Art House Envy

I went to the movies over the weekend. At Night when movie theatres charge you more for a single ticket then the kid who sells you the ticket makes an hour, and to add an extra dollar to the evening, I went to an Art House. These are theaters that try to make up for the fact that only eleven people world wide are actually going to see this movie, by charging twice what it would cost in a regular theatre ,and by kindly making available very expensive cookies and flavored teas, ‘cause they are so Arty. The floor is still sticky and the bathrooms are unspeakable. Unspeakably arty.

The movie theatre I spent most of my Movie Theater career at had a theater or “house” set aside for “art films”, usually they were films made in Briton that were too terrible to air on the BBC channels and so were sold to the US market as Art Films. Object of Beauty was sold as an Art Film. John Malkovich and Andi McDowell and a statuette of indeterminate origin. I believe that the statuette was nominated for its role.

When I was working Movie Theater the various area chains had a deal worked out that let employees from one chain go to another chain to watch movies for free. Not the good movies, and only after so long that if you really wanted to see the movie ( or there was some threat that it may end up at your theatre, there is nothing worse then having to watch a movie at your own theater) you would have all ready paid to see it anyway, but, you could go free if you were willing to wait and weren’t really picky.

I hated the Art House employees. They were so snotty about their theatre. They showed Cinema, they had foreign language films, Classics; They didn’t wear bow ties or sell milk duds or coke, or work for an evil corporate chain they wore black tee shirts and sold British candies and designer popcorn and fancy coffees and belonged to a co-op . Bastards.

When they wanted to see 101 Dalmatians for free, they certainly got over their evil corporate chain issues and into line to buy milk duds and coke fast enough. Hypocritical bow tie bigots.

And I don’t even want to go into the distaste that employees of dollar shows were held in - Eww, Old - er movies! Bad prints! Ewww. Video store clerks were even lower on the food chain because their movies were little the actors shrunken, the stories withered. Sloppy seconds. They were Movie Pimps.

But I loved the art houses. They were pretty and yellowed. They had a café and sold beer. They had Casablanca on the big screen. They had practical curtains across the screens!. So much cooler then my mall bound theater. Their patrons were also better then our patrons. They didn’t come dragging sticky children or endlessly ask for change for the video games. They had smart people who had intelligent discussions about the characters motivations and the cinematography and comparing and contrasting this film with the directors earlier works in Rumania. They did not hang around the video games afterwards and talk about whether or not they saw that girls tit in when they were in the hot tub with the golden retriever.

They didn’t have to sell Disney™ toys for movies they didn’t even have, or pretend they thought that that Tom Hanks movie with that dog was anything more then a waste of good film stock. I bet they never got yelled at by rednecks who didn’t understand the concept of Tax or chased twelve year olds out of Truth or Dare.

They probably had long, interesting conversations with film students and Cinema Buffs, they probably had time to watch their own movies, and they probably never smelled like popcorn drink syrup I bet they never slipped on spilled popcorn topping during a rush, because they never got huge crowds or big movies. How dare they hate their jobs as much as we did. No Bow Tie wearing bastards probably got paid more too.


Go See Lost In Translation!!!!

Housing Authority

I’m fully expecting the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to come bounding in and to tell me to stand aside and bring out the guy who really lives here, as only the home of a straight man could be this big of a pig sty. They wouldn’t believe that it belongs to a straight woman even as I point out the florals and cat figurines. I need to clean this place up.

It doesn’t help that both Cat and Dogger think that tearing up paper is a good way to pass the time. I have tried to remind both of them that they both have many expensive, especially designed cat and dog toys to choose from – that they do not need to shred my TV guide every week.

This falls on deaf ears. Dog would be happy to eat all of kitties toys and kitty would be pleased if all he had to do through time was to tear bits off my magazines and do sick things to his lovey. Dogger would also like to do sick things to the kitties lovey, and this is a constant battle over a singularly nasty stuffed cat.

I did mow the lawn and many loads of laundry and put away several weeks worth of clothes that I should have been hanging up or at least hung up weeks ago. I even went as far as to change the sheets on the guest bed. Go Me.

