HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!!!

HAPPY SHOPPING!!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Puppy School Part Duh


Let’s not even talk about how awful class was.

Okay, the trainer was sick again he said he would be better this week. Liar. Last week we learned that the dogs could sense his weakness and it was not the Obediencepalooza that it could have been. This week? Same song different verse.

At one point every single one of the dogs looked at the trainer and said talk to the paw, I mean really. Dogger and the other dogs were in no mood to heel or sit and stay or any of the things that they have been able to perform in the past. It was so embarrassing. Dogger was especially shirty this week, The trainer looked at me and tsked.

It just kills me, a couple of weeks ago Dogger was Example Dog! We heeled for the class! and I was so proud and this week… if there had been erasers to beat, Dogger would have been covered in chalk dust shame.

The saving grace was that the remaining dogs in her class weren’t feeling it either and the Dog Mother of the Shepard said that if we could cut out early it would be great. She can talk about cutting out early, her dog has obedience in its veins. It wants to behave. It comes to class all exciting and just can not wait to learn new skills. Bitch.

Dogger was not on her game at all. This is my fault. I’ve been lazy and just taking her to the field to run instead of going on proper walks to drill. It just gets dark so early and I was so busy doing nothing all weekend I didn’t remember to drill her like I was supposed to. We did the Come On The Leash thing, but at class she sucked at that. I haven’t been as strict as I should have been. I’ve been happy when she sits when I stop and I should have been demanding that she sit next to me or heel! instead of where ever she was when I stopped.


Of course she does all this before her big weekend at my parents. She was supposed to prove that she doesn’t need to go to some dog obedience concentration camp. She can suck it up or she’ll be sent off to Soul Suck Academy and be turned into some sort of canine automaton – kind of like that kid from A. I but taller and with better hair.

I also blame this on the dog smack that I have been using to pill her. I think as much of it as she has been ingesting as totally skewed her behavior. Now that she is off her meds and getting less smack maybe she’ll chill out. Maybe, I’ll give her even more benadryl this weekend – [evil laugh] “won’t stay will you?, HA!, try this on for size Dogger! Didn’t know you could double as an ottoman did you?! [ /evil laugh]


Okay, next update will be Monday. Have a Safe and Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Tripping


Packing for a weekend in the summer you can pack everything you need in a baggy and still have room left to add an extra tee shirt and that cute shorts and top you found on sale and a second bathing suit or maybe warm ups in case it gets cool at night. Summer clothes are thin clothes.

Packing for the winter you can pack everything you need in a streamer trunk and still have to dig up another bag for the rest of your stuff. My God, winter clothes are fat! I’m not even staying for that long and I all ready look like one of Santa’s helpers.

Things to Do List

Pack - it’s not that I can’t practice self control with this. I have it in me to sit down and be very organized and clear minded and make lists and plan according to how long I am going to be there and what we are going to do and be all organized, but I also need to plan for eventualities, I could be invited to a dress ball!… for example, or there could be a surprise warm front and we could go to the beach instead of watching football so I will need tee shirts and maybe my bathing suit. I know that a guy can pack two flannel shirts, a couple of tee shirts and a pair of jeans and be set for a two week trip through Europe. I am not a guy. I want choices. Since I am being all organized about this and working ahead of time I have found that I have no toothpaste and I own no socks. See? Lists!

Cook - I am bringing my annual Key Lime Pie. I made the pie part up ahead of time and very efficiently froze it. I need just to warm up my store bought pie crust. First try did not work out, I really don't want to go into it.. Second try was better now all I had to do was remove the pie crust from its pie pan and transfer it to Alpha Gals super cool Traveling Pie Plate. Okay. It shrank. It suffered from shrinkage despite following the directions and poking holes in it, it got all swollen. And useless. Trying again, these things come in twos and I bought a second pack for a reason. Bastards. Okay. Swelling treated with a well placed jab, now I had to see how it travels from one pie plate to another. It could have been worse. It is now in the super cool TPP and I just need to thaw the filling and add it to the crust. And then refreeze it and remember to bring it with me.

The Pets - Dog and Cat. They are all ready dressed for any occasion so there is less packing to do. Note, I said less not no. There is the food issue, how to bring it from Point A to Point B. Its easy to say just measure out how much they would eat everyday and bring that amount. Right. If you do it that way, if you decide to stay a day longer or if they animal is feeling sad away from home and you perhaps feed them a little more then unusual and it is Thanksgiving for gods sake! You don’t want to starve the babies. Then we have the treat issue. Do they need them? Am I actually going to be working Daisy on her skills while I am there? I think will be because of Puppy School and all and I think we’re going to cover the hard stuff this week… how about her nail clipper? her other leash? and toys? Bring all of Doggers' bones or just the one? To tennis ball or not to tennis ball? Am I actually going to be able to play fetch? And what about Kitty. Kitty is going to be locked up in a bathroom all weekend so all he’s going to need is tranquilizers.

JFK

You might have heard that Saturday was the anniversary of JFK assassination. I grew up in Dallas. I moved there with my family in 1972, nine years after the fact. Dallas was in the process of undergoing explosive growth and my family was only one of the thousands that were deluging the area with new people. New people who weren’t there then and were too busy to think about what happened less then a decade before. It was a city on the move, Growing and growing and building literally before your eyes. The crain was the official city bird for many years.

I have no memory of field trips to the Kennedy Memorial as a child; Old City Park, trips to museums at Fair Park. If we went by it, we went by it quickly – “And on our right is thekennedymemorial, Okay, over that way is Thanksgiving Square, isn't it pretty? It must have been pointed out to us but I don’t think they sent a lot of school kids to check it out. The school book depository, Deally Plaza, the Triple Underpass and Love field were just there. When I was really little Love Field, for a time was not even an airport. It had a skating rink.

Somewhere along the line I knew roughly when the assassination happened. I thought it was sometime around Thanksgiving or on Thanksgiving or something like that. We didn’t go downtown often or ever. No reason to go there what with all that construction, it was a nightmare. It was only after college when I had a job downtown that I first started to think about the Assassination. I think it was also due in part to the opening of the school book depository building as a museum to the assassination. It was there for a number of years before I had a chance to go. It is extremely moving, people were crying, I was crying, and for the most part the museum is just pictures. Pictures of people from all over the world mourning our president. You can look out the window and see how easy it was.


