Does my act look fat?

I was going through some papers and I ran across the text to my "act" that I did for stand up a thousand years ago. I did some editing of the original, as there were parts that didn't work then and still didn't today. There were some other sections that became some what dated. Or embarressed me. I also changed the tense used.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I am the only person turned down for employment at burger King due to over qualification. At least it was original. Most places saw two years at a Jack In The Box as a lack of ambition on my part. I saw it has doctoral work for my fast food PhD. I finally did get a job; I worked at a movie theatre.

Sound like fun? For about a week. It was a great job for people watching. Watching people be dumb. People waited in line for like a year. I didn't care I was always at the front of the line. And so all the time they had to stand in line they stared at the menu - it's wasn't our menu. The first thing they would do is order something we didn't have - like spaghetti or something with a shelf life of under three years and after they did decided on something we did have, they couldn't find their money. I always got the lady with the "Oh, just one second, I'm sure I have exact change" bullshit. She would stand their for twenty minutes going through her purse, other wise known as the national archives and she has all her shit all over my counter and no exact change. At this point she would cheerfully hand me a twenty. I learned to hate people.

I worked at a very high-class movie theatre. When customers approach the concession they asked for our wine list. We didn't serve alcohol, but any chance to whine at people paying more for popcorn they I made an hour. ( No kidding. One of the guys figured out that we would all have to work 90 hours a week every week to just met the Federal poverty level. My friends at school worked Summer Stock while I worked at a Movie Industry gulog)

While I was in college I lived in the dorms. When my last roommate moved out she took the refrigerator, the TV, my Boyfriend. She did not take the answering machine. She claimed I would clash with her new roommates color scheme. I gave the obscene callers someone to talk to. It beat my real social life all to hell.( I had eight room mates in the three years I was dormbound. Bu number eight I didn't bother to learn their names anymore. They became explainations " Borrows stuff with out asking", Dates the Rugby Team", Does Not Speak English"

When you are seeing someone your girl friends do not want to here about what a good guy he is. No one exchanges "my boyfriend is so wonderful because" stories. It's all about what a bitch his last girl friend is, how awful his friends are, how high his bail was…
I was seeing this guy, I saw him playing with his computer. If the relationship had been a move it would have been Nightmare on Elm Street part Duh - Jason Got an IBM! ( I gave him such grief, I spend more time on the computer now then he ever did)

Do you remember when they were programming cars that "talked" to you? Do you think when they made them for deaf people that they came with a guy who signed for them? "Fasten Your Seat belt", "your lights are on", " that asshole just cut you off" ( this worked better in front of a audience)

You know what I want? I want to be a character on a soap opera. I want to wake up looking like I've spent hours in hair and makeup. I want to be a high-powered executive at a job I never have to show up to or work at. I kind of like the idea of children leaving the room until they're old enough for their own plot lines ...can't you just see it. Sitting by the pool reminiscing about teaching little Cousin Timmy to swim at this very pool not so long ago, like last weekend and you spot the hunky new life guard. Minutes later when you and hunky life guard have slunk away behind the cabaña and just as you're about to check out each others tan lines... ( the score swells darkly in the background) - "Aunt Fedora! " "Timmy" you rush away, trip, crack your head open and wake up several weeks later as a different actress ( who has spent ours in hair and makeup). You see Timmy, now 29 and chief of Comotology at Lakeriver Bay General Memorial Community and he is introduceing you to your log lost daughter, sullen teen Blue Bell. Life is good.