All that laundry didn’t get the floors swept or the carpets vacuumed or the leaves racked in the backyard or the kitchen curtains laundered and ironed. It really sucks when the “Honey Do” list is all you.

What to do first? The lawns need mowing and people can actually see that, so mow first? Or think inside the house and do the housekeeping stuff first. But, you can vacuum the rugs when ever and the lawn can’t be mowed in the dark. It could but not by me. Then there are the floors, hardwoods are really nice but they get really dusty. Carpet gets dusty too, but it sinks into the carpety parts and you don’t really see it the same way.

Or how about the kitchen. Or how about not.

The bathroom needs some attention, or I could just bath the Dogger. That has a lot of attendant water drippage and it kind of cleans the bathroom… it doesn’t clean the toilet but it keeps the floor looking not entirely filthy. Maybe I could use the kitchen curtains to scrub the Dogger? Two birds one stone.

Mr. Kitty is the author of the dirty curtains. He likes to look out those windows and he leaves his furry calling cards all over them. Maybe I should have just bought gray instead of tasteful off white. I don’t think this was an eventuality that Martha Stewart thought of when her minions were designing her kitchen line.

Martha should get to work on designing a cat with fur that does not shed.

I still also need to get the entry ways taken care of. I’ve almost decided that the entry that I and the Dogger use the most, may need to get painted whatever Sherman Williams has that is the closest to Dirt color. It won’t be look very pretty, but it won’t look very dirty either.

The good thing is, my glasses prescription is ageing and that helps to mute my horror at the state of my housekeeping. I really do not see the dust bunnies. They have to grow into dust buffalo before they begin to register with me. I think they would make great toys for kitty, but he insists on not using things I want him to as toys. He won’t play with the stuff I buy and he ignores the stuff that is just laying around. Bastard.



I took time away from my not doing my housekeeping this weekend to see a movie. Go See Lost in Translation. You may have heard that it is a good movie, it is a good movie. I kind of think it is a great movie. I’m not sure that some one not named Coppola could have gotten this movie greenlighted or been able to attract the caliber of talent both in front of and behind the camera that she was able to, but it is still a terrific movie. Go see it. Tell me what you thought of it.

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!

Go see Lost In Translation, it is as good as the reviews say it is. It has made it to my backwater burg, it certainly has made it to your thriving metropolis. Go! See! it! Right! now! what? you're still here? Go! Go! Right Now!

HAPPY SATURDAY

Babbling Your Pets


I was thinking how I really haven’t communicated with my pets very well. I’ve not put the time into our relationships. It would be easier if we understood each other better. I know that “No! No! put that down now!” means, “No, No! put that down now”, but do they. Kitty ignores everything I say out of hand, which leads me to believe that he may understand what I’m saying.

Dogger makes some effort to listen to me. She understands body language pretty well. If I make myself look bigger, she will usually respond by trying to look smaller. Which is good, she doesn’t stop what she’s doing. But she seems to recognize I’m not happy with what she’s doing. She doesn’t care. But she is sad that I seem unhappy.

I don’t want her to feel my pain. I want her to put my shoe down.

With Kitty I could burst into tears and his only reaction would be to lick his butt . Cats do not feel our pain. Kitty does know when I don’t feel well and I can forgive him a lot the times he has shredded my magazines for the times he has curled up in my lap.

Dogger tries to curl up in my lap, but it’s really not the same.

In the middle of the night I imagine if Dogger jumped up on my bed I would probably would either, worst case, have a stroke or best case, get squished. Kitty is a lot more graceful and less likely to kill me while jumping on the bed. Dogger would never try to use me as foot path even if she really wanted to go outside or wanted to eat right now. Kitty always needs what ever he needs right now. Dogger starts with whimpers that end in opera. I dread the day they decided to sing together.

I started to think that if I could understand them better, maybe they could understand me better. I needed a translator.

There are translator sites for every language you can think up a type face for. Some for languages that don’t even have a type face. There are site that will translate random clicks and whistles. Nothing for barks and meows.

