Thursday, March 31, 2005

Terri Schiavo has died, may she rest in peace.

more at
The Fifth Horseman of the apocalypse

The juggler.

My doorbell rang last night at 10:45pm. My alarm was on, the porch lights were off and Blind Justice was dithering away on the TV. The Kitty was even asleep. Dogger didn’t make a sound. In her world, if she can’t see you, you don’t matter.


“What?”. I’m sitting there in bed pretending that there is a reality where a blind guy would be given a gun and badge and then do so in New York City - obliviously this was shopped to The Sci-Fi network who turned it down because it was a bit too much Fantasy for them, do to the total bullshitness of the plot – anyway.


I go downstairs and wonder if I should have brought something sharp with me. I also have to think that maybe it’s an emergency and the person has a real need. I feel bad about thinking it must be a bad guy. I remember where I live and I get over it. I start bitching to the unseen botherer “if you need a phone get a damn cell phone, leave me alone”. The alarm precludes me from opening the door so I get ready to talk to the door in the most imposing manner I can muster. I think in general, I pretty much am armed, kind of. Make me open the door, wise guy. Sound and Fury signifying, well, sound and fury and cops and you know, pissed off, scared white girl stuff. Don’t Go There.

I turn on the lights. Getting into character. Loudly, like I have a bat in my hand and I’m going to swing first and ask questions later: “I’m CLOSED. What Do You Want?” I said through the door (Closed? I’m closed? Am I running a business here? Whatever).

”Doyouwantyouryardtrimmedandmowedtomorrow?” mumbled. Central casting sent down a junkie.

It’s a woman. It may be the same woman I gave a quarter to because she was standing in the street keeping my trash can company and regaling it with tales of how much of a not junkie she was. This time there were no “I’m not a junkie I just look, smell and behave like one” boilerplate to her speil.

Again, totally getting into the ass kicking character and now feeling really brave and safe behind my locked door and functioning house alarm. Even I can kick the ass of the average female junkie that occasionally gets lost on my street, especially if I do not have to come face to face with her. And if said street junkie/meth freak is thinking about waking me up and scaring me at a quarter to eleven at night? I may very well kick her ass through my locked and alarmed door. Wake me up and make me miss my show? Beyotch, it is on.

“WHAT?” I said

doyouwantyouryardedgedandmowedtomorrow?” she mumbled again.

She is out of her Gawd Damned mind. I said, “I DO NOT”. I turned off the lights and waited for her to scamper off, or key my car or take a dump on the steps. The last time some junkie looser came to my door at an inappropriate hour was last summer when some junkie loser woke me up at 7am on a Saturday to see if I would lend him a spoon.

You know, I bet they don’t bother the drug dealer with this nonsense. You ring the drug dealers door bell at a quarter to eleven at night and wake the drug dealer up? And he’s likely not to even to bother answering the door - he’s going to shoot at you from his bed or if he’s on the way to the refrigerator anyway, answering the door with a sawed off and a “shoot first ask questions after you’re dead” policy in hand. The drug dealer used to have a big scary guy sitting out in front of his house all the time just to ward off people like that. The look out had a “crush your throat with my bare hands and feed you to the dawgs” door policy in place and it kept out the riffraff. It certainly cut down on the street junkie traffic to my door. I think the drug dealer is trying to look less like a drug dealer now and he doesn’t have the look out sitting on his porch anymore.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

So. You got your Living Will

Now what?

You may find it harder then you expected to find people to sign on as witnesses. You have to go up to them, put the paperwork in front of them and give them a pen. You also have to hope they don’t want to read what they are signing. I mean, what of they don’t agree? What if I ask a co-worker who in their real life is a hard core right wing whack jobs? I have to work with these people and it helps if I don’t hate them. I would soon as not know if they were hard core right wing whack jobs. In my case, I work with bureaucrats; we would sign our own death warrant if you put it in front of us while we were on the phone. Another problem for me if not for you, I work with Health Care Professionals, I don’t want to discuss various diagnosis with them, I don’t want to hear stories of long drawn out death scenes – this is why I have The Will to begin with. I also don’t want to feel in debted to these people anything – I don’t want to become better friends or have them expect some sort of new and improved relationship because they signed it. I just want them to sign it and keep moving. But first I have to work up the courage to ask them to sign it in the first place.

Lunch Buddy would be a perfect candidate for this except Lunch Buddy isn’t here today, or she is and she is here and came in late and I forgot to check if she was here before I went to lunch (bad, bad, Diana) or whatever. She might be ticked that I lunched without her and then I go in and say “Hey, do me a favor? Sign this”, she may not want to or have issues I don’t know about or whatever. There is another person in that office and I could ask her while I ask LB, but then I still have to find person number three and get it notarized – which I can also do here if I can grow the balls to walk down the hall and ask one of the notaries if she will notarize my stuff, again, something I think she would so, I’m pretty sure she signs Living Wills too because she signs them for folks at the Hospital. But that is work related and this is personal. But. But. I have to ask her first and I am just not wanting to do that. I had the nerve to draw up the paperwork to say “Under these circumstances I do not want to live” But I can’t get the nerve up to ask my friends to sign it.

I could, in theory go to a UPS store like the instructions I got with the paperwork suggest, and let them notarized it for me and I’m pretty sure they would sign it to. I’m better at asking strangers for favors then people I know. Hell, I think I signed one for some random person somewhere along the line. It wasn’t a big deal. I could also go door to door on my street, I bet the nice neighbors would sign for me, but I would have to ask…

The Triumph of The Will my ass. Mind over matter, my lack of will v. My Will .

Edited to add – Yay! One down two to go!!

And, Blogger is bluggered. If it wasn’t totally free and easy enough for even me to use? I would so be out of here. But it is free and easy to use and I can afford free - and when a service is free, you have to learn not to look it in the mouth.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Hails' Balls! big, big, hail. Lots of it. Like shards of glass. Freaky.And they didn't even have the good manners to wreak my roof. Posted by Hello
All Washed up

Washing Machines for Dogs
Learning is FUNdemental

I learned that just because the hair squishy is the right color and will look very cute with what I am wearing today, the fact that I got the hair squishy in a happy meal should remove it from my hair squishy wardrobe. If a hair squishy is made for a child, it is not going to fit adult hair. Grown ups have more and thicker hair (or at least they should) than small children who have less thick less plentiful hair, although I have seen children with fairly enormous hair and should not happy meal hair squishys not be made to fitall children’s hair? Should children with enormous hair have to settle for the toddler toys? Are happy meals only for children with tiny amounts of hair and if so, they don’t need hair squishys anyway. I want to know who they used as a model for the hair squishy. And thus let us know who can use hair squishys from happy meals. The fact that it is a Lizzie McGuire hair squishy should have been a major clue as to the size of the hair it was made for, but wait? Isn’t LM played by the 27 year old big haired Hilary Duff? WTF?! Unless the hair squishy in question suffers from hair squishy dwarfism and then it has its own problems and I shouldn’t push it.

Do hair squishys talk to one another? Would they notice that one was smaller then the others? Would they kill it because it was different? I watched a whole show on TLC about a face eating tumor on some poor Indonesian child’s face and how the doctors removed the tumor knowing it would grow back. The little Indonesian children did not try to kill that poor child even though he was host to a face eating tumor, they wouldn’t play with him or his face eating tumor but they didn’t try to kill him and after he was mostly face eating tumor free, they did play with him. Yay little Indonesian children.

Are hair squishys not even as accepting as small Indonesian children? Is that how Dogger gets the hair squishys that she finds? do they jump to their deaths? Is peer pressure a major problem in the hair squishy culture? Do hair squishys have a culture? If so do they have a culture of suicide? Where is TLC on that one? . I should have just waited for the Sex and The City DVD release hair squishy, but SITC probably wouldn’t have hair squishys, SITC would have vibrators or little tester bottles of Cosmos and the happy meal would cost more then $2.43, which would not make me happy about my meal.

Another thing I learned, If you steal my parking place, it makes me mad and leads to me stealing some one else’s parking place and that person has to steal some one else’s parking place and down the line until someone goes home and kicks the puppy. It’s a snow ball effect. Some asshat stole my parking place and now some puppy some where is going to get kicked.

This weekend I mowed my lawn for the first time this season. The lawn mowing season officially started on March 26, 2005. It would have started say, April 2, 2005 but the neighbors jumped the gun. My weeds are now mowed, the grass is still dead. I also got to use my fab weed wacker/ edger. It was awesome. I was laughing out loud I was so pleased with it. The guy mowing the neighbors yard just kept looking at me, you know he was thinking “That white girl ain’t right”, but he wasn’t using my fab new weed wacker/edger so he couldn’t know my joy and screw him anyway – he should find such joy in doing his job, I bet he would get a better tip if he laughed out loud every once in a while himself while he was edging a yard. I tried to give him that tip but he wasn’t interested.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Explains it all....

Today is the anniversery of Three Mile Island.