The Dallas city fathers did a dance of joy when Dallas went on the air. Now, for the first time in decades when people asked about Dallas “Hey, isn’t that where JFK was Killed?”, they asked “Hey, isn’t that where J.R. lives?”. Yes! Yes it Is!

I was working at a theatre near downtown and we had many actors from out of state. That year was on of the big anniversaries, The 30th maybe? And there were made for TV movies being aired and reporters in town and more crazies then usual down at the triple underpass with their metal detectors and the drum beat was everywhere. The actors wanted to see it. They wanted to know where it was. They were in Dallas damn it and they wanted to go where it happened. I didn’t have to take them. I didn’t want to hear about it, I didn’t want to talk about it, I wanted it to go away. Why now? Why with all these people in town did they have to be making such a big deal about it? It was embarrassing. “Why yes, welcome to Dallas, The City that Hates! Glad to See you!”.

I lived there for at that point, 20 years and never heard a word about it. It was in the past. Dallas does not do the past. It builds, it is about the future. What happened in the past is finished, it isn’t about The Now. We didn’t talk about it.

True, I was very young, but. Here I was the next generation and I was learn about it like it happened somewhere else in another time to other people.

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!

Today is the 40th anniversery of John F. Kennedys assassination in Dallas, had he lived he would be 86 years old.

Round and Round


I don’t know why the other cars are rushing around when I'm on the way home but I’m rushing home in order to be able to change clothes and walk Dogger while its still light. When she doesn’t get a walk, she’ll look around until she finds something to chew on, then she makes sure she gets my attention and then leads me a chase around and around the dining room table. To try to make this a less enjoyable form of exercise for her, I make it as unpleasant for her as possible. I do this by banging on the table and bellowing operatically at her to stop. This is supposed to make the whole thing so loud and unattractive to her that she will remember that the next time she wants to do this. Who knew she was an opera fan?

We didn’t walk today. Instead of walking my dog I got rerouted around Robin Hoods barn. The radio didn’t feel it was necessary to take a break from their breathless Michael Jackson frenzy to tell the locals that they might want to take an alternative route home. They could have, in passing, “Oh, by the way? going Downtown? Find another route. Okay”. The cops could have blocked off the entry into downtown and rerouted us from there instead of forcing us on the non - grand non – tour of the city. When I first got rerouted I thought that they were doing this for a Christmas Show thing they have booked at the convention center. I thought that they were doing all this so it would be easier for the people to park so they could go to the Christmas Show and buy sequined incrusted crèche sets with bonus Red White and Blue™ glitter Uncle Sam ™ Santa, now!with! singing I’m Proud to Be An American™ (Holiday Mix) action. I don’t think people who would want to buy sequin incrusted crèche sets with bonus Red White and Blue™ glitter Uncle Sam™ Santa, now!with! singing I’m Proud To Be An American™ (Holiday Mix) action need things to be easier for them. I think they should suffer for their glitter incrusted crèche sets with bonus Red White and Blue™ glitter Uncle Sam™ Santa, now!with! singing I’m Proud to be An American™ (Holiday Mix) action.

So needless to say by the time I did finally get home it was too late to walk Dogger. Before I went inside I went out front and saw a Random Beyotch outside the Drug Dealers House and asked Random Beyotch outside the Drug Dealers house what was going on downtown; because I figured if anyone would know what a horde of cops was doing within shouting distance of the house, it would be them, taking at least a professional interest in what was causing the cop convention. Random Beyotch looked up from her BBQing ( was I invited? No.) to tell me she didn’t know and I should go on inside and watch the news if I wanted to know what was going on downtown. I guess it wasn’t in Random Beyotchs’ job description to be aware of such things, she must be an intern. Random Beyotch was busy grilling crack or whatever and couldn’t be bothered with The White Girl Next Door. The words “lots” “cops” and “everywhere” did to make her look up towards the house as if to see if the “lots, of cops, everywhere” might be advancing on her and her BBQ from somewhere behind the Drug Dealers house.

I went inside and did what Random Beyotch suggested - Gas Leak an Underground Gas Leak. I Drove around Robin Hoods Barn and got dangerously close to booths of sequin incrusted crèche sets with bonus Red White and Blue™ glitter Uncle Sam™ Santa, now!with! singing I’m Proud to be An American™ (Holiday Mix) action, for an underground gas leak, for all that something could have at least exploded or sang or been covered with glitter.

On The Way


Driving home from work this week and I noticed that the body shop at the bottom of the hill had morphed into a used car place. Wow. They didn’t even change out the stock, same wreaked cars, new great prices! They had gotten rid of some of the brush that had been around the building when they painted it and I saw this camper . It looked like my grandmothers camper. She’s gone now and so is it, but seeing it made me think of one summer when we drove out to California to see her and I got to spend a night in the camper.

I was thinking what fun it would be despite my Dad to retelling apocryphal tales about thieves breaking into campers and what happens to the poor unfortunates they find in them. Thanks Dad. I still slept out there that night but I also kept look out for those apocryphal camper thieves, cause there is nothing like a twelve year old camper trailer with a twelve year old sleeping in it to attract the neighborhood apocryphal camper thieves.

The camper brought back another camper related memory, when I was a freshman at college, my dorm room TV was this little tiny black and white. This was fine for certain things. Like most of network television. But it was time for the SNL season premier and I was not going to watch it on the black and white. And my room mate was a raging loony and I had get away from her. The crazy room mate is kind of beside the point, but she was bat shit crazy. Anyway, I needed to watch my show on a color TV. I found one.

Lorne Michaels will never know my sacrifice. The TV I found belong to one of the guys in my department. In order to watch the show I had to agree to watch it with him. In his camper trailer.