I even found one to translate this site! It is my newest toy. Please use it. I think it’s fun .

Anyway. I had to go to every corner of the Internet, and there are some dark and nasty corners - I finally found one.

It requires a bunch of audio stuff that I had to down load and now I’m going to get sued by the Recording Industry, but I need to be able to talk with the animals.

Okay. So. I had Dog and Cat record a few phrases into the mike- both animals thought it was a neat new toy and that slowed the whole thing down a bit, and I ended up having to record them with out their express knowledge. Sue Me.

It turns out that meow, meow, meeeeeeeep means “There are not enough kibble chunks in my bowl” or if there is a slightly longer “ew” sound it means “I really want to go outside”. Meowmeowmeow“ means “my toy is under the oven and I want you to get it so I can put it back again” it depends on the number of syllables in the initial “meow” and whether or not it is preceded by a lift of the chin or a head butt. The language really doesn’t have a lot of words that translate back to human languages directly. Feline is all about body language, theirs. Human body language apparently does not register but our moods do. Odd.


Dog language is a lot more about making statement. Woof (pause) Wof means “I will tear off your head”, while Barkety, Bark, Bark, Bark means “ I know you are somewhere near my house. I want you to step away now. You aren’t going to out run me. I work out” . it is not all warnings, Woofy, Woofy, Mefwoof is “Hi! Hi!Hi!, lets go go,ballll!ball!”


I also learned I was totally mistranslating Wof, squeal, Arrghrr I was going with “Put Me Out Side Right Now”, what it really means is “ I want to dig up the azalea bush in the backyard. I started this morning and I need to finish it”.

If I could just teach them the lyrics to some Animals songs, we could go on tour.

Were there any animals at the Tower of Babylon?


Hooray! I , thanks to you, have reached 1000 hits. I’m amazed that any of you even found me in the first place. Thank You for coming here everyday and keeping me motivated.

Random Randomness

I was listening to Kitty whining about not having fresh enough food in his bowl. Kitty has a large vocabulary. He has his feed me mewing, his change my box meows, the melodic yowls of - I don’t know, I haven’t figured out what the yowling means. He has all these different sounds he makes. Purring, meowing, muttering, little tiny meows, operatic mewling, growling, hissing, and whining. He makes a lot of noise and he really communicates with me what he wants. Sometimes sitting on my chest at three in the morning… he and I have talked. I meow at him, he meows back. We can sit and meow at each other for minutes at a time. I always wonder what we’re talking about. I’m afraid I’ve made him my power of attorney .

Dogger one the other hand, doesn’t have as many ways of communicating. She barks or she growls or she whimpers. She does employ stealing my socks and running away as a form of communication more then Kitty does, but kitty wouldn’t put my sock in his mouth, he would hide on them.

Miss Dog does have a specific whimper for “Take Me Outside Now” and I appreciate that. She growls at things she hears outside, sometimes and she barks in the back yard but I don’t know at what. There isn’t an ally back there so I assume she barks at the kids who live behind there, or their dog. The kids are out there all the time and I don’t think the dog ever leaves their porch, so maybe she barks at squirrels .

Here is a question. Why does my cat always smell better then my dog? Dogger gets bathed frequently and kitty grooms himself. Shouldn’t kitty smell like cat breath?

Dogger sleeps, kitty sleeps. Why does only Dogger seem to dream? do cats not talk in their sleep?

Why does the dog react to the doorbell on TV when it isn’t the same as mine? To dogs do they all sound the same? If so, why doesn’t hearing a dog bark on TV cause a reaction. The cat on the other hand really notices animals on TV.

How bored do you have to be to hold weddings for your pets?

What do birds do for fun? Do they have fun? You don’t see them having bird picnics or bird softball games.

Rats play. They do little rat dances, hoe downs and rat concerts. Maybe birds are the nerds of the animal world.

Why is Dogger licking her foot? It isn’t red, swollen or injured. She isn’t limping or favoring it. Could she be just doing it to make me hover over her? Do they think like that?