And suddenly... I don't wonder where "We've been attacked by the intelligent, educated segment of the culture," came from! Duh! The guy must have lived down wind from the plant! My family lived up wind, and we all went to college. We all have three arms and extra eyes and we glow in the dark, but we're part of the "educated segment of the culture".
Can “re-education camps” be far behind?

"Christians are a lot more bold under Bush's leadership, he speaks what a lot of us believe," said Mummert. "We've been attacked by the intelligent, educated segment of the culture," he said, adding that the school board's declaration is just a first step.

Yeah. Ya just got to hate those educated and intelligent people! How dare they be all smart and schooled! Ever body should be dumb and unedumacted! Don't no one need all that pansy assed book learn'n and knowlegey stuff. Being stupid is its own reward - and even better, if you are a true Khristan, you have to be a moron, the only things you need to know about the world, you learn at church from the preacher who learns all he needs to learn about the world from FAUX news and passes that along to his flock who take it as gospel who then hang around outside hospices threatening to kill the people they feel are in the way of a brain dead woman's "life".

Because education isn't Khristan and any Christian who bothers to learn something outside the confines of the bible isn't a good Khristan, because according to Mr.Mummert, we are supposed to be idiots! Christians shouldn't be educated!a "good" Christian is a dumb Christian. We can thank George W. Bush for that and all those people. Dumb person = Bush Voter.

go here for the rest of the story. Stolen part and parcel from Atrios
Think Happy Thoughts

Earthquake measuring 8.2 reported off coast of Indonesia on same fault line as quake that caused December’s deadly tsunami. Details soon.

full story here

Woo-Hoo! Three day weekend Baybee! Whooooo! Yeah, that’s right. I partied. I Partied Hearty.


The big fun started in the morning when I was awoken by what sounded like a helicopter trying to land on my roof. There is nothing like trying to figure out why there is a helicopter landing on your roof when you’ve been awake for two minutes. It really helps break up the old morning routine. It turned out the jack booted thugs were not not coming for me and the helicopters were not trying to land on my roof. It certainly sounded like they were, they were only up their circling 12 feet off my roof for a better part of half an hour. I hope they found who they were looking for. Still, ask not for whom the helicopters circle, the helicopters circle for thee. Or someone else. Or they were just buzzing a girlfriend. Or Junior was just out making donuts in the parking lot of the sky. I saw a cop later and asked what the deal with the helicopters had been and he said that the Raleigh police don’t even have a helicopter and it might have been the highway patrol. Its good to see that law enforcement keeps each other up on each others man hunts. I like to see that level of cooperation between police entities. Its comforting. Its nice to know they are so helpful to each other and that one would not bother to tell the other when they had to send a helicopter out after some evil doer, what if it was an evil doer that the local police knew? Maybe they could have just gone and woke him up instead of the whole neighborhood... And I’m even more glad that they woke me up so early in the morning. On my day off.

Lets see. TNT knows drama but it also knows Judging Amy, which they should know is drek. TNT knows drek. Fortunately for me while HGTV also knows drek, it does not know Judging Amy, HGTV is my friend. I was thinking about going to the mall when I was thinking about how to spend a three day weekend, I didn't go to the mall. I went to the Wal-Mart, you can’t buy leg wax at the mall you can at Wal-Mart and you while you are there, can get a roll of film developed with 18 different shots of your cat looking at you with out exhibiting any facial expressions whatsoever plus five photos of a very pretty tree fungus also looking at you with out much facial expression.

Later,after the Wal-Martpalooza, I went to my neighborhood seafood take out place and heard a man say that if “Teri Shievo was black this wouldn’t be happening”. Then he noticed my white self sitting there and he decided that maybe it wasn’t a race based thing after all. I told him it wasn’t a black/white thing it was a delusional thing and if the delusional family in question was black that I’m sure they would found someone to fund their craziness and that funding would have lead to the same level of insanity and delusional behavior but with more crazy people in dashikies milling around and less in bedazzled sweatshirts.


I made an unsupervised visit to DSW and spent less on two pairs of shoes then I would have on one pair in a full price show store. I bought the one pair because it was 80% off $79.80 and I was really pumped about owning shoes that once cost $79.80. I might not even wear them but damn it, I got them for 80% off retail!


I went to Mass, picked up a frozen pizza for Easter Dinner and made Dog cookies. I also rented Flight of the Phoenix. The born again’s watched The Passion, I watched a movie about a plane that crashed, yet flew again, I saw a lot of similarities in the plots but with 23% less flogging in Phoenix.

Sunday, March 27, 2005


Saturday, March 26, 2005


Friday, March 25, 2005

Friday Cat Blogging! Posted by Hello
Good Friday.

Thursday, March 24, 2005


Florida Pinellas-Pasco Circuit Judge George Greer on Thursday denied a petition of the state Department of Children and Families -- and Gov. Jeb Bush -- to take Schiavo into state custody.

U.S. Supreme Court rejects Schiavo parents' appeal


...On the Florida front, Pinellas-Pasco Circuit Judge George Greer has said he will rule by noon Thursday on the latest effort by Florida officials to intervene in the case.
Long Weekend

I don’t know about ya’ll but here in the peoples theocracy of North Carolina, I get Good Friday off. So while you’re working all day, I’m going to sleep late and then probably spend much of the day in front of the TV.

Well. I could but even I see that as being wasteful. I think I’m going to wash Minnie and maybe give the yard its inaugural mowing or I could spend Friday at the mall. I haven’t been to the mall in a dogs age and it’s full of things I didn’t know about and I didn’t know I wanted; or maybe I’ll go to the movies. There was something I was going to see when it came out a few weeks ago but then I didn’t see it and now I can’t remember what it was, I hate that. Miss Congeniality 2 – Look More Cash! opens today, I think but that looks so much like a rental, I don’t see it improving on a big screen and I don’t want spend the money on it. I think it’s a DVD movie, its hard to find the movies I said months before “I think I’ll just rent it when it comes out” amid all the straight to video crap takes up so much space and just makes it hard to find the one or two titles I do want to see – or would want to see if I could remember what they are called who stared in it or the reason I wanted to see it in the first place.

I still have 13 hours of Wonderfalls on the shelve to watch yet, I bought the set because I liked the series and it was good and then it got cancelled after a month and the DVDs have all the episodes filmed – I would watch those but the DVD player is in the living room and I feel guilty leaving Dogger alone in the office when I should be in there with her and No, I don’t want to talk about her non-capacity to lay on the floor and behave herself like a real dog while I’m watching TV.

Speaking of Dogger. Last night when I came home from work, while I was still dieing of my head ache, I didn’t walk her. I could have but then I would have had to kill myself and I decided that a nap would be the better idea. I didn’t want Dogger to spend the entire day in her crate so Dogger got to spend quality time in the downstairs bedroom. It’s bigger then the office and I felt less bad about her being by herself if she could be by herself in a larger room.

I finally recovered, after nap and half an hour under the hot water in the shower, I went and rescued her. She wasn’t there. I was like “How the hell did you get out and where are you now?” She was in the room. She was hiding under the bed! Not sleeping on the nice soft mattress or waiting by the door for her Mama, she was hiding under the bed. She did this hiding under the bed trick twice before she noticed that she was hiding under the bed and there had to be an “over” to the under. Dogger is not a bright animal but she does learn and she does prefer soft to hard. She’s a princess and she has the pink sleeping bag to prove it. Should anyone wonder, have any questions as to whom the baby pink sleeping bag belongs to? It says “princess” all over it, it’s not mine and The Kitty isn’t fooled by sleeping bags. He wants the whole damn bed to himself. Anyone who can see that the pink sleeping bag, most certainly belongs to the 95 pound dog curled up under the desk tearing up the empty paper towel roll. It’s not like she doesn’t have real toys scattered all over the floor, no she wants the toy that she can destroy and make a mess with. She loves her messes.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Ow. Ow. Ow

I have a pounding headache. I took whatever asprin/asprin substitute/painkiller that I carry around in my purse, I ate lunch, I drank soda and damn it if my head pounds on. I blame George W. Bush. If he didn’t hate ‘murica my head wouldn’t hurt. As much.

Actually, I blame my boss. The Big Boss. This morning she asked for a subpoena request, she alluded to the year 2001. I didn’t have it. She said I did have it. I looked through every subpoena I own, and I own a significant number of subpoenas – no go. I went through the chart for the facility the subpoenas was asking for. I couldn’t find it. Big Boss calls back. She has whatever it was - It was on her desk! It never made it to my desk, I didn’t have it yet. I finally get the subpoena. It wasn’t for something that happened in 2001, it was for something in 2003. The subpoena had been on her desk since March 1. I can’t find what I don’t have, I can not lose what never makes it to my office. Makes. Me. Crazy; And even better? The material requested? she got off the computer.

What else?