While we were waiting for the show to start he did me the favor of outing most of the men in the department. As I was a Theatre major, the idea that some of the guys were gay was not a huge surprise. That every reasonably attractive man I had mentioned to him,was gay and that all the guys in the department, except for him, were gay was a bit of a surprise; because I all ready knew there were some straight guys in the department, some, a handful, at least a couple. Okay, two that I was sure of. He did me this favor, he told me, so I would not waste my time crushing on some gay guy when I could cut out the queer man and go straight (ha,ha) to him. I guess the fact that He looked like a drowned rat was supposed to be irrelevant. A heterosexual drowned rat.

It rained today. We were told to expect 60 mile an hour winds as well but they were a no show. I’m surprised. I left my patio chairs outside and I didn’t think about it till I was half way down the street. I was sure I was going to come home to find them on the neighbors roof. Despite all the rain for the basement wasn’t full of water when I can home. The day I closed on the house I was greeted by a flooded basement. I have not forgiven it yet. The only water was a little puddle by the washing machine water drain. I don’t know if the sump pump over flowed or what, but it was mostly dry. Oh, and there is a new branch down in the back yard. I tried to take Dogger for a walk when I came home but we were only out for a little while before it got all Apocalypse Nowish looking and I took us home.

Puppy School Week Four



Lets see. This week Dogger showed the class how well she can trip me and make me fall down! Whee! She did this right after the trainer told us about a dog that broke its owners leg when it ran into her. She also made the trainer nauseas. That is exactly what I want the trainer to associate with her, nausea and dizziness and her potential capacity to break legs. Good Dog!.

After my free fall in the parking lot the trainer kept taking Dogger away from me and when he did let me have her, I tried to explain that I have a trick knee and I might have lost my balance regardless of what Dogger was doing - he hovered . I liked it better when the other puppy was the bad dog. That puppy dropped out. I can see it hanging around the corner and drinking beer out of a water dish. It might smoke, I could see that. Maybe I can call that other dogs mom and set up a play date for our little miscreants. I could get Dogger her own studded collar and a little leather jacket. I think it’s the bad dogs next door influence. They talk through the fence when they are all outside and I think they have been telling her bad things. Bad Dog things.

Since the trainer was sick this week we worked on making the dog come on the leash. I think this was for the best. Dogger is not ready to sit and stay. Come she is ready for. Dogger and I have been working on this off leash for a while but she is still not good at it. She won’t come unless she wants to and has chewed everything in the environment she wanted to chew, and so has nothing else to do. The promise of doggy snack is becoming a slightly attractive motivator but not good enough to get her to stop killing my shrubbery when I call for her.

The problem we ‘re having with the coming on the leash thing is we worked very hard on Heel. Very Hard. She doesn’t get far enough away from me for me to properly get her to Come. She looked at me tonight and said Come? I’m right here! Damn. . I also have to learn a few new things to do the Dogger , Come thing right. I have to remember to let her get to the end of her leash and say Come then a sharp tug on the leash, walk back wards slowly,( as to not make her get all dancy) and then make her sit down if she hasn’t all ready done so then release her then give her a treat. I wasn’t doing a very good job doing this in class. I really sucked. I was having trouble with the right sequence. The trainer told me to write it down and work from my notes.

Danger Dog was not in the mood for Puppy School. She was in the mood for assault.

I think my little TV is trying to tell me something. It is kind of blinkering and fading . I think this means there is something wrong with it. I am hoping this means it has the flu. The flu is supposed to be very bad this year. It could affect electronics. really old electronics are especially vulnerable to flu. It could also be the tube dieing. It’s too young to die. You can’t buy insurance for this. No one wants to help you with your sick TV out of the goodness of their heart. If you want to pay someone, then sure someone will take care of it, but not for free and they don’t do it out of love .They don’t care about the TVs pain.

I am going to be in pain if that TV dies.

Over the River and Through the Woods

Mr. Kitty decided that I needed my Monday to start sooner then my alarm did. Mr. Kitty was feeling peckish and thought I needed to get up and feed him. When I thought that Mr. Kitty needed to go downstairs and leave me the fuck alone, Mr. Kitty thought my stereo needed to go crashing to the floor.

I then thought Mr. Kitty needed to be FedExd to an undisclosed location in the United Arab Emirates .

When I got home his foreign Frontline™ had arrived. I now know a number for Poison Control in Australia. I feel very international now. I love Frontline™ it promises to kill, maim and destroy everything with more then four feet that comes within a block of my pet. It also promises to beat on baby fleas like a Canadian on a baby harp seal. Good on Ya Australian Frontline™!

I also had some good news truck wise. The truck does not seem to be as out of alignment as I thought it was! Yay me for not messing it up more then I thought I did. I was trying to take Dogger on a nature hike, I thought I had taken the right turn off… I had been to this nature walk place one other time. In the dark. As a passenger and I remember thinking “Oh, this is right by where the state cars go”. So I had this picture of a lot with a state vehicles in it. Vehicles being the operative word. I turned where I saw a state building and a bunch of state stuff. I saw the dirt road and I followed it. Wrong dirt road. I ended up with the truck perpendicular across this some what soggy sand road and I couldn’t get it out. I also didn’t have my cell phone with me because it seems that it now lives in my living room charging itself and receiving wrong number calls. So. I am stuck in the sand, the truck is making odd sounds and I’m wondering if the truck may grow four wheel drive for just a little while, since I really needed it to be all four wheelie and get the hell out of this mess I had gotten into.

I eventually got the truck out. The truck was not happy and I seem to have messed with the alignment while I was trying to get the car to go in a direction it wasn’t comfortable going dog in it. Back and forth and back and forth over this huge sand clot until I wore it down enough to get the truck over it. Sigh. It was not my finest moment. The truck is now 10 years old and it goes out of alignment if I run over a large pebble, so its not like this is unusual for it. But this time I know exactly what I did to make it all out of alignment.