I had a dream last night so annoying I work up to get away from it. If I had been watching it on TV I would have turned the channels. I woke up irritated at 4:30 this morning. Yesterday morning was no better. The first thing I did yesterday morning was to stalk and kill one of those enormous hunting cockroaches, on my bed!! Good Morning Diana!


And Good Morning to Ya’ll! Or Evening! Or Afternoon!

Soap Opera-itis


Whither the The West Wing . That hot, smart chick at the library is now on the mommy track She’s that same chick you knew before but now you know her. You know she does the crossword in pencil and that she can’t balance her checkbook. The mystery is gone. She isn’t as smart as you thought she was.

God, but she was hot wasn’t she? Back in the day, the first season. All shiny and shimmering, You never met anyone like her. All her little quirks were interesting and different, not at all like the other girls. Those tired out old police dramas and lawyer shows.

When she won her very first Emmy™, it was like a giant coming out party. Everyone had said she was the prettiest girl at the dance, but when she was named Queen of the Ball, it validated it. She really was as good as you thought she was. And time passed and more Emmys™ lined up on the mantel and she was so hot. She still found a way to reinvent the wheel every week and it was a golden wheel.

She was gaining a little weight and she was starting to squint at her crosswords puzzles, but she was still all that. The cast had joined hands and then had a group hug and promised they would never, ever leave the Good Ship Quality. The creature and writer churned out fantastic episodes like he never slept or had a real life or thought about anything else.

But. Sometimes the wheel was a little flat, not a lot flat, not enough to need to change it right away. It just needed a little fresh blood to keep the wheel firm and running strait. It happens to everyone. New People mean new stories. Everyone wanted to be on the show. She was sexy and smart. Nothing to worry about.

The fans loved the show. Deeply and passionately. They listened to every word she said. She charmed them and taught . She looked so good, every hair in place and her make up was always flawless. She was still young and hot despite the seasons. She still had mystery about her.

She had great ideas and if the real world could just be a little bit more like Her, it would be a better place.

But what was that? Didn’t she say something like that a couple of seasons ago? And who are all these new people? When did she developed all these family members and significant others. There is no one more significant then She is, why do we need these people. What have they got to do with the running of the country? Twins? We need baby twins? What’s next? Presidential children coming out of the woodwork? Members of the Other Party with actual lines? this is not right. She changed. She is wearing concealed and her hair is lighter! What is This? She has turned into a Soccer Mom! That Bitch.


Its not that these old favorites are bad, really. They are the same shows they have always been, the problem being they are the same shows they have always been. We know them. We need a second honeymoon and couples counseling.

West Wing came out of the ether as the most original thing on TV. In a sea of Lawyer Shows and police procedurals The West Wing was a Political Procedural. The critics and the views alike all but wet themselves for the sheer joy of an original concept.

It took us to this exotic situation, and took the viewers a place they never could have gone on their own, it took them to the President – a kinder, gentler, nicer President, A Good President. A better country and a nicer world. No one was busting boring bad guys or shrieking for a continuance! We were bringing Congress to heel!


Why did the TV Iliterati fall out of love with it?

The first season was about how this situation affected the characters. For the most part they had no personal life. You could image that at the end of the day they folded themselves up and shutting themselves into their desks and powered down. It was all about the plot.

We got to know these people. We decided we liked it better before. Before what? Before the characters had outside lives? When was that? Before the first commercial break? Before the soap opera elements came in? everything evolves into a soap opera if the pilot gets picked up and the show runs for more then six episodes.

So. The characters evolve. The grow. The story telling moves beyond the story of guest star of the week and becomes about the stories of the characters. How they affect the situation makes them feel instead of the situation serving the continuance of the plot. Less episodic more arc orientated, more about these people and how they live from day to day, who they live with and how they live that life with those people while solving the crimes and chasing the bad guys and fixing that broken body or getting that bill passed .

More Soap Opera. Less Opera.

The Bummies™



That was about as many laughs as the Oscars™ were the year Schindlers List won. Gawd.


I was expecting a load of California Recall jokes and I was not disappointed. I was not laughing, but I got what I asked for. It wasn’t that I counted a lot or them, six actually, counting a prolonged and painful “skit” dedicated to it.