The Kitty loves me again. He spent Monday evening letting me know he had forgiven me for abandoning him. We watched Weekend Warriors and Cash in The Attic together. Kitty wanted to watch The Daily Show rerun, but I had all ready seen it. Kitty bailed on American Chopper, he like myself could care less about motorcycles and the progressively less and less likable people who build them, but damn if that show isn’t completely addictive. I am helpless in front of it – its almost as hard, but not quite, as hard to pull myself away from American Chopper as it is to pull myself away from Law and Order and I like the people on Law and Order. I think I am totally over Queer Eye now, I watched it a lot when it first aired but the Straight Guys they are finding now are less worthy than they used to be. I think it’s that they went from regular straight guys to nerdy straight guys. I have less sympathy for guys who collect action figures and live in their mothers basements. I don’t care how expensive their haircuts or how much better they dress while collecting action figures, are they still collecting action figures.

Ow.Ow.Ow.Oh. Good. Now they are pounding on the chiller outside my window! That’s just special. It’s supposed to rain, which may be the cause of my headache and now they are pounding outside my window. It’s their fault the chiller is broken. They didn’t properly secure a service door on it and now it’s broken.

Maybe if I take a nap. Do you think they would understand if I put a note on the door and lay down behind the cabinets for an hour or so?


I have a splitting headache. I’m going to lay down for a couple of hours and then go home. If you need anything, fill out a request and put it on my desk and I’ll get to it first thing tomorrow. If you really need something, find it yourself, just step over me. It’s cool.

I doubt this would work though. These people can’t find their collective ass with both collective hands so it’s not likely they could find something like a chart that is filed alphabetically in cabinets complete with little directions taped on them. People are stupid.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Culture This, Tom Delay

Dear LegalZoom Customer,

Your Living Will/Health Care Power of Attorney order has been
completed and will be sent to you via First Class mail per your

I'm taking control of my death before the RNC does. Our bodies, our deaths - what are these repthuglican monsters going to try to take out of our hands next?
Home Sweet Home

I missed The Kitty while I was dog sitting. I missed my little furry bed warmer. Thanks to the dogs, I didn’t have to miss him while I was watching TV, but I did miss having him purr in my ear during commercials. The dogs don’t purr.
At night, I did not miss The Kitty in his White Noise machine mode. I didn’t have to. There was no noise to white out. There were no fire trucks, police sirens, ambulances, car horns, rap music, drag races, mini motorcycles or impromptu street dances. It was silent.It was also dark. The neighbors turned their lights off at 10pm. I was like “Gee, shouldn’t you leave your lights on for a little longer? I mean, if you turn them off too early “they” might think you’re asleep all ready” or whatever rational is used as to why you Must Keep Your Porch Lights On; along these same lines, very few Burglar Alarm signs in yards. I guess the deer aren’t going to break in and if they do, they aren’t afraid of the cops – who by dint of the neighborhood being located behind robin hoods barn, couldn’t get there fast enough to scare them off anyway. Another thought while I was enjoying the silence, no fire station. I’ve lived with in shouting distance of fire stations for years. They make a lot of noise but I feel very secure in knowing that if my house is burning down they can see the smoke from the station. I also missed having the paper delivered to my doorstep. I forgot what a bummer it can be to have to go search for the paper in the morning. I opened the door and the paper wasn’t where it was supposed to be! I was like “excuse me? I have to walk clear out to the end of the drive way? The Hell you say?”

I wondered what The Kitty was doing while Dogger and I were gone. I didn’t see any tell tale torn up paper or broken china or rearranged video tapes or Dogger shaped voodoo dolls lying about. I came home Saturday so that I could do laundry and The Kitty didn’t seem to notice or care I was there until I vacuumed in a room he wasn’t in and he made a big show of hiding under my bed. He even took his time eating the food I left out and he didn’t spill his water, he didn’t even leave cat bombs around. He did whatever he does when I’m gone. He didn’t make like kitty fly paper when I got home as he has done in the past. He didn’t behave like he was unusually anxious or upset. I left his little butt alone for three days and he didn’t care. Much.

He cared enough though that last night he ran around all night long celebrating! I think it was celebratory running around. I don’t really know if he was happy to see me again or if he was punishing me for coming back. He eventually stopped his celebrating/punishing, it could go either way with him, about five minutes before my alarm went off.

He didn’t used to like it if I left him even briefly- the first time I was going to leave him alone at night; he shat on my bed before I had even left the house. He punished me if I went to the store or checked the mail or dumped the trash. Subsequently, he developed into a very good traveler. I think in a past life he was a trucker or a cab driver. The Kitty wants to see the USA in his Chevrolet. He has chilled out, ands gasp. matured. I left him for two weeks while I went on vacation and he didn’t shat on my bed at all. He may very well prefer me gone. I don’t think it really bothered him that he was on his own this weekend until his food dish was empty and by that time I was home.

I did miss him, the dogs give lousy facials.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Don’t Let It Happen To You

Four Words - Get.A.Living.Will . Are you “too young?” no, you’re not. Terri Schiavo is 39, fifteen years ago she was 24 24!! She assumed she was too young. She wasn’t. You are not “too young”. You are never “too young” to end up in a coma, a “persistent vegitative state”, brain dead. Hell, if you are young, chances are you’re still active enough to hurt yourself, you also could have a heart attack, a stroke, fall off your skate board, run your bike into a light pole, get shot by a bad guy, wreak your car, trip over your kids toys and take a header into the fireplace mantle… If you are over 18 you can and should get a living will. You can protect yourself from Tom Delay or a religious hospital, or your own grief stricken family or anyone else who would try to speak for you. While you still can: Speak for yourself!

I am also “too young”. I have one as of now.

Here are some links to sites where for very little investment you can make sure that your wishes are followed. It is also a good idea to name a Power Of Attorney ( finanacial), and a Healthcare Power of Attorney - These are the people your Doctors will be talking to when they can no longer talk to you. Choose wisely and make sure they know what your wishes are, also make sure that the Living Will is somewhere they can find it in an emergency, a copy should be on file with your doctor and you should also make sure you give copies to your family. If the very worst happens, don’t make the people you love have to make this decision, let them know what you want and make it clear but have it in writing.

Still a little confused? Chicago Tribune Why you should get a Living Will.

What is a Living Will? Explanation of Living Will

Where To Get A Living Will

Legal Zoom Fill in the blanks, very black and white. Nice easy to use site.

Law Depot More personalized, more questions. More choices.

Legal Docs Living Will documents by state. - Cheapest, no questions, just a form. No bells, no whistles.
Under Bush, Rich folks got more Right To Life than...

Poor folks. Now, how does this case differ substantially from the Shavio carnival? In one or two, very important ways. What would they be?

Total disclosure. I worked at a nursing home around people who were brain dead. In both cases the families choice to pretend the residents were sleeping a lot or just very, very, very, very, very, very, deep in thought. The families played dress up with the residents every day and in one case, enrolled in one in kindergarten. This did not give them a quality of life, this made them into toys. How does the RNC have both the Death penalty and perverse worship of life signs as its tent polls? How can you support the death penalty - causing the death of a healthy, alive , fully operational person and fight so hard to keep a marginally living person functioning mechanically? how can the RNC claim to be pro-life when they clearly are not? doesn't everybody have a Right To Life?

from and Atrios
Home away from home

Flea and Tick collars for people. Why isn’t this a reality? Why are they not marketed for people? We don’t lick ourselves nearly as much as animals do and they get to be protected with heavy-duty pesticides. If you bite us do we not itch? If you burrow under our skin insert your jaws into our flesh do we not find you and get grossed out? We get nothing and we don’t have the protection of fur in our favor either. We are just great big all you can eat cafeterias for those little monsters.

And so now that you are your own little ecosystem you may want to change the habitat and make that fauna more water based and less you based. This may occur to you after you have tossed a few little tick families to the curb and have begun to think about top spotting yourself next month and thinking “Boy! I sure do need a shower Right Now!” Now imagine if you are away from home. You will learn that the controls on your shower are completely intuitive and the easiest to understand, best designed shower controls on the planet, but that everyone else lives with shower controls seemingly designed and drawn up by Dali and built by Rube Goldberg.

It is a distinctly humiliating moment when you come to the point when you have to admit defeat to a chrome handle. I have to wonder what chamber of horrors they send shower control designers to in order to bring them to the point where they design a system that is engineered to make sure you must take a bath. It’s all about form over function with those design Nazis. If it looks good it doesn’t have to work. They all assume that these fixtures will photograph beautifully in Italian Architectural Digest and are such works of art that it doesn’t matter they don’t function, they look so good! If they do a really good job at making the controls impossible to understand and counter intuitive, they can market it as “specially designed for your guest bath”. I really find it relaxing to stand naked and chilly in the bathroom trying to figure out how to make water come out of the shower nozzle. There is nothing less conductive to relaxation then having to crack open the bathroom door after spending fifteen minutes struggling with the tap and hollering at your host to have them come and turn your shower on for you while you stand there trying to make small talk with your host while clutching the shower curtain around yourself and agreeing with your host that you will be certainly be dinning out on this story for years! .