When Dogger and Truck and I finally did reach our destination we were greeted by a large sign ALL DOGS MUST REMAIN ON LEASH AT ALL TIMES what I didn’t realize was that it really said was Diana must keep her Dog on leash at all times. Just Her. All other Dog Owners should feel free to run their dogs off leash, over hill and yon – don’t even both trying to keep them under control. Because you know, ALL DOGS does not mean YOUR DOG. I saw this sign about every four feet. We were greeted by off leash dogs about every six feet, cause ya know, there is nothing more fun then getting charged by a large dogs! Thank God I wasn’t a toddler or the owner of a dog given to attacking strange dogs , or someone who just really can’t deal with both my large excited dog as well as a strangers large excited dog.

We did have a great time though. Dogger had a ball. It was pretty too. We walked for about an hour and we didn’t get even a third of the way through. It has great paths and we are so going back. ON LEASH.

The Weather Outside is…



Let Us Shop

Oh the weather outside is delightful
But the family’s wish list is frightful
And since we've so many places to go
Let us shop, let us shop, let us shop!


It doesn't show signs of stopping
And I brought some cash for spending
The blue lights are turned up high
Let us shop, let us shop, let us shop!

When we’ve finally spent all our dough
How I'll hate to go home while the sales on
But if you promise we can come back tomorrow

All the way home I'll be warm.
The crowds are slowly dying
And my dear, we're still good-buying
But as long as you’ll loan me more,
Let us shop, let us shop, let us shop!


I’m sure I’m no doubt ripping someone off with that. It’s in the sprit of the pre-Thanksgiving sales that are flooding the air waves this week. There aren’t the real sales and the real hard core shoppers aren’t even thinking about this proto-sales. The real sales are the day after Thanksgiving. This is the super bowl of competitive shopping. This separates the girls from the women.

If you can’t suck it up and be awake by 5:30 am the morning after cooking all day and then eating your body weight in dinner and remembering to get the car to the mall parking lot the night before to make sure you have the best possible parking spot … you should just turn in your ovaries ‘cause girlfriend you are not ready for the big leagues. Stick to your catalogues and your web sites. Shopping neophyte.

I have an aunt and girl cousins who do get up in the dark the day after Thanksgiving and hit the malls. They shop all day. You can’t keep up with them. They have plans and maps and lists and exit strategies. They are machines.

That’s not my thing. I love shopping, don’t get me wrong. Shopping is good. But. I. Hate. Crowds. I. Hate. Noise. I hate people in a hurry to be in a hurry. I love Christmas Carols, I hate Christmas Carols if I have to spend any amount of time in the mall this time of year. How many versions of The Little Drummer Boy or that new Mall Christmas fav These Are A few Of My Favorite Things do I really need to be assaulted with? I can’t stand the sound of them. I don’t even want to think about the poor souls working in Christmas Stores who have been listing to Jingle Bells since last August.

I’m also cooking. It must be close to the holidays. Yesterday I made a much more complicated version of my yearly Key Lime pie. Did you know that 32 ozs. Of whipped cream is a hell of a lot of whipped cream? That, that much whipped topping can make a number of pies? My recipe calls for just one pie. My God! It would be the worlds tallest pie. Who needs a pie you can also use as a booster seat? Or to hide gifts in? I mean. Dayum. I don’t need that kind of stress. I have to put that thing in a car with Dogger and Mr. Kitty. Maybe if I tie it to the roof of the car? Or use it as an air bag? Or as a very frothy party dress? I can be the new Betsey Johnson!


Harrumph. An awful lot of egg yolks and sugar were sacrificed for lime flavored Cool Whip ™. I see some food coloring it that pies future. I didn’t do all that for a Key Lime Flavored Cool Whip ™ Pie and since I did it will at least be a Key Lime Flavored Key Lime Green Cool Whip™ Pie.

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!!

Friday Fiveish



I spent the day with the interior of my skull wrapped in cotton batting. I don’t know how it got there and it is still there to a degree. I spent hours this morning doing a task that, when my head is not full of cotton, I can get done in a snap. After I was done, the specter of having to get out of my chair and file reared its ugly head. I had to sit down again.

I only got about a quarter of what I was supposed to get done finished and the stuff that’s left is only half of what there is still to do.

It’s a sad state of affairs when stapling is more work then you can get done with out taking a rest.

Because I am still a big quilt, we have our friend The Friday Five from my friends at Fridayfive.org.



What food do you like that most people hate?

I hate everything. The only food I don’t hate is food most people feed to their two year olds. I eat my hamburgers plain and dry. I won’t eat a burger if there has been cheese on it. I learned after years of struggle to tolerate ketchup and mustard traces on my burgers. Pickles slices are just wrong. I am unable to understand why people put chili (blech!) on there hotdogs. It’s not that I like food other people hate, its more that I like plain food. No sauces, gravies or heavy spices. If it doesn’t taste good on its own putting stuff on it is not going to make it better. I think of it as au natural food, food in the nude so to speak.

What foods do you hate that most people love?

Most people like Mexican food. Mexican food is unacceptable for the following reasons.

1.) It involves cheese.
2.) It involves spices that are unnecessary and unpalatable and smell funny.
3.) It involves foods that are stringy, gritty or actually paper.
4.) It involves Taco Bell™, Taco Bueno™ and having to inhale what those places smell like. Mexican food smells like what you add to it. In real life you are eating grass cuttings and pigeons .
5.) It is hot because if you could actually taste what you were eating you wouldn’t eat it.

What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?

Tom Cruise – Too Toothy, Too Culty, Too Short. I can tolerate him in ensemble pieces ( as long as it is a large ensemble) or in very short cameos. I also do not understand any of the winners of American Idiot, Popular? Sure, Talented? Hell No!

What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find
attractive?

Stephen Rea. Siiiiiigggghhhh. But not for his looks. He looks like a depressed basset hound. He is a great actor though and I love his accent. I also lust after the father guy on Grounded For Life even though I don’t watch the show. The guy who plays Wesley on Angel is very hot.

What popular trend baffles you?