It is such an easy target and the opportunities to snark on it plentiful. If Dennis “Sell Out” Miller had not had his newly short hair wedged up Rupert Murdochs ass, he could have been terrific. John Stewart did all right and I actually laughed out loud a couple of times but considering the amount of screen time he had, I could have been hyperventilating . While speaking of Stewart, he can never razz anyone for being less then inclusive, the Supreme Court has fewer white men working on it then his does. I laughed at the picture of Bernie Mac standing next to that Caucasian Kick Line and laughed. I laughed at Stewart when he bitched at the director for letting us all see it. No, he can’t win an Emmy™ for directing the Emmys™, but he can win a Snarky™ for making Stewart look like an ass.

On to what we really sit through this three hour Toast To Trash for, the clothing.

I saw very few men in tuxedos. They all had suits on. How do they get away with the relative comfort of a suit when they could be trapped in a tux? I blame Dylan McDermott for that. He showed up in a tone on tone suit and looked dead sexy. The next year they all did and most of them just looked like Goombas. Now they wear whatever they wore to their kids last ballet recital.

The women have to spend the time in layers of fabric in varying levels of torment. Tight girdles ( don’t even try to tell me some of those women aren’t synched into those gowns) tighter stockings, torture bras, slips, petty coats ( itchy, uncomfortable) layers of shellac on their face and hair, heavy earrings ( we will talk about those earrings) terrible, beeeyootiful shoes and some of the men weren’t even wearing ties. Bastards.

I thought most of the women really looked nice this year. I didn’t have to look at any of David E. Kellys lollypop kids, so I was happy. I thought Debra Messing looked nice but that Tyn Daly was wearing my slip cover and that the usually stunning Alfe Woodard showed up in a bathrobe and nightgown combo my grandmother donated to a thrift store two years ago.

Sara Jessica Parker looked like she got lost on the way to a road show production of Grease - and not a well funded road show, a back road show. She should never wear anything that appears to weigh more then she does.

I thought there was something familiar about Jane Kazametskys earrings, I have some just like them, but I use them as Christmas ornaments .

The whole chandelier earring thing is tired. Practically every woman shown was wearing them and they all looked bad, it totally ruined the outfits. I remember that style, it was 1986. It didn’t look good on me then and it doesn’t look good on them now.

Did Christina Applegate piss off the make up people? She looked like she ran into a buffing machine. . It was not a good look. Speaking of little blondes, when did that chick from Clueless start to e n u c i a t e every single syllable? It was distracting and made her seem affected. Or new to reading.

Did anyone else know that George Lopez is Hispanic? I had no idea until he told us. Over. And. Over. And over. I would have never thought it. I thought he was kin to Jim Belushi . Speaking of Belushi, what has happened to Courtney Thorne – Smith? She looked awful. Is that what being stuck on a nowhere sitcom on a nowhere network does to a pretty woman? She needs to escape to the Spelling mansion and go into beauty rehab.

Martin Short was too talented for the room. He rocked more in the little bit of time he was up there then the rest of them did all night. I am so looking at you, Wanda Sykes. Thanks to you Dogger got to enjoy multiple trips outside. Sykes sucks. And to suck to Cosby? so wrong, so many ways. True he looked like he had a stick up his ass the size of his Life Time achievement trophy, but still? to harsh on Cosby. Shame on you.

I called this the Bummies™ because we keep getting smacked around the head with dead people all night. I am sad for the dead people, really. But, awards are for the living. Dead people do not need the validation. Bob Hope, Mr. Rogers, John Ritter, Lyn Jacobson, Tony Shaloubs nephew… all damn night. If they didn’t say nice things to these people when they were alive, why wait till they’re dead? It’s hypocritical . If you weren’t going to remember then in your speech while they were alive, why are you doing it now?

It just went on an on. I was really glad to see Tony Shaloub bring it home and William H. Macy walk back and forth . I am heartened to see actual actors being rewarded for their work.

Anyway. Fun was had, fun was made of and hopefully next year more shows I care about will win.

