Thursday, January 13, 2011

Cold Snapping

Dogger is trying very hard to make me feel bad.

She wants to go for a walk right now. I do not want to go for a walk right now. I'm warmish right now and if I go for a walk I will become cold and no ish about it. I would rather stay inside where my afghan lives. Besides, when I am outside and swathed in layers of layers, I can't see, I can barely hear and I look like a manatee.

I like to spend as little time as a manatee as I can so I am not going to take Dogger for a walk right now. I will take her for a walk but not right now - soon, most likely within the next hour but right now I would rather not. I will have to start getting dressed right now and it takes a while to get fully outfitted for a trip outside.

First I put on my first layer muffler, then my coat - the big one the full length down filled one, not the relatively lighter weight, hip length ski parka one,I save that for "warm" days.  Then I put on my fur lined aviator hat, its a designer job I got at a discount place because it was cut incorrectly and it makes the wearer look like a chipmunk with half a case of mumps - Bred by Pierre Cardin, no less. A mumps infected chipmunk with warm ears but a chipmunk with half a case of monks. Not adorable.

Then I apply my outer layer muffler, this I wrap around face as so protect my  exposed nose and chin, sometimes this layer makes me nauseous - but I would rather be queasy than cold. Then I button the button at the bottom of the coat then I put on my micro-fleece gloves then I fetch the dog - who at this point must also function as a seeing eye dog as I can not turn my head and I can pretty much only through the narrow band not covered by a  scarf. I think I look like the Michelin Mans' frumpy old aunt or a fat manatee. I don't think manatees wear scarfs. But if they did, I would look like one.

I think what I really want though is one of those bank robber ski-mask things. Those look very warm, but the question is, do you wear your glasses over or under the mask? I fear a high potential for smudges or even more annoying, would it makes my glasses fog up? I hate that.

All of this in addition to my street clothes and the layering there in plus I have a pair of ski pants that take the place of sweat pants for around the house lounge wear this time of year. I'm sure there are easier ways to accomplish not freezing to death but I have very thin blood and I do not tolerate this weather at all well.  At night I sleep in so many layers and under such heavy blankets that I have had to lay down the law about liquids after 9pm! 

Dogger finally gave up on her whining. She has retreated to her futon where she is practicing looking pathetic and unloved while my back is turned. It would be more believable if she wasn't  trying to look unloved while rehearsing on sheets with higher thread count than I have on my own bed.

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