Everything baffles me. I am bafflement personified. Why do people dress their little, bitty girls up like Brittany Spears? Why are those clothes available in 6x? Why would you put a mullet on a toddler? Why is wrestling still televised? Why is UPN not on a NAACP hit list? Why is Seventh Heaven still on TV and Action not? why is everything on TV aimed at 12 year old girls? Why are all the movies made for 14 year old boys? Why are movies on purpose made for grownups so damn boring? Why are they all ready playing Christmas Carols? Iraq? George Bush? Baffled.

Separation of Church and State! It's Your Birthday! It's Your Birthday!!

Quick Hits


Love me and Leaf me

Due to, ah, popular demand, I raked my back yard. I fail to see how a lovely autumnal carpet of leaves is some how viewed as something that I need to get of right now, while the dirt patch is considered better. I liked the back yard better with its carpet then I do with its dirt floor. But I raked it. And took the leaves out to the curb. Now I have an ugly leafy wart on the front yard and an ugly dirt scar in the back. Lovely. I am expecting any day now to find some red neck looking over the fence to scope it out a possible mud track to race his truck in. It’s a wet lands damn it! Speaking of moving leaves. I think the yard work fairies came to my house. I did a little leaf clean up in the drive way after I vacuumed the yard, a little, there was a good deal piled up on the patio too. I was going to take care of that. I came out Sunday and the leaves were gone. Off the patio and out of the drive way. El Gone-o. Kind of weirded me out.



You can tell a house by its cover

While I was out being all Yard Girl 2003 I saw someone across the street looking at the house. A young woman was parked out in front of the house across the street! On purpose! She noticed me standing there with my mouth open and asked about the neighborhood. I told her it was perfect in every way and that angels live among us and she needed to move in at once and being her friends - lets gets this gentrification party started! We talked about her plans for the house and what flowers she was going to plant outside, the color she wanted to paint the trim, her ideas for taking off the shutters and the awning. How much we both like the little round window over the front door and what promise we both thought the house has . It was really nice and she had all ready fallen hard for the house. Then her real-estate lady showed up and took her inside. While they were inside I had all kinds of happy thoughts. The neighborhood could really use another young person who isn’t running a home based felony. I didn’t have much time to think. They were only inside for a few moments came out to report that the interior of the house is in worse shape and needs even more work then the exterior, and I>it looks like a bomb site. She also told me how much the absentee owners are asking for it. I don’t need property values that low this close to my house. The place is so cheap that I wouldn’t be surprised it didn’t end up as a premium in a box of Cracker Jack.


Puppy School Week 3

The trainer called Dogger The Star of the Class. My Dogger! And she even performed what she was supposed to perform! The first time. We do have to work on her focus but if I give her enough dog chewies she can be very focused. Next week we start the really hard stuff – Sitting and Staying. This is not a talent she has shown yet, she will sit but she won’t stay.


Pet Psychic

I was afraid that Kitty was going to catch the fleas that have fled Dogger. Caught and landed. Fleas all over the house have part of Kitty stuffed and mounted over their fireplaces. This time I’m not going to waste a trip to the vet just to be told that yes, my animal does have fleas, and yes I do need to buy some Frontline™ and yes, I can write the vet a big check. So instead I wrote a comparatively smaller check to some online vet med site and at some point in the near future I will have my Frontline™ and my kitty will have his groove back.

One Sick Puppy




Scratchscatchscratch Dogger, stop it. Scratchscratchscatch Stop it!, here have a cookie! No! Stop itching My Dog Has Fleas. A lot of fleas, enough that if you sit right down next to her, you can see an odd flea, fleeing. It’s a good thing I got a new prescription when I did, cause I wouldn’t want to miss getting to see stuff like this.

There was some left over medicated dog shampoo from the last dermatological mishap and I started to bath her with that. Cue the sounds of tiny high pitched cries as fleas jumped to their deaths. I thought that a few baths with this stuff should do the trick. Scratchscratchscatch.

I wasn’t really trying to ignore her discomfort. It’s just that every time she gets little uncomfortable I get a lot poorer. I have a vet that thinks all her clients are people with good jobs and designer pets who go to her practice because it’s all about treatment options and dog dialysis and operating on Fidos pancreas. I went there initially because it was close to my apartment and Kitty had just worn out his welcome at the first place I went. I had a cat and I needed a vet. A vet that didn’t tell me I couldn’t come back unless I let them tranq Kitty into oblivion for a rabies shot! I needed a vet.

Last summer when Dogger and I had to visit Vetastic just before vacation. She confused me with someone who could pay hundreds of dollars for an itchy dog. When I told her I wanted her to keep in mind that my dog has in theory her very own DNR order, she looked at me like a dog abuser and told me she wanted to run a lot of very expensive tests and labs and other pricey vet things that were the patient me? I wouldn’t be getting even with insurance. I was like, this isn’t Animal Planet and we aren’t on Emergency Vets and unlike EV, they don’t offer payment plans.

And ya know what those expensive tests showed last summer? Nothing, bupkis. It showed that she was itchy.


So I go back with my itchy dog.

This time I score another vet. A vet while she is writing me a prescription for an (expensive, natch) antibiotic also suggested I go buy some over the counter benodryl and give the dog an oat meal bath. Saved me about $50.

No pricey tests, no labs. This time there were visible fleas, which helped a bit. But. So this time, no medicated shampoo but she did give me some topical spray for the itchiest areas. Dogger hates this spray, but if I corner her in her crate, she can't get away and I get a little bit of a contact high, one script for antibiotics and an order for 50 mgs of benodryl twice a day. I asked the vet if this wasn’t going to make her drowsy? I take 50 mg and it knocks me out and I weigh more then 90 lbs, 100 mgs a day would leave me catatonic . She said “She’s a Big dog, 90 lbs. She can handle it”. I’m thinking, a 90 lb sombulent dog? What am I supposed to do with her then? Use her for an ottoman? How are we going to go to Puppy School if she’s unconscious? - Why yes, we have been working very hard on Stay. See? She's staying like a champ! Good Girl! Yup. She won't move, she's very obedient I guess if she isn’t awake she isn’t going to be chewing my shoes.

Not Just Another Tuesday


Today is Veterans Day. Keep these veterans in mind their mission is accomplished, ours is not. Today also marks the official date of the close of World War One.