If your hosts are unavailable or hiding from you and working on their humorous essay submission for Italian Architectural Digest, don’t even bother trying to get the pets of the household to help you out with this. They’ll just get you confused. They don’t think its in their best interest to teach you about how the shower works because they think that once you learn the scales will be lifted from your eyes and the next thing they know, they’ll be plopped into the tube and wind up smelling of wild botanicals and having prissy, easy to style coats. Dogs are too butch for deep conditioning.

I discovered that after all these years with the nephdogs that I never knew that they were such early risers. Dogger thinks the day doesn’t dawn until I wish her a good morning and take her out to pee, it could be 11:00am, it doesn’t matter, I am the dawn. The Nephdogs rise with the false dawn and yodel greetings to it, starting at about 2am. I haven’t been awake this early in the morning over a weekend since The Kitty was The Kitten and he thought as long as it was daylight somewhere that we all needed to get up and celebrate the new day together. The Kitten was lucky then and the Nephdogs lucky this weekend that none of them ended up “some where” over the rainbow.

Sunday, March 20, 2005


Saturday, March 19, 2005


Friday, March 18, 2005

New fangled snow domes

might be too large for my shelves...

Wetlands, Wet Streets, Wet grass…

It can stop raining now. It can stop misting, drizzling and pouring on us as as well. The wet stuff can feel free to stop falling from the sky. We. Get. It.

Yesterday on Doggers walk I got tsked at – for walking my dog in the rain. Dogger wasn’t too upset by it, she doesn’t love the rain but she loves being stuck inside even less. She deals. She’s smart that way. I was getting soaked and was cold but she was fine. I still got tsked at. The man who tsked at me said he took his dog for a long walk yesterday knowing it was going to rain for the next few days and if I was a good dog owner I would have done the same. This from a man whose dog lives outside! True the dog lives in an enclosure that would put even Jim Bakers dogs to shame, but still outside and he gives me crap about my walking my dog in the rain. Whatever.

Did you have a good St. Patrick’s Day? Did you remember to wear green? I did. Not that anybody noticed, but I did, almost the only person I saw all day wearing green was the lone guy down in the secretaries suite. He was wearing a green dress shirt and a green tie. He looked like the Jolly Green Temporary. I stayed in my office and filed and boxed up purged documents. The few other people that came to my office were dressed in black. What unfun losers!

I’ve had a change of plans nephdogs wise. I said they were coming to me but now I’m going to them. It just seemed to make more sense. After all the rain we’ve got in the last week the wetlands are soaked and I really wasn’t looking forward to putting any dogs back there much less three dogs and being stuck in the house with all three dogs and a very nervous kitty all weekend – just wasn’t sounding like it was going to shape up to be a good time. I’m going to leave The Kitty at my house though, he has been ill and I don’t want to tax him further then I have to and since he all ready finds Dogger very taxing, I hate to think about what form of torment he would take out for forcing him to share space with even more dogs. Health issues also come into play with Little nephdog as well. He is a poor eater as it is and he’s not going to eat better with his people gone and I can see him eating even less in a strange house. Dogger is not going to love living in the garage for the weekend, but I think that the promise of the huge back yard and the opportunity to play there with the Big nephdog will soften the blow. The two big dogs can slop around in the yard all weekend while the Little nephdog and hang out on the futon and watch TV inside in the warmth and the dry. Brosky has promised me that Little nephdog will live through the weekend. I have no problem running Camp Knotty Pine, I do draw the line at operating Aunt Cookies Dog Hospice.

Since I’m not going to be at home I’ve suddenly got a shit load of stuff to do tonight. I have to get Doggers and my stuff gathered up and packed up, get the garbage and the recycling out to the curb, inform The Kitty of the changes in plans and try to read his mind as to what he’s going to destroy as punishment for me leaving him alone in the house for the whole 18 hours between when I leave for Brosky and Alphagals and when I come back to feed him.

Have a Great Weekend.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Take Note

For couples,The second anniversary is the paper anniversary, I guess you give cards to one another or exchange TROs, whatever works for you. When we mark the second anniversary of a war we exchange invites to vigils. To find a vigil near you go here.

Spring comes in like a…

The lion turned out to be a lion in sheep’s clothing – a big wet blanket, a wet blanket made of wool so its really cold and drippy and gross. A blanket with out any wick. No wicking away of water here. We’re all going to die from pneumonia.

Yep. Its still raining. It was raining when I took Dogger out this morning, it was raining when I went to lunch and now it’s still raining. I’m sure its going to rain for the rest of the week. It’s not going to snow, Weather Bastard! Snow you can work with. Snow is cold it’s not wet; snow doesn’t soak your clothing when you are out in it. Most importantly, I can put Dogger in the yard while it’s snowing and not fear a visit from the dog police – things are prettified by snow, rain makes things muddy, snow is tidy – if you track snow into your house it melts into water, if you track mud into your house it dries into dirt. Dirt is not invisible . Snow kills bugs dead, rain nourishes bugs. If it had been snowing has long as it had been raining today, I would all ready have gone home.

The rain is sucking the will to work right out of me. I’ve been working like a son of a bitch for the past two weeks. I’m all caught up, my office is tidy and I’m catching up on all the little jobs I’ve been neglecting because I’ve never had time to do them. I’m shocked with myself and kind of proud – not now though, today I spent way too much time with my split ends. I have totally been neglecting my split ends and they are taking over! Good thing for this rain and subsequent lethargy or they would have totally gotten out of control!

Speaking of rain. Dogger missed her walk yesterday and today she’s really going to need to get out and stretch her doggy legs. Dogger doesn’t like to do her stretching or much of anything else in the rain. It’s not going to stop raining.

Me – Hey Girl Dog!
Dogger – Mama!
Me – Lets go outside!
Dogger – Lets stay inside!
Me – Time for wee!
Dogger – Enormous Bladder!
Me –No. We’re going outside
Dogger – Its. Raining.
Me – No its not!
Dogger – These ears are good for more than housing mites. You don’t think I’m hearing what’s going on?
Me – Walky!
Dogger – Lie down on carpet and chew on bone-yes?
Me - Out, out!
Dogger – I had a bath this week. I’m good.
Me – Just around the corner?
Dogger – You’ve gone around the bend.
Me – Cookie?
Dogger – They don’t make enough cookies.

Dogger didn’t get her walk yesterday because The Kitty and I were at the vet. The appointment was a five and through some miracle, I was actually there at 5pm. Go me. I didn’t get seen until 5:45 and I wasn’t out of there until twenty after six. The conclusion was, The Kitty is better, not well, but better and the only thing to make sure what’s wrong with him would be physically uncomfortable for him while be being financially uncomfortable for me. The vet didn’t give me any new meds yay! But said if The Kitty has any change in condition that I need to bring him back and he’ll start him on steroids. He also told me why The Kitty is so big, he’s fat, yes, but he’s huge because he was fixed so young. He was all “yay! Controlling the unwanted pet population!” but “Boo. Four weeks old is too young to fix a cat. Yes, he lived through the procedure, but it was done when he was too young”. It makes the cats bigger then they would be and causes them to gain weight and cats fixed young tend to develop “insulin absorption issues”. He’s pretty sure that Kitty might have “insulin absorption issues”, but he and I are not going to go there. Kitty’s pre-existing post surgical weight gain problem wasn’t helped either because when The Kitty was still The Kitten, he was on steroids for a food allergy and that made him even fatter and gave him life long ‘roid rage.


Ad – Here comes the sleet! Lalala here comes the sleet and I say, its all ice,lalalala

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Why is this our business?

A bipartisan group of U.S. senators condemned the killing of a Northern Ireland man after meeting Wednesday with his sisters and fiancee.

And why after all these years and all of the deaths are we now all concerned about it? one death? there have been thousands over decades. This sudden attention to Northern Ireland is so disingenuous. Who brought those women here? And do those women think for one minute that Shrub actually cares about nonbrown, Christian terrorists? Hell No! Shrub loves Christian terrorists, the Christian terrorists in this county are his base. If he started to bring the hammer down on Christian terrorists in this country he would have to go after the crazed right to lifers, and ten commandment cultists and the right wing militias, and he isn't going to do that.

full story here

The China Club
268 West 47th Street
(BTW Broadway & 8th AVE)

Doors Open @ 10PM
$95 BOTTLES of Moet &
$125 Bottles of Grey Goose All Night

Dress Code: Super Chic & Trendy, Jeans are ok if worn in good taste, no sneakers

How do I get on these lists? "$125 Bottles of Gray Goose all night"? whp brags abput charging peopel $125 for a bottle of( face it) wine and then doing so All Night Long!? Who are they paying to promote this place? "Hell yeah, man, I invited everybody . Literally". When has "Super chic and trendy" been in good taste? I'm sure they will be thrilled to have me show up. "Hi! I'm from NC! Hook me up, Yo".
World Bush?

President Bush to name Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz as his choice to head World Bank, senior administration official tells CNN. Details soon.

Okay, Bono, step up.
In The Loop

In an effort to keep all of you out there in the suburbs of The Dianaverse up on what’s going on in the city center, even though you’ve never asked and could probably care less. I present “This Week In The Dianaverse”.


