys texture and structure, rubber vs plastic vs raw hide... Really, really boring and this would go on for hours.

And when they were not going on and on about humping or food or toys they would be asking to go OUT and then in and then out AGAIN and then back in and then back out. They would go out and pee and then come back inside and then ten minutes later beg to out again and then do some more and then go yet, again. It has to be three separate trips instead of a single trip and it needs to be raining and cold too.

So, in conclusion. They don't talk because they would just sound dull witted and annoying and we wouldn't respect them. So they are silent and we think it's because their deep and we respect them because  we assume their heads are full  spirituality  and deep ideas and solutions and that they are  in touch with nature and God and meaningful themes and wise beyond all telling.

But they would also talk about us, because who has such access to us? Who else cares this much about us? They know everything about us and of course they would want to talk to us about us. How important we are, all five zillion things we do that they find fascinating,  how much they love us, and how important we are to them, and how smart they think we are and how they would do anything for us.

There are days I would like to hear what my dog has to say,

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