Heat Loaf



I woke up yesturday morning to both the warm bulk of Mr. Kitty curled up purring next to me and warmth and purr of my heat pump cycling on. This was kind of a surprise, kitty doesn’t usually like touching me if he’s sleeping, and I thought I had set the heater to not turn on until the water in the toilet froze over.

I struggled with staying in my nice warm bed and listening to the purr of my power bill spiraling out of control. I heaved myself out of bed, pissing of the kitty and got up and set the thermostat back to less likely trigger. I went back to sleep secure that it wouldn’t go off again. And again was woken up by the twin purrs of my power bill spiraling out of control and the kitty. Winter sucks. The weather guy promises we’ll be back to less winter and more not winter by midweek.

I love Poverty Barn . Some of you may know it by its more Common name, Big Lotts but for me it will always be Poverty Barn.

Where else can you pick up gifts for three workmates, a table lamp, toilet bowl cleaner, and a scrubbing bubbles manqué and still get out for under $31.00? . You can’t beat it with a stick. I could have picked up a very nice Christmas center piece that would have looked great on my dinning room table but I’m trying to use restraint. I don’t need a centerpiece for my dinning room table. I did really need a table lamp and while the bathroom cleaners were kind of after thoughts, I needed them too.

The lamp was a problem. Poverty Barn sells furniture now, they are very excited about it. When I finally found their lamps amid all the press board bedside table nightmares and genuine man made pleather couches - they had a few lamps, but not Big Lotts of lamps. Disappointing. Everything they had ran the gamut between really cheap and tacky and really trashy and tacky. I just wanted something cheap. They had a couple of nicer table lamps but they were too big and contemporary and bright green for the knotty pine thing I have going on in my attic room. Ideally, they would have had something with a cabin theme with moose and fish things going on, maybe some flannel. They had an ersatz painted glass lamp that might have made the cut but but it was too dark and threw no usable light at all. If I didn’t want useable light, I would tape a flash light to the cat and toss a handful of kitty treats on the floor. Not useable, but certainly entertaining. That they had covered. When I told the clerk what I was looking for he told me he thought the light up Globe was the brightest lamp they had. That would have been great if I was eleven and a geek. Why do they make lamps that don’t throw useable light? why do they make lamps that aren’t lamps. They make them and they end up at Poverty Barn.

I did finally find one that satisfied my light requirement and more or less filled the rustic thing I may be trying for up there.

That meat loaf smell you’re picking up is indeed really meat loaf. Home Made Meat Loaf made in my very own home with my very own hands. Mr. Nice Neighbor had a stroke last week. He and his wife are such nice people and it’s so sad that this happened to them. So I made them some meat loaf. I made two, one nice one for them using brand new shredded meat and one using the shredded meat of indeterminate origin that has been in my freezer for um, an indeterminate period of time.

Good news! The Loaf Of Indeterminate Origin is actually good! It isn’t nearly as much like two day old birthday cake as my last loaf and I don’t seem to have food poisoning yet! The gift loaf looks okay. I hope they like it.

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!!!

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!

Dear Mr. Moonves…


Dear Mr. Moonves,

You dickless wonder.

Okay. Trying again. You want someone to read it and end up on an enemies list somewhere and not be able get a passport or something. You want this to be read not summarily thrown away.

Dear Mr. Moonves

You craven little man

Dial it back.

Dear Mr. Moonves,

Did one of ex-wives get your balls as part of a settlement?

Try again. Remember you aren’t a crazy person. You want to be taken seriously.

Dear Mr. Moonves,

Did you learn nothing from the Smothers Brothers debacle? Do you even remember the Smothers Brothers debacle? Do you think that history has shown that to have been a good programming decision?

Better. Keep going.

CBS just televised its 75 anniversary hand job

Watch it.

CBS just televised its 75 Anniversary special, congratulations on being at the helm of the network at such an exciting time, it must be wonderful to have a front row seat to world history and knowing that you have an hand in the way that that history will be remembered. As long as it is remembered the way a small, disturbed minority wants it to be.

A little provocative, step back.

Programming a whole network must be very challenging. You can never know that if perhaps you had reworked that cop drama sooner it may have been saved or if you had marketed that sitcom a little more aggressively it might have made it.

Off Topic.

Les you ignorant slut

More flies with honey... Again, you want him to read this. Okay, you want a minion to read it.

I understand that your viewership has dropped off in the last few years and your demographic is not what it could be. You did make the mistake of really going with a lot of Reality Shows right as the bottom was falling out of the genre. And despite the CSI franchise, your demographics are not getting any younger. This is not an excuse let special interests groups make your programming decisions for you. For instance, I hate Survivor. I really, really, really hate it – and it is still on the air. I hate it and its still on the air. See? You do have the ability to ignore special interest groups.

Moonves , you craven, right wing pawn!

Moonves you craven right wing pawn. Do you think you are serving the principles this country was founded on? Do you think our soldiers are dieing everyday to protect a theocracy controlled by fundamentalist zealots? How dare you do this while America is fighting to put down this very type of government. How many of our armed forces are going to die this week alone to protect our democratic ideals?

Not that your friends in the administration care about democratic ideals.

CBS has worked very hard for a very long time to establish its integrity. You have removed all traces of that. CBS was once a proud leader in programming. This network as brought to the American public some of the most outstanding dramas ever to be televised, sadly those days are in the past.

Boycott! Boycott! Boycott!

You are a hack Mr. Moonves. You can’t apologize, you can’t take it back, you cannot undo what you have done to America.

Screw you!

Again, nice idea bad presentation

Commie Bastard!!!

Sigh.

Yours in Christ,

Lightning will strike you dead. Try again.

Love

Puh-leese

Sincerely a member of a very attractive and sought after demographic,

Good.

I am not alone in my outrage!