In addition to all kinds of file related curb busting at work and a phone call on Friday from our CMS lawyer telling me I am a filing rock star – not much. I file and purge some documents. Wheeeee. The fun never stops. Later, after I get home and after I walk the dog, feed the dog, feed the cat, clean the cats box, figure out what I’m wearing to work on Tuesday and heat up dinner… I mix, kneed, roll out and produce four dozen bright green clover shaped dog cookies, bathe Dogger, tidy the bathroom from its weekly Dog bathing hosing, replace Doggers bedding, launder the old bedding and the dogs wet bath towels ( no wet towels gathering mold in my washing machine for me! (This week)) I go on torment The Kitty, empty the dishwasher and run another load, Man, that’s a lot of work. To recover I watch something on TLC that says its about medical malpractice revolving around surgical instruments being left in patients but in practice is really about a haunted trailer house and the stupid white people who live there. It also scares this white person. I am more scared than they are and they are waking up with bloody claw marks and seeing ghosts! Eddie Murphy was right, black people would never have stayed in that hell hole. White people are stupid. I ended up the evening falling asleep watching CSI-Miami Vice.


File, File, File. Boss pokes head in door and notifies me that Lunch Buddy’s sun got a face full of hockey stick and LB will be late. I dance the hora and know that he’s 13 and just got his first sports related injury so Today He Is A Man. Later on, Lunch Buddy not as amused as I am, does not want to dance the hora with me. Those wacky Presbyterians! In the email came this

Severe Weather Awareness Week is March 13 - 19, 2005. In observance of this week, the North Carolina statewide severe weather/tornado drill will be held on Wednesday, March 16, 2005. The Dix campus (Council, Broughton, and Lineburger buildings) has prepared to participate in the statewide severe weather/tornado drill. The offices at Asheville, Black Mountain, and Greenville will participate on a different date. Thank you --Your Safety Committee

Should I go see if Hallmark™ makes cards for this? Is it a gift exchange thing or just a card exchanging holiday? It’s nice to know when we are going to be drilled on our storm preparedness, so good of them to give us advanced notice so we can study up on our “Close office door, bring purse, stand around in hall way until all clear is given” skills. I’m going to have to cram for this; it may be an all nighter.

After that email came this one

The new telephone books have been delivered. Please stack your old phone books neatly near the side of the Quality Control office. New phone books are on the opposite side of the all.

I would have never guessed that the stacks of new telephone books by the door were indeed, new telephone books, and I would have never been able to tell that the stacks of old phone books were actually Old Phone Books . Gosh, I’m glad they keep us in loop like that.

After work, Kitty has another vet’s appointment. Kitty is better but not yet over what ever he has. I’m not going to okay any more meds. He’s tired of them and so I am, whatever is wrong with him is not going to be healed by more meds – I am also not going to let them charge me a fortune for X-rays. He’s feeling better, running around, not spending all day in the john and is not constantly eating anymore. He’s eating; he’s just doing other things too, like reading and scrap booking.


I’m not psychic. I’m hoping I get up, get dressed, feed/toilet the animals and make it to work in time for the drill.


Not one but two St. Patrick’s Day parties! Woo-Hoo! The Democrats are going to cry into their green beer and Broskey and Alphagal are hosting a get together at a bar down town.


The Nephdogs are coming! The Nephdogs are coming! The boys are spending the weekend at Aunt Cookies while their Broskey and Alphagal celebrate their 10 year anniversary in dog free solitude on the beach.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Here, lamby lamby, lamb...

The Lion has got to go.

If anyone is looking for gift ideas for me or curious about what to get me for my birthday - I want this
Raining Cat Spas

The other night it rained. Hard. As I was lying awake listening to the ancient shingles on my roof being beaten to death – I thought about how nice the rain sounds in the morning. At night the rain keeps me awake.

While I was deciding whether I was going to start inspecting the attic for leaks, or try again to sleep, I went to the futon and bonded with The Kitty. Actually, I went to the futon and used The Kitty like a pillow until he woke up and realized how cooperative he was being of it and got out of the pillow business. It’s a shame, his girth and bunny like fur makes him an outstanding pillow. Anyway, before he bailed on me. I was laying there on The Kitty and thinking about the roof being punched full of holes, I decided to think less about the roof and more about The Kitty Spa. I mean, the world does not need a Dog Spa

Okay! This is Max and he is going to worship you until 3:30! whatever. Take your low self esteem to Hazeldon all ready and get over it. A cat will pay attention to you only when the cat wants to, you have to deserve the cats attention. All dogs are whores.

Cats on the other hand This is Fluffy. He's going to ignore you till he wants dinner. Feed him. I tried to imagine how I would staff the spa. Cats, I think, would not make the best employees, some how I don’t see them really enjoying the service industry. Most likely, I would be looking for kittens or very elderly, sedentary cats. I think it would take a lot of interviews and meetings with applicants to really be able to successfully staff the place. I see a very in-depth questionnaire for the cats and kittens to fill out, with questions about their kneading habits, are they declawed and if not, length of claws and regularity of clipping? What is their take on the cat-human relationship? There would be personal questions re: how much they groom themselves and how often they groom others, and the incidents of fur balls. Do they have cat breath and are they open to breathe fresheners. There would also be a section on how they feel about being picked up carried around and what is their view on the Cats as Free Weights debate? And how they feel about staying in one place for an extended period of time, say functioning as a heating pad.

I would have one group of cats that really like making biscuits. These are guys who would knead the couch cushions when there isn’t a person around. I would have our guests hide packets of catnip under their clothing and lie on the table and have the cats make biscuits on the guests cat nip fortified “trouble areas”. I think a herd of 9 pound cats getting themselves stoned while settling on your lower back and kneading it for forty five minutes would be heaven. I think this would really get the kinks out and relax the client. After the kneading there would be the Warm Cat treatment. In this treatment, differing from the Hot Stone technique used in non-cat friendly environments, we would use several now very stoned sleeping cats arranged on the client to best bring about relief from their stiffness and stress. And because we would be a full service spa, other less stoned but still immobile cats would purr through out the session to add a hypnotic white noise feature onto the Warm Cat treatment.

We would also have a skin refreshing option. In this treatment, after the client rinsed their faces in designer tuna brine, specially trained cats would perform micro-abrasion on the clients by grooming their faces and necks.

Once I got the spa staffed I would have to decide how to best serve our clientele. It goes with out saying our clients would be cat people, so I wouldn’t have to waste time on cat allergy whiners or people with cleanliness fetishes and issues with the added texture of cat hair in their meals.

I think it could work.

Monday, March 14, 2005

!@#$%^&* Blogger

It won't let me edit! arrrggghhh.
Shouldn't the FCC be protecting our delicate sensiblities from propaganda?

"Thank you, Bush. Thank you, U.S.A.," a jubilant Iraqi-American told a camera crew in Kansas City for a segment about reaction to the fall of Baghdad. A second report told of "another success" in the Bush administration's "drive to strengthen aviation security"; the reporter called it "one of the most remarkable campaigns in aviation history." A third segment, broadcast in January, described the administration's determination to open markets for American farmers.

The New York Times peice By David Barstow and Robin Stein.

“To a viewer, each report looked like any other 90-second segment on the local news. In fact, the federal government produced all three. The report from Kansas City was made by the State Department. The "reporter" covering airport safety was actually a public relations professional working under a false name for the Transportation Security Administration. The farming segment was done by the Agriculture Department's office of communications.”

There are rules or really, codes that TV stations are supposed to follow concerning airing video produced by outsiders. It is to make sure that what they air is factual and not just some piece of garbage Joe Yahoo sent in as a gag or something that agents of a corrupt administration produced to spread the corrupt administrations message to the people. The rule, as found in the NYTs story, is as follows ”Clearly disclose the origin of information and label all material provided by outsiders This is pretty transparent: If you get outside footage, label it. I think that this means, “tell the audience that it is not something you made and you can not vouch for it’s voracity”, or “if it might be bull shit or propaganda and if you know its bull shit or propaganda be clear that that is what the footage is".

The stations that ran and are running these propaganda films managed to pretend that transparent rule was for other stations or they were just too stupid and lazy to critically analyze the footage or follow the leads provided and create their own story about whatever the suggested topic was. The stations that aired these reports shat on their responsibilities to their viewers and put into question everything that airs on their news programs.

More from The New York Times on the Bush Admins propaganda war againsts the citizens of the United States:

The explanation begins inside the White House, where the president's communications advisers devised a strategy after Sept. 11, 2001, to encourage supportive news coverage of the fight against terrorism. The idea, they explained to reporters at the time, was to counter charges of American imperialism by generating accounts that emphasized American efforts to liberate and rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq.

An important instrument of this strategy was the Office of Broadcasting Services, a State Department unit of 30 or so editors and technicians whose typical duties include distributing video from news conferences. But in early 2002, with close editorial direction from the White House, the unit began producing narrated feature reports, many of them promoting American achievements in Afghanistan and Iraq and reinforcing the administration's rationales for the invasions. These reports were then widely distributed in the United States and around the world for use by local television stations. In all, the State Department has produced 59 such segments.

