Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Happy February 2!

Have you ever wondered why they don't offer flour flavored snacks? Because it tastes like chalk . I made some chalk flavored muffins and I don't know what to do with them - I would eat them but I don't hate myself that much and if I was to suck it up and eat them I fear I might just give up on food all together - Which come to think of it, with summer approaching might not be all that bad an idea...

Yeah. No. I don't want to throw them away because that would be wasteful and wrong. I can't throw away food. My next thought was "I could feed these to the ducks! Ducks like bread! I could totally feed them to ducks and not feel bad about it"  and then I thought, there isn't any water around here and I don't think I have ever seen a duck in these parts, once on a walk I ran across a man who had just been traumatized by a huge owl, but no duck sightings.

I would put the bread out for the squirrels but if you're feeding the squirrels you are also feeding the rats and the cockroaches and I would like to live in a world where all the rats and all the cockroaches have starved to death. Sure, people would probably insist on writing sad chanteys about how tragic it is that all the rats and cockroaches are gone, but they would be promptly beaten to death with their own banjos and we would sing songs about happiness and bunny rabbits instead.
Where ever the muffins go, they aren't going to stay here. I do put a little food outside for the cats but its with the understanding that it is a bribe I give them for killing rats, Like me!  Like me! Kill rats to please me! leave rats on my door step, I won't mind! .  In the winter time they seem to do less hunting, but come summer, they are regular mass murderers. Big Gray kitty, Jojo,  takes down full grown squirrels and roof rats - which is like saying "really big rats and really big rats", the smaller kitty seems to have concentrated his early efforts on small rats and voles - which is like saying "small rats and small rats".

I know from rats. Before this area got all gentrified it was ghettofied.  I had  a dead rat problem in my yard due to a neighbors alive rat problem in their house. I called the city to complain about my dead rats and was told You got dead rats in your yard? You got a problem. The city of Raleigh ain't got no problem. Thank you for calling!.  There is no vector control in Raleigh.
Speaking of rats. Today is Groundhog Day! Its up to him to let us know if we should just all kill ourselves now of if there is hope that this winter will end. In my mind today for Mr. Really Big Rat Groundhog,  is really kind of about whether he gets to live another year or if he gets turned into a zesty meat pie.

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