Boycott CBS



Today’s rant is brought to you by CBS. I am ranting about how CBS knuckled under to the Cult of Reagan and the jackbooted Republican Brown Shirts and their Thought Police. And I am calling for a boycott of advertisers of CBS. I did a google search thinking that someone else must be just as outraged at their gutless genuflecting to the COR and the JRBS and the TP as I am – there were a lot of boycotts 61 pages of references to boycotts against CBS. At one time or another the Muslims, the Hispanics, the White Power thugs and several groups really mad at Dan Rather have all threatened CBS their advertisers, employees and venders with boycotts. The COR has been very vocal about That Movie. Did you now that there is a Cult Of Reagan? I bet they all go to their Khristan Mega Churches on Sundays and then go home and practice their dark COR arts. They worship him. I hate Ronald Reagon.

Reagan was and is ignorant, bigoted, mean spirited and crass. The fact he has Alzheimer’s does not diminish or excuse his evil works. Alzheimer’s happens to the rich and the poor, the evil and the pure, it makes no judgments and it is not a punishment. It does not make a saint into a sinner or a sinner into a saint. Just because he is ill now does not make up for a lifetime of bad acts. He and his version of the GOP set race relations in the country back by decades. He is the reason there is so much polemics about Liberals. He did this. He is, was and ever shall be malevolent.

He and his minions went into the churches and told them that if the democrats ever came to power in any capacity, they the Good Khristians would go to hell. That everything they held sacred would be outlawed and they would be pushed underground. Only Good King Reagan could save them. And they believed him. He validated every racist, sexist, homophobic mouth breather in the country. He empowered every loser who felt he wasn’t getting ahead because some woman or minority had a better job or more education then he did. He and his followers told White Men that they were victims of the Civil Rights Movement and women’s fight for equality. That anything good for anyone else was bad for them. That anyone who wasn’t like them was going to ruin their lives and upend the status quo. Also, the commies were coming to take their women and eat their dawgs.

I only watch two shows on CBS. I’m not going to stop watching, I’m not a Neilson Family and it wouldn’t matter. I am going to note who their sponsors are and I am going to write letters to them asking how they can align themselves with such a company. I wrote two mean, nasty emails to CBS about their shameless buckling under to the cultists and oddly I haven’t heard back. Les Moonves is next. I have his address and his fax number. Write him and tell him what you think of CBS .

I know that I can never watch any of their shows from their nightly news to their sitcoms with out knowing that everything I watch has been vetted by the Right Wing. CBS has been tainted and whatever integrity they had has been compromised. They let the ultra right wing decide their programming. What will they let the Right Wing decide next? What will you not be watching? Learning? or Hearing? What voices will be silenced? what issues will not be discussed? What lies are we going to be told? What lies have we all ready been told? We can no longer trust CBS.

Mr. Les Moonves, CEO
CBS-TV
7800 Beverly Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90036
Fax: 323-653-8276

Puppy School, week 2


It rained off and on yesterday just to mock me. It finally made up its mind to stop, and after a rain out last week, we proceeded.

We had a new puppy in class. A pit bull mix. Emphasis on the pit bull part. A real little hellion. I mean people can say what they will about Dogger – at least she doesn’t bite to draw blood and if she does bite it isn’t just because I asked her to sit and the only person she has really put her teeth on is me. The Pitts’ carrying on did get the other dogs attention. The Shepard was all You know, if you want me to, I’ll go tear out that impudent curs throat, I will, two hits, I hit it and it hits the ground. Over. Give me the word and Cujo is part of the pavement, Dogger thought Cujo was having a really good time, Ooo! Can I play! That doggy is dancing the Dance of The Crossing of The Intersection! What moves she has! Lets go play!!! snarling? barking? wait. I can go step on him, okay? the other puppy was just hoping the big dogs didn’t take him out as a warm up.

Today Dogger showed that while she can and will do what she is supposed to, she prefers to not do it for an audience. For the trainer she would sit, but it was sloppy and with bad posture. I didn’t even know she had bad posture. I go tug, tug, tug on the leash and she sits down. I come to a halt, she sits down. For the trainer? Phhht. She did do it, and well, but not in the neat and tidy way she does it for me. My dog at least didn’t bite anyone.

I was again impressed by the Shepard. You can tell that the dog knows that in whatever group of dogs she may be in, that she is the dominate dog. She just is. The other dogs all kind of messed around and play fought with each other, as much as they could on leashes, but they didn’t mess with her. They knew. I’ve really enjoyed getting to pet her and visit. The German Shepard’s I’ve ever been around have all been either police dogs or hardcore guard dogs and neither of those two populations are really all about having people pet their noses and talk baby talk to them. This dog is all ready far and away the star pupil of the class. Dogger is still teachers pet though. Not as smart, but twice as much of a brown noser.

Last time class met we worked on the tug, tug sit thing. This week we did that and added heeling. This is going to be tough for me, I’m going to have to pay attention. He did say we should just be doing it in our drive ways this week, Dogger and I can do that we can do right turns. A lot of right turns. I’ve gotten really lazy with our walks. Both in the taking and the training. She’s been a bitch about the leash climbing too, so we’ve switched back to her short leash. It sucks to walk her with it. I can’t believe that I did for so long. The 6 foot leash rocks.

Heeling is also not the command that I thought it was. I’ve used “heel” with her, not that it works. It’s just yanking on her leash and having her briefly, pull less. She’s a lot better then she used to be with that, “pulling” when she was younger was more “tearing my arm out of socket” and “dislocating my shoulder”. The pinch collar was a God send. But now, ha, ha, but now, she is really used to being pinched. She doesn’t care. So what should be a behavior modifying experience is just pinches her instead of modifying her. Heeling is really getting her to walk beside me on a lose leash and doing it all the time. All. The. Time. We’re going to have to work on that.

Damned if I do, Damaged if I don’t.

Little Red Riding Hoods




My father is in town and I can hear him the in the next room talking to Dogger. I don’t have many conversations with her, we don’t have that much to talk about "So, Dogger, what did you do today? Did you see that story in the paper about that thing that happened at that place to those people? Wasn’t it terrible/wonderful/a PR nightmare?", Dogger looks at me and says "I didn’t eat the cat today. Give me a snack".