Librul media my ass. The pundits go on pundit shows and they talk about Bloggers needing to be reigned in and subject to scrutiny? Bull shit. I want to more supervision of local network affiliates. I want to see them get much closer scrutiny of what they air, I don’t mean the airing of boobies or the uttering of swear words, I want some one to be in charge of protecting us from the propagation of propaganda - at least when one of my bloggers tells me that Shrub stomps puppies and tears the heads of kittens - I know what side they’re on. I don’t want to have to wonder who wrote the copy for the guy who tells me about local textile mill closings and college basketball scores and social security changes.

Tired of fake news? go here and complain.

Edited to add, Bush admin sez but everybody does it! Yes, like North Korea, Soviet Russia and Nazi Germany.

Sunday, March 13, 2005


Saturday, March 12, 2005


Friday, March 11, 2005

Because we've all ready solved all the problems in the world

North Carolina proposes "I'd rather be shagging"" licence plates .

It’s the Home Shopping Networks Fault

I was at yesterday at my favorite Chinese place. They have two TVs there, which is not the sole reason I love them, but it helps. This day they were both tuned to CNN as opposed to other days when one is set to FAUX and the other CNN.

This time we had two CNNs to choice from. One was talking about the guy who killed the judges’ husband and mother and the other (the one not muted) was going on and on and on and on and on and on some more about Michael Jackson. He’s on trial for being a pedophile, if you have been under a rock or spend your TV watching time camped out in front of HGTV – which to its credit, is not giving us daily tours of NeverLand Ranch, but, if all goes badly for him, I bet it shows up on Sell This House. Which would be funny.

Anyway. I waited for my food the CNN people were telling us that Jackson was in trouble with the Judge. He was late. The Judge issued a bench warrant and said he would lock Jackson up if he didn’t show in an hour. Okay. So. I was there for about 45 minutes, it was 45 minutes of wall to wall Where!Is!Michael!Jackson!Oh!My!God!11111Its!Teh!Bad! . In CNNs defense they were not playing Bad in the back ground and we were spared hearing Smooth Criminal as well. CNN probably couldn’t get the rights or I’m sure we would have heard it over and over and over and over and over.

By the time I got back to work I think one of the talking heads exploded. This was in my email when I got back; it was time stamped 11:52am was

Michael Jackson trial judge says he'll issue arrest warrant if star doesn't appear in 1 hour. Attorney says Jackson hospitalized.

Watch CNN or log on to for the latest news.

Earlier in the day I got this, time stamped 11:16am

At least 26 killed in a suicide bombing at a funeral for a university professor
in Mosul, Iraq.

Watch CNN or log on to for the latest news

At a quarter after eleven, a bombing in the nation we at war with was the Breaking News, less than half an hour later E! took over the world and it was all about a has been pop star pedophile with a pulled muscle.

I went to to see what else was going on in our world.

- Dead school children in the Philippines
- Fatel fire kills 11 family members
- Man try’s to identify images in tsunami photos
- Pakistan blames rogue scientist for nuke sales
- Hong Kong Leader resigns

And this is the top story. If it takes more then actual changes to international leadership, Iran’s nuke capabilities or trying to bring some solace to survivors to be news I’m surprised that Behind the scenes footage of the SI swim suit issue didn’t make the cut – they seem to be all about our more prurient interests, you would think they would have wanted to alert us to those girls tits with the same fever they needed to share Jackson’s dick.

And why is it HSNs fault? It’s their fault we have 24 hour news stations in the first place. They proved that there is an audience for 24 hour coverage of crap. HSN proved that The People will watch 24 hour coverage of the differences in the facial expressions of baby dolls, and if The People will watch 24 hours of slavish devotion to that "Look! this one here is smiling! and that one looks sad!" they will certainly sit still for 24 hours of Where in San Bernardino County is Michael Jackson?.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Bush Not Planning to Tap U.S. Oil Reserves

Bush could do something about the price of oil but won't
Wake up and smell the kitty

Kitty could tell I was stressing about him. All his doctor going has made him more open and sharing then he was before; apparently all he needed was to have a thermometer shoved up his butt over and over again to really unleash his inner sweetie.

Kitty woke me up at 2:15 in the morning to let me know that the shoe boxes I had stacked near the attic door were still here! He wanted me to know that he checked them out himself and he could tell me with no uncertainty that they were really fun and tasted terrific! He is all about the thoughtful! He knew that I have laid awake at work and pondered those boxes, wondered how they were doing, asked myself if stacking them by the door instead of walking the extra two feet to put them in the box box was good enough or if they preferred to be out in Camp Knotty Pine with the rest of us.

It turns out they want to be at Camp Knotty Pine! They don’t want to be locked up in the dark with the other boxes; they want to spend their time in the dark with out other boxes. They want to spend time with me!

Kitty also woke me up to make sure that my face was warm enough and to see for himself that I was breathing. He did this by parking himself on my chest and waiting for me to start choking on his fur He wanted to make sure that I didn’t have a cold nose, and just to make sure he thoughtfully snaked his entire tail up my nose! I mean, he’s a cat and he’s a rotorooter! Isn’t that they sweetest thing ever? Isn’t he the best?

Dogger is still very bored with out her toy. I finally figured out why she was being such a pill all of a sudden in the evenings. She ate her toy. She has other toys, older toys, but they aren’t interesting to her anymore. She wants fresh toy and she wants it yesterday! She has started to take offence with me when I turn my back on her. It’s like living with The Don – all of a sudden if I’m she does not have my complete attention she starts to bark at me. I read somewhere that you aren’t supposed to hush a dog by yelling at it – how am I supposed to make her shut up then? Whispering at her doesn’t seem to have any effect, possibly because while she is screaming at me she can’t here me make my little whispered protestations

Me – SHhhhhhhh! Dogger. Shhhhhhh.
Me – Shhhhhhh. Mama’s show is almost on. Shhhhhh
Me – Dogger, honey, no shouting inside, Shhhhhhhh
Me –Shhhhhhh! Use your inside voice! Shhhhhhhhh!
Me – Shhhhhh-

I usually end up bribing her with a cookie and putting her back into her crate until my head stops throbbing. Tonight we may make a run to the grocery to pick up a new toy and a new bottle of aspirin.

Wednesday, March 9, 2005


The United States has demanded that the IRA disband

Absolutely not kidding. Expected IRA responce..5,4,3,2,... KABLAM

In Like A Lion

I’m sitting here listening to my building complain about the wind. The giant chiller outside my window has an access door that whatever last service guy who was out here – didn’t latch it closed, now it’s broken. Batten down the hatches isn’t just a cliché. I watched the local news at Burger Yucky over lunch and somewhere out in the county 23,500 chickens lost their lives because the roof of their coop collapsed under the rain. The guy on the news carried on like he was going to show us graphic footage of the disfigured, bloodied up toddler pieces but all he really showed was a carpet of white stuff that could have been tea towels. They died young but they died pretty.

News Guy – You should prepare yourself!
Me – I’m eating lunch! ( Ew. I’m eating chicken!)
News Guy – Put the chillrins away!
Me – let me finish my sandwich!
News Guy – I’m not sure we should televise this.
Me - I’m prepared!
News Guy – This is SO GRAPHIC!
Me – Bring It, news boy.
News Guy – The FCC is going to fine us!
Me – Okay, I’m through eating.
News Guy – Here we go!
Me – I don’t have to look.
News Guy – OMG the Chickannity!
Me – Are those towels?
News Guy – This is destruction beyond all understanding!
Me – Are you watching old tsunami coverage off camera or something? Or are you still going on about the dead chickens?
News guy – (holding back tears) It's. Just. Too. Much…
Me – Ah, go twist your hanky grandma!

Before I left for lunch I put my rain boots on and tucked my pants in and swathed myself in my rain coat and went out all steeled for the rain and wind and, and - Nothing. It was sunny and the sky was blue. I squished into Burger Yucky feeling like I was ten minutes behind fashion and waiting for Mr. Blackwell to swoop in and chastise me for being such a Fashion Don’t. Fortunately for me the wind was still blowing hard and by the time lunch was over I was back to being all fashion forward again. Go Me.

It‘s cold now. Monday it was 70 degrees and beautiful. I loved it. I was able to walk Dogger and still have full range of motion. My coat is great but I have about as much freedom of motion in it as the Michelin man and it makes me look fat. When its warm I can get away with just layers that also make me look fat bit less like a walking tire advert and more like a, well, street person . Also, Dogger is really ripped and next to her an Olsen would look chubby. Today its going to be back to the big winter coat though, this sucks.

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

The More You Know

How to win arguments on the internet.

from Something Awful
"OPEC is going to look out for OPEC. The question is whether this administration is going to stand up for the American consumer," Wyden said in a Senate floor speech. "I don't think it's right to let OPEC run roughshod over the American consumer."