The Days After


While the coast and Virginia and Maryland are ripping their carpets out and killing snakes in whats left of their living rooms, digging their stuff out of the mud and trying to get used to new landmarks and wondering where the old ones went off to, I filled six trash bags and two containers of carefully snapped to size, dead wood. Done. I am one of two houses on the block with anything out to be picked up.

Next time we won't be so lucky. Bet On It. I am going to get myself a big cooler, some blue ice and more candles. I can run to Broskys and Alphagals. if I really need to they live on a power grid that also has a Hospital and their power never fails for long. But I don't like to leave my house to the elements, if a tree is going to fall on my house, I want to be there for it.

At least those thousands of people have the warm to be in the dark with. Last winter the power failed and the only thing to keep us warm was our ire . We got to go outside, pull some limbs off the porch get cold, go back inside, stay cold, hate on the power company work up a lather, rinse in cold water, repeat. Being with out power for a long time makes you tired. I want to note that not once have we seen a story about the hardness of having no power, many interviews with people whining Oh, thats right this didn't happen to New York! The people with out now, are not as interesting. They must be use to it doesn't bother them in the same way. Lots of picture of people digging out, cleaning up, not whining. How refreshing. They also do not have water. They aren't casually sitting on their stoops, bitching, they are casually sitting on was once their piano, thanking God for not being dead, not whining


What else?

The Emmys are on tonight. The new season starts this week. I'm going to teach Dogger to fetch the remote and cook dinner for me. I tried to teach Kitty to do those but he wouldn't do it.

Tomorrow we have CSI Miami. Shut up. I like this show. I forgave David Caruso for his past misdeeds. The people who hate this show, hate it because its not the Mother Ship. Move On. I don't even watch the Other Show. I don't watch it because I can't stand William "Walking Ego" Peterson. I don't know anything about him, I'm not familiar with his work. He may rescue kittens from trees and acts as a wet nurse for orphaned puppies he said nasty things about CSIM before the show even started and I decided that he was an asshat and I wasn't going to watch his show. Ever.

It looks like Fear Factor, Third Watch, Yes Dear, Everybody loves Raymond and Still Standing are also making a return. I know NBC is premiering this week, but I don't watch the other nets as often and I don't keep track of them. I do want to know when NYPD Blue comes back because I'm going to have to start taping Queer Eye.

Lets see, Wednesday? Law and Order and Angel eventually,busy! Thursday, wow, busy, busy. I Must See NBC Must See TV. It is very sad, I know. Don't bother. Friday. Nothing. Saturday, Nothing. Sunday, Law and Order CI.

The Emmys are about to start. Who thinks West Wing and CSI Las Vegas are going to clean up? I don't watch either one, so they'll do well.

What do they mean they cut into the Emmy pre-show for a Football game? The hell? There are gowns!!! To see! We missed the Gowns!

And away we go. Tomorrow I'll let you know what I thought.

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!!

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!

Safe as Houses

Home again. With Power. The folks down at the coast got nailed, but they expected that- They live at the coast, getting nailed by hurricanes comes with the beach house. My basement didn't even flood. So the Isabel 03 - the Live and Learn Tour has left the building and left the building.

Candycane?

So far so good. I left work at about 2pm because I didn't want to be alone in the building - weather wusses by the way, the lot of them Ewww! Its raining! I Must Go Home Early!!, flutter, flutter, what shall we do?. On the way home I watched a scaffolding blow apart, that was impressive.

The weather was passable enough that Dogger and I were able to take a short version our walk - we could have done the whole thing but I got spooked by cracking tree limbs and chickened out.

Since then, I went to my brothers as I lost power at about 3 and I ran out of patients with the whole thing. I looked ahead to more games of chase and hiss with the animals and thought better of it . On the way to the lit side of town I saw a torn banner, a shredded awning and a couple of downed tree limbs. Lots of leaves, lots of police and fire sirens. I counted 12 different police and fire combos in the few hours since I got home.

This was not as bad of a storm as I encounter in Dallas, Dallas would not have 150,000 people with out power after a wind storm though.