I have conversations with Brosky and Alphagals dogs. They are great conversationalists. It may be that I have known them longer and we have more of a history but I don’t have to interrupt myself every few seconds with NO! No! Put That Down STOP it! Ow! No Biting NO! it kind of makes me lose my place and my desire to chat.

My nephdogs on the other hand are perfect. I can have discussions with them about things other then what’s for dinner or what room mate they did not eat today, although they both tend to turn the conversation to dinner an awful lot. The big dog lies about eating. He will suck his little cheeks in and whine like he didn’t just eat his dinner and the dinner of the little anorexic dog." I’m a Poor Pathetic Dog, and I am starving", so I say "Oh, you poor pathetic, starving dog! I will feed you. What a nice boy!". Liar Dog. Good thing he is such a handsome dog, you have to be really good looking to get away with that kind of shit.

Dogger is also a very attractive dog. I think she suffers from the Pretty Girl Syndrome. She knows that her good looks are going to open doors and boxes of snacks for her so she really doesn’t bother with getting smarter or staying up on current events. She doesn’t have to, she’s pretty.

She is enrolled in Puppy School and I am hoping that this will open her mind to education and self improvement. I think she’s hoping it will open boxes of snacks. I am afraid she is just going to shame herself. The Puppy School instructor was very excited about her, sigh, class got rained out last week and I know I didn’t drill enough on the one skill we did learned. She is sitting on command, more or less but that wasn’t the skill. It was tug, tug, tug on the lose leash and sitting. We did that, she did that. And then. And then it got dark and I lost my daylight . Now I have to rush around just to get Dogger on a walk by 5 pm. Sigh. We can’t walk and drill and get back before it gets dark. Even with a big dog, I’m not walking in my neighborhood in the dark.


How did Halloween work for ya’ll? Get many kids at your door? I got two groups, actually, one kid and one group. I even dressed up! I was all dressed and ready to go, and the kids were ready to trick or treat in a different neighborhood. I have enough individually wrapped, snack sized bags of pretzels to start my own airline. I would take them to work but health care workers would eat their own hands if you dipped them in chocolate – and they would eat that before they ate anything as healthy as pretzels. They all know the risks associated with living forever and they have no intention of doing so. I’m not going to eat them and they won’t get eaten at work either. Anybody want a bunch of individually wrapped, snack sized pretzels?

I put a lot of thought into my costume for this year. Last year I was really cute but it was hard to keep myself motivated between door bells. I eventually took most of it off and then had to rush to get myself put back together and then I don’t think anyone noticed I was dressed up anyway. Maybe in their worlds grown women dress in red velvet opera cloaks casually. Maybe they knew somehow that I had no heat. Maybe little red riding hood doesn’t live in this neighborhood. The hoods who wear red here go by a different name and they are wolves. Grandma doesn’t let anyone into her house. Her grandkids know better then to just show up. Grandma shoots first, checks I.D later.

Love Thy Neighbor



I came home yesterday afternoon and got ready to turn into my driveway. Emphasis on my driveway.

One of the Drug Dealers customers was blocking my drive way. This is not unusual. I do a u-y in the street and by the time I’m back to my drive way the offending vehicle has moved. Sometimes.

Most of the time I do the u turn thing and creep up behind the disobedient car and wait. And creep up closer to their bumper and wait. I am not willing to work any harder then that at getting them to move, I don’t have to. Its my drive way and they are in the way, they can move. I am not going to honk, unless I have to; I hate that sound and besides, it is between me and the offending car not the rest of the neighborhood.

So I creep up on their bumper, hands on the wheel and look at them. Sometimes I look at them and smile in an encouraging and non judgmental way, you are going to move your car, I know you are, you just haven’t yet. Sometimes I look at them and smile in a Hello! I’m here, hello! Move your car, okay? Kind of way. It irks me when I have to Look at them in any way. Because looking at the at the back of some ones head who knows for damn sure they are blocking my drive way and know I am there now and still aren’t trying to move their car really pisses me off. They studiously ignore me. Bastards.

If there isn’t anyone in the car I might tap the horn a little. Sometimes there is a Look Out outside the Drug Dealers house and if I get that persons attention he will go inside and the car will get moved. Not a problem. No harm no foul.

In the case there is a person in the car and they continue to ignore me and the car on their bumper, I start to send Move Your Car NOW vibes. If the simple MYCN vibes aren’t getting the drivers attention I start thinking more vehement MYCN vibes Move Your Car Now Damn It, movemovemoveyourcarnowdamnit. Usually by this time, they will heave a deep sigh ( I watch them get all heave-y) and the car gets moved. Or Not. Heaving a sigh or laughing, I can’t always tell. Bastards.

If they are still not moving the car I may open my window and think out loud, using their maiden tongue Move Your Mutha Fuckin’ Car, Mutha fucka. This doesn’t always work since I whisper.

Then I roll up the window and start shouting Move Your God Damned Car, God Damn it You Mutha’ Fucker. NOWNOWNOWNOW!!!AAAAAHHHHHH while I bang my head on the back of the seat and wave my arms around in a I am very angry, I have Liddy Dole on Speed Dial, mutha fucka way. The sight of the white girl losing her shit in the car has in the past got the driver to move the car because the freaked out white girl might get out of her car and cause a scene that could get one of the elderly neighbors to call 911 because they heard a woman outside screaming obscenities. Or even worse, and far more terror causing, I may call 911 myself, and scream about drug dealers.

After I have lost my shit in the car and the disruptive car is still blocking my drive way, I get out of the car and slam the door very, very hard. It’s bad for the car but it helps me work out aggression.


Yesterday, I was ignored all the way to door slamming. I slammed the door, gave the driver of the shameless car a hard look and stomped up my drive way to look in on my garlic. I was still in the drive way when the Drug Dealer came out roaring out of his house, screaming at the top of his lungs at the car and its obviously malevolent driver Move yo’ Mutha Fucking Car! Move it Right Now!! Move Your Mutha Fucking Car!! Don’t you EVER block that drive way! That lady ( with the cell phone and Tom Ridge on speed dial) lives there! Move your fucking car!!!

My Knight in Shining Kevlar.

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!