Full story here

On hearing this, Shrub thought “Hell Yeah! Crude is up to what? Hot Damn! whats good for the oil bidness is good for Muricah!" he then remembered that we aren't OPEC and he decided to invade Syria before the vacation season starts.

Too Much Time On My Hands

If I had a real project to complete over the week end I might not have been keeping such a close eye on The Kitty.

I think he’s sleeping too much. I mean, I know that in theory cats sleep like 23.5 hours a day. I know that. But, when you start to notice how much of the day your cat is sleeping is makes you worry – or, okay, you might not worry, you are much better adjusted than I am, everyone is better adjusted than I am, and if it was your cat, you would say “Hmm. The cat is still on the bed. The cat was on the bed two hours ago. That cat is smart”. See, in my world I see The Kitty as being too sombulant and difficult to arouse and non-responsive and these are not good things. I need to see The Kitty moving around a little bit, he can still sleep 23.5 hours a day but I need him to get up and change positions or move to the other side of the bed every once in a while. I need him to be able to tell me where he is, what the date is and who the president is and I need him to do this every two or three hours. He’s been such a couch potato that he let me sleep until almost eleven Saturday morning! I didn’t want to get up because there was this warm kitty lump somewhere on my body that was keeping me in bed. Every time I turned over there he was, purring, acting as a lumbar pillow, nuzzling, applying warmth to sore muscles, grooming my face, much like dermabrasion. I started to think “Cat Spa!”

Then I woke up and remembered I was supposed to be anxious. Normally, when he wants me to wake up and feed him he’s a lot more proactive about it. He tips the knife rack over, he shreds my utility bill or he tries to pull framed art off the walls. He is not a discreet or helpful animal. This “Cat Spa” thing is not normal.

I felt so bad Sunday I let him outside. I had this vision of him laying pale and thin at some feline hospice and the Make A Wish ™ folks hovering at his bedside as he whispers that his Wish would be To Go Outside! he hasn’t been allowed outside in so long that the only thing he wants is to lay in the sun in the back yard one last time… while I stand in the corner twirling my Lee Press On ™ Mustache of Evol rubbing my hands together and cackling about how I kept his ass in side even though back in the day he appeared all healthy and chubby and now he’s all dieing and skinny and I showed him what for and ya know HA.

And he wasn’t eating…

As Much…

And his box wasn’t as, um, boxy

And then the vet called and wanted to know how he was and if I wanted to bring him back in for another visit and I’m thinking “I can’t afford to bring him in again! We were just there!”, so I said “I think I want to finish out the current course of dewormers before I bring him in again and did I all ready schedule a revisit for 2 weeks hence?” and they said that was right and they asked if there had been any change and I said “no”.

I needed to chill out. I decided to blame his behavior on the cycle of the moon like I do when he howls all night and runs around like his fur is on fire – “Damn it! It must be a full moon”. But he’s sleeping all night! He’s moved where he sleeps so he’s curled up against my ankle instead of on my clean clothes! What if he’s so lovey because he knows he’s going to dieeeeeeee!

I am why my vet has such nice jewelry.

Monday, March 7, 2005

Bush nominated this guy to be our representive at the U.N. I’m sure the rest of the United Nations will be thrilled to have him, I know how much I would love to work with someone who said I should be blown up. So, how much political capital does Shrub have left now? Is anyone keeping a tab? Is this another bait and switch stunt like with Whatshisface for Homeland Security? naming some one so awful and wrong for the position on purpose just to put another only slighty less odious but equally under qualified nominee? Maybe, on the bright side, Bolton pissed Shrub off, he’s been quoted on his deep unlove for the U.N, maybe it’s Shrubs way of forcing him to comply?

Let us Pray…

Info from Think Progress.Com and Atrios
Darn it! Darn It! Darn It!

In honor of The Big M getting sprung and the whims of the fashion fascists that preclude gloves from being sold in March - I darned my gloves.

Dogger has put holes in the fingers of every pair of gloves I own, one year for Christmas I got six pairs of dark blue knit gloves and five of those are still living, you name the occasion, I have the glove for it - at least I did until Dogger decided that the yarn from those gloves would be an excellent before dinner snack and took to nipping little bits of them on our walks. The first time, this was more or less fine, I have all those gloves on stand by and I wasn’t dumb enough to wear my really nice gloves anyway. So. Dogger put little holes in four pairs of gloves. I went to the flea market and bought another pair of blue knit gloves - she put a hole in those too.

This pissed me off. I was driving to work every morning with a bit of a finger turning blue. If I scrunched the gloves up and tried to stretch the un torn bits over the torn bits it just got worse so now the gloves were stretched out and had a hole in the finger. I looked like the Little Match File Manager.

I started to think “What Would Martha Do?”. Martha would kill the dog who put holes in her dog walking gloves for one then she would grind the dog into fertilizer, take its blood for use as a natural dye, use its tail to keep drafts out from under the doors, transform its legs into pencil boxes, use its ears for kicky change purses and finally, use its pelt to make a charming teddy bear for the neighbor children, so The Martha Way was not an option. What else would Martha do to fix her gloves?

Martha would terrorize the help who would raise the sheep, micro manage the shearing the sheep, bully the people who would spin the wool into yarn, drive insane the horticulturist as they cultivated, raised and harvested the imported antique wild flowers used to dye the yarn and finally, frighten the plants into dropping the thorns that she would demand the seamstress to use as needles to repair the damage. And it would be a Good Thing. I don’t have any help to terrorize and I don’t think the wetlands are good for flower raising and I doubt my yard is zoned for sheep farming. I had to do the Next Best Thing.

I went to Wal-Mart and bought the cheapest blue yarn I could find. Yarn, oddly, is not just like thread. It does not go merrily into the eye of the needle. If you have lived a good life and have managed to resist temptation in the form of free chocolate sundaes and saved many toddlers from peril and countless kittens from meat grinders, then and only then, will you finally be able to get the whole piece of yarn through the eye of the needle - it will not end up making neat, even little stitches... It makes lumps. Untidy, un attractive, lumpy lumps of yarn.

I did the first glove. I was so excited to be starting I forgot to turn the glove inside out to do the stitching. This was dumb, on that pair of gloves, one finger is, um, misshapen. My fingers may be um, misshapen, but they are warm. It was a Good Thing.

Sunday, March 6, 2005


Saturday, March 5, 2005


Friday, March 4, 2005

Geekery on parade

I just want everyone to take a moment to notice that todays date is 3/4/5.
Out Of The Loop

Nobody tells me anything. I’m stuck down in my “hole” as it is graciously called, and nobody tells me anything.Not that long ago, I went to the break room to get a coke and ran into a TV. Someone had put a TV in the break room! We didn’t have a TV in the break room; we barely had a break room in the break room. We don’t even have a sink and now we have a TV with a remote! it’s outrageous. I wouldn’t be surprised if before too long we had chairs in there. We are moving up. But, of course, nobody told me.

I get all kinds of notices about things I don’t care about. TPTB feel the need to share all kinds of minutia with us but they can’t tell us about new TV falling from the sky and landing in our break room – no hard hat warning no nothing. I should have started to spend more time down there because I would have noticed New Thing Number 2

A New Candy Machine!

They gave us a new candy machine that takes dollar bills! Oh My Gawd! They gave us a new machine that takes dollars! This is a huge thing around here. The candy machine only took coins and the coke machine won’t give you change for a dollar even if you hit change return before you make your drink selection, because it doesn’t want us to be happy, it also wants us to all kinds of things that are not coke and that alone makes me very unhappy. We have a Pepsi machine too, but I don’t use it and I don’t know if it gives change better than the coke machine. Its Pepsi so I am going with my long held believe that it sucks, so of course it doesn’t give change, it probably eats your money and doesn’t give you your drink.

But. Back to the brand new magic candy machine. It even has more candy! It has gum! It has more kinds of chips! Its nirvana in a plastic case. I was really excited about the new machine and the wondrous promise it held, until I looked at the find print. The candy is more expensive, the chips in the old machine were .50, now the chips are .55! The candy in the machine went from .55 to .60! Oh the Humanity! So now if you just want a mid afternoon snack you have to have at least $1.25! For a can of coke and a candy bar! Granted, this is cheap in the world of concessions, if you went to the movies and wanted coke and candy it would cost you approximately $12.78 plus tax – but, still. I remember when candy cost .25! Gawd, I’m old. I don’t remember what it cost out of the machine back in the day because my Mommy was mean and we didn’t know about candy machines or putting money in them and coke machines were totally outside our ken, I did know about the lollypop trees at the bank, so I did have the idea that candy grew on trees but I don’t remember what our parents told us about those large boxes of candy we must have seen around - but they must have told us they caused cancer or ate people. Because I can’t see me passing up a candy machine for any reason unless I thought the machine was going to kill me.

Today, I mock the child eating candy machines, I rock the machines when they try to keep candy – yeah, that’s right, those stickers up at the top of the machines saying “Don’t Rock The Machine”, those are for me . “Rock Around The Clock” is my theme song, I’m all over those bad boys, they want to keep my candy and eat my change? It’s on! One of us is going to stand tall and one of us is going to throw up and one of us is going to win, and it’s going to be me. Until the machine tips over and kills me and then, my parents will be right, Candy Machines kill people.

Thursday, March 3, 2005



Another Day, another trip to the vet

Kitty and I have a few good days. Kitty’s poor sad over used flinch muscles got a needed rest and I didn’t have to clean kitty drool out of my bangs. A good time has been had by all – for example, I can bend down to pick him up and he doesn’t freeze and then launch himself under the nearest barrier like he was fleeing from some sort of evil, nasty, mean tormentor instead of his loving mama whom he also now sees as an evil, nasty, mean tormentor. We had quality time that did not include me forcing things into his mouth and then holding his jaws shut to make sure the things stayed in his mouth even though he didn’t want them there, and he hasn’t had to make like a kitty shaped sprinkler as he tries to escape from me and discharge whatever fluid I’ve tried to shoot down his throat.

Kitty is still trotting, the meds don’t seem to have any effect on his um, “output” and I notice only a little, tiny difference while he’s on meds, but as soon as he finishes the course, he’s right back where he started – he’s in the john all day but he can’t lose weight, poor guy, he can’t win.

So, I took him back to the vet. This was our third or fourth trip back and our third or forth different vet. Kitty has spent more time with foreign objects up his butt then Jeff Guckart. They keep redoing the same test because they “forget” to put it in the chart, so I say every single visit “But, you did that last time, why are you doing it again a week later?” answer being they “need it for the records”. There is nothing there for them to find. He does not have worms any variety of worms; -he’s been dewormed so often his lower GI could be used as a Clean Room. He also does not have feline leukemia, feline AIDS, any known virusi, infections or any other blood born pathogen and now he’s getting bald legititis in addition to the continued trots and recurrent upchucking. Things are not improving.

The vet thinks I changed him to lamb and rice food because I’m looking out after his fragile little GI system, I changed his food to lamb and rice because the food is a lighter color and when he throws it up all over my dinning room carpet, it at least matches the color of the carpet, which is both good and bad. Good because its less stainy, Bad because it's not as noticable and I might step in it.

He seems happy. He isn’t sleeping any more then normal, he isn’t isolating himself any more then normal, he isn’t licking himself any more then normal, he isn’t being any more bitchy then normal but something is not normal or we wouldn’t be trekking to the vet four times in five weeks.

This time the doc said it might be a foreign body lodged somewhere, this was new. I don’t know what foreign body it could be as he doesn’t eat strange things other then paper and I’m pretty sure that paper doesn’t stand up well to an average digestive system. To find out what may or most likely, may not be lodged somewhere involves very expensive steps that I’m not going to be able to take, even if the vet does talk like I just handed them my credit card and told them to “go nuts”. I think I could run the Kitty through the X-Ray at the airport and get the same results they would from their X-Ray machine I’ll have to pay money for.

As it is now, he’s not in pain, he’s not not able to eat or relive himself, he seems like a happy all be it Imodium™-ally challenged kitty. The vet mentioned his belly looked a little balding too, but I told her it always looks like that since he drags it up and down the stairs and that rubs off the fur. She laughed she also gave me more meds. Kitty Quality time here I come!

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

Feeling a draft?

Are you scared yet? ya should be...

from Adventus
Bunny Time


It's time for our Annual Bunny Drive. We're on year number TWELVE! Last
year we collected 1137 bunnies, chicks, lambs and other furry friends.

They were distributed to area hospital's pediatric and geriatric wards
residential centers and nursing homes during the Easter holiday.
Please Note: Per Hospital Policy all bunnies must be new and the tags
and labels should be left on the bunnies.

Time to fondle every bunny at every store I go into, time to spend many hours staring at their empty bunny eyes trying to see inside their fluffy bunny soul and asking “Are you the one?” “are you the rabbit?” “are you the one true bunny?” There are so many rabbits and so few that fill all my conditions.

The Perfect Bunny must

- Be with out wire, no concealed weapons
- With out ribbon, choking hazards
- With out gender
- Be in a sitting position or have the ability to sit
- Be a found in nature rabbit color
- Be large enough
- Not be too large
- Not be a marketing tool
- Not cost more then $7

These cut out a lot of choices. The ears have to be both child friendly and resistant to dementia patients. I don’t want to read that somebody somewhere in some state facility choked on a bunny borne widget. These have to be tough stuffed animals. I also check the seams to see if they could be torn apart and the insides eaten, I worry that the fir might be toxic if sucked on. I worry about everything. I do all this because its fun.

There are so many variables to the bunny hunt. You have to ask what message the bunny is sending, are there anything subliminal going on with this stuffed animal? If the bunny is wearing a flag am I spreading the Bush Admin message that war is good? Is it right to be offended by a praying rabbit? The rabbit is not a Christian symbol anyway, it’s a pagan symbol and with that, should the bunny be praying to a tree? Can I buy a stuffed tree? Should I only buy a free trade bunny? What if the bunny is wearing camo? Should I swallow my point of view and go with it because everyone else thinks it’s cute? Is a patriotic themed bunny in keeping with the season or is it not really patriotic at all and just another way to market the war to children? Is it even okay to be shopping for bunnies during lent?

I have issues. I over think. I spend a good hour circling the bunny display at the store and touch just about all of them and then don’t buy any of them or if I do find a bunny I like I might end up putting it back because after waiting in line to buy it because I start to worry about the stuffing and the weight and what would happen if one of the eyes came unglued and someone ate it? I start to revaluate the bunny, I begin to have doubts about it, and I start to wonder about what The One True Bunnies agenda is and if it’s just pretending to be the One True Bunny? What if this thing is stuffed full of asbestos? I have to put what I thought was The One True Bunny back and start again. Once the staff has watched you spend an hour picking out five or six different stuffed rabbits and then putting them all back and starting over…they call the manager and start to follow you around the bunny display with a cell phone and an article copied from Readers Digest about “How To Spot A Terrorist”, by the time you and the manager realize that you fill 3 of the top five “ways”, you’re bound to just grab any bunny just to get out of the store and that is not fun.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

Virus Notice

"There's a new virus in town and la, la, la" whatever. Go here and learn about the new Bagle variant.
Post Oscar™ wrap up

Short Answer: I didn’t like the show.

Long Answer:

I was all set to laugh my ass off at whatever Chris Rock was going to say. He brings the funny and I like his act, his whole Damn The Man theme works with me. Rock hates everybody and I hate everybody, we have a lot in common; and then he hosted The Oscars™ and I learned we have so much not in common, for example, I am not a sexist and Rock is. Hardcore. He kept his foot so far down his throat during the show I’m pretty sure he now has athletes foot of the ass.

He was hosting The Oscars™. Not the Peoples Choice or the Teen Choice or the Kids Choice or the bloody Golden Globes or any of the other prefab awards that seem to think they have gravitas because they hand out trophies to movie stars and those movie stars show up. Sometimes. Those half assed pretenders were made for to sell air time to the acne cream, surf board wax and baby bottle industries. He was hosting The Oscars™! Could he have pretended to at least like the movies? Acted like he was in the least bit interested in films and film making? He couldn’t fake being a fan?

The Oscars™ do not need to be “brought down a peg”, they don’t need to “keep it real”, they don’t need to have some one make fun of them, they didn’t need some outsider to come in a point out that they are just another uncool awards show. Thanks Chris Rock. Thanks for going in and wiping your boots on your host’s rug and kicking its dog on the way out. Super Job.

While he was at the movie theatre pointing out that the average person doesn’t even bother to go see the nominated films – you know, the whole reason everyone was there in the first place, why not point out that the movies the average film goer does go see are borderline minstrel shows? Why not ask average movie viewer why they insist on watching Barber Shop IV or CGI Space Monster v. CGI Beastie? Instead of making the people who make the nominated movies feel like ninnies for gawd forbid, making Good Movies. Why not ask the average movie go-er why they think the best they can do is “B” movies for entertainment? Even Oscar™ nominees get to the dollar shows. The whole pretaped spiel made everyone involved look dumb.

I wasn’t really surprised to learn the winners; I think most of them were pretty much forgone conclusions by Sunday night. We all knew Hillary Swank and Jamie Foxx were going to win. Foxx was going to win whether or not the performance was more really good mimicry then really good acting – somewhere Rich Little is really, really pissed off . Foxx just seemed so gosh darn deserving of it. Whatever, Don Cheadle was robbed.

It does make me sad that The Oscars™ has morphed into a popularity contest over the years instead of a way for peers to honor peers for outstanding achievement. Who am I kidding? The Oscars™ have always been a popularity contest there was no morphing involved, they don’t honor excellence in performance, they honor excellence in marketing – always have, always will.

“The Winner of Best Smoozing is…”

I still really, really, really lurve The Oscars™ and the movies and the performances they pretend